Losing

As that last breath escaped your lips,
it's ashen smoke forming in swirling rings.
I bowed my head,
and waited with bated breath.
I listened for the simple sound of relief,
but the voice that I seeked did not come.
A cloud of hate burst forth from your lips,
and took me by suprise.
My aching visions burned farther in my head,
your smile, your eyes.

In the scorching mid winter,
I realized every bit of my hatred.
Out of listening to the cracked radio I thought the world I knew was fair,
and not the terrible death I felt then.

Again you persuaded me to let go,
and join you in the murderous crusade.
I refused,
and my cruel hatred blossomed.

It grew within me,
and pulsed like a heart beat.
I was scared at first,
but then I embrased it.
I let it grow,
and buried my longing.
But it was still there,
and it came upon me silently.
The tricky little emotion,
came back again.

Why am I on the losing side,
but with out any sypathy?
Certainly I should opress it,
and forget he existed.
But I won't,
I refuse to let go.
Because if I will, and if I might,
there's no dought I'll get some sleep tonight.

Hello there Truth here for a review!

thestorygirl wrote:As that last breath escaped your lips,
its ashen smoke forming in swirling rings, comma Comma here, and not period because there has to be something happening 'as' the last breath is taken.
I bowed my head,
and waited with bated breath.
I listened for the simple sound of relief,
but the voice that I seeked did not come.
A cloud of hate bursted forth from your lips,
and took me by suprise.
My aching visions burned farther in my head,
your smile, your eyes.

In the scorching midwinter,
I realized every bit of my hatred. This line here leaves me hanging.. like I'm waiting for something to follow (I realized every bit of my hatred.. what?) I think you meant it more as the character taking conscience of the hatred in him/her? Try rephrasing this a bit, i.e. 'I took conscience of every bit of my hatred
Out of listening to the cracked radio I thought the world I knew was fair,
and not the terrible death I felt then.

Again you persuaded me to let go,
and join you in the murderous crusade.
I refused,
and my cruel hatred blossomed.

It grew within me,
and pulsed like a heart beat.
I was scared at first,
but then I embraced it.
I let it grow,
and buried my longing.
But it was still there,
and it came upon me silently.
The tricky little emotion,
came back again.

Why was I on the losing side, Keep in the past tense
but without any sypathy?
Certainly, comma I should opress it,
and forget he even existed.
But I won't, Are you switching from past to present? If so, I'd suggest you split it here into a new stanza, or simply change the rest into past tense to it follows the rest of the poem.
I refuse to let go.
Because if I will, and if I might,
there's no doubt I'll get some sleep tonight. I'm pretty sure you meant doubt here

That is all for suggestions and corrections
This poem was really nice. I loved it!
Keep on writing!

-Truth-

Hi there

So, first of all, there were quite a few spelling errors/grammar mistakes. I'll catch those in bold in all the quoted pieces, but I would suggest using spellcheck or something in the future. They may seem very small, but they can be quite distracting, especially for a Grammar Nazi like me.

Second of all: this was nice. I really like your word choice, and you have some nice ideas. I think that you could probably work on the rhythm in some spots, and maybe toy with your lines breaks, but this was nice.

Third thing: There really isn't that much emotion in this. You have some good imagery in this, but we really don't know what's completely going on, and so we're left to read the words without being able to engage. Try to incorporate a little bit more person stuff, and try to make this feel really HUMAN. Rather than using nice words, make it strong.

As that last breath escaped your lips,
it's ashen smoke forming in swirling rings.

This make it sounds like they're dying, where the rest of the piece feels completely different. I would clarify whatever it is your trying to get a cross, because it's a little confusing. Also, I'm confused as to whether he's smoking or if you're just trying to make the imagery of his breath stronger; can you actually see it or not?
Also, try to be concise. There are a couple of instances where you phrase stuff in a manner that takes much longer to say. In this case, it's the second line.

