Truth here for a review!jackle wrote:The great big dog lowered into a play bow, comma then scampered out of the way, comma as Phillip kicked out at him.
“Go back inside,” he muttered, sweeping his black fringe out of his eyes.
Rocky, his overweight German shepherd-Rottweiler cross, dashed off down the dimly lit street after a cluster of scavenging crows. Phil swore under his breath, then saw Ollie emerging from his house, comma next door.
“’Sup,” Phil called, comma as Ollie coasted his BMX over. His cropped brown hair looked sticky with hair gel in the moonlight. He didn’t have enough of it to spike up, Phil thought. Hm what? I don't understand that last sentence...
“Hi. Where are the others?”
Phil shrugged, his hazel eyes filling with scorn., comma “Pussied out, I guess.”
“Do you really wanna do this?”
“Don’t you?” Looking up, Phil adjusted his new era cap.
Ollie shook his head, comma “Not really. We have school tomorrow... and breaking in... it’s risky-”
Muffled yelling tickled their ears. Both of them glanced across at the old Queenslander, comma standing forlornly next to Phillip’s.
“Kasia and her step-dad fighting again,” Ollie sighed.
“I feel sorry for him,” Phil grinned, comma “Kasia can be a handful.”
“Is that why you’re in love with her?”
“Wha-” Phil jolted, comma but didn’t get a chance to reply. Footsteps were clomping down the path around the side of Kasia’s house.
The metal gate screeched open forcefully and a teenage girl came storming out, a scowl darkening her pale face. Kasia scuffed down her dirt driveway, short brown hair swinging behind her. Short.. how short? If it's swinging, then it can't be all that short, right? Maybe adding something like 'chin length' or something like would work better.
“Hey, Kasia,” Ollie called out to her, comma “Where you heading?”
“Dude, what are you doing?” Phil hissed.
Ollie nudged Phil with his scrawny elbow, eyes still fixed on Kasia’s back as she sauntered away, comma “Wanna hang with us?”
“Yeah,” Phil put on a grin, comma “Ollie wants to get busy.” He thrust his pelvis at her and he and Ollie laughed and slapped hands.
Get a life, Phil, Kasia didn’t say it, didn’