I bowed my head,
and waited with bated breath. I think that you could add these lines together-- take out the period, because you haven't finished the idea, and it kind of feels odd.
I listened for the simple sound of relief,
but the voice that I sought did not come.
A cloud of hate burst forth from your lips,
and took me by suprise. To fit the tone you've created with your elevated language, I think that you could rephrase this to make it more consistent.
My aching visions burned farther in my head,
your smile, your eyes.

Nice imagery, as I said before, but you might try to make it more connected and explain what's actually going on. There's that confusion I mentioned earlier.
The last line feels a bit weird; I think rather than creating that possessive in "My aching visions" you could just take off "My" and maybe replace the comma with a colon.

In the scorching mid winter, hyphen after "mid"
I realized every bit of my hatred.
Out of listening to the cracked radio I thought the world I knew was fair,
and not the terrible death I felt then.

This, again, feels very different. You need to have a stronger foundation of the going-ons of this piece and have a stronger emotion base to change it so dramatically. Again, you reference "death", and while I'm pretty sure that it's figurative here, the reference to it earlier coupled with one here makes it feel a bit overused.

Again you persuaded me to let go,
and join you in the murderous crusade. Odd phrasing. You make it sound like you're going to separate from one another in the first line, and then join up together in the second. Also, this is really ambiguous.
I refused,
and my cruel hatred blossomed.

The last line shows another example of phrasing that could be altered just the slightest to be a little bit more concise and make the phrase itself stronger. Maybe you could change it to something like, "cruel hatred blossoming". Then, after that, I have to wonder, what is it blossoming into? This is a weird little piece of imagery because we can't fully visualize it. What does hatred look like?

It grew within me,
and pulsed like a heart beat.
I was scared at first,
but then I embraced? it.
I let it grow,
and buried my longing.
But it was still there,
and it came upon me silently.
The tricky little emotion,
came back again.

Aesthetically, this stanza looks a little odd. Compared to the lines of the rest of the piece, they're very uniform and jumpy. The rhythm of this stanza feels a bit weird, a bit too choppy, and the phrasing in each line is a bit too similar to offer much variety. It feels almost monotonous.

Why am I on the losing side,
but without any sympathy?
Certainly I should oppressit,
and forget he existed.
But I won't,
I refuse to let go.
Because if I will, and if I might,
there's no doubt I'll get some sleep tonight.

The ending feels very forced to me, especially the last two lines. The tone feels different from the rest of the piece, and I'm not sure that it's completely relevant to the rest of the piece.

So, despite my kind of harsh review, I thought you did a good job. You have a nice vocabulary throughout the entire piece. So, nice job. Let me know if you need anything else.

-Coral-

As people have taken care of the technical issues related to this poem, I'll go and say I find it interesting. It makes me think of the beating of a drum--tap, tap, tap. You might want to add a BANG in there somewhere, therefore. Shake things up. Make people wince, make them mad, make them cry, make them do something. Readers are your puppets, especially readers of poetry. Embrace it. They're like the viewers of modern art, they expect something. A line on a piece of paper in a museum makes them MAD. That was intentional in its own way, see?

...Yeah, I am a bit mad. But I believe that may be the best advice I can give for a poet. Oh, and if I seem stalker-y for finding an older post, I was/am looking you up for the Poetry Pairs Contest. Yes.

So, yeah. Just try and find the person you are speaking of's voice. If they're emotional, spit the words onto the page. Get them to show it. If they're cold, this works fine. But I see them as heated, tempered by a rage that could lead them to throwing a glass, shattering objects, ripping things apart. (Which is weird.) I don't know. I just think you should add something more. It would suit it better. (Here I am, speaking of character emotion when I'm not the author. Bah.)

Anyway, I did like it. Like I said, it had good rhythm. It just didn't hold my brain, or make me think in a new way. I enjoy having my "vision" bent into new forms it's not used to. *nods*

Well, I think that's about all. Off to the next poem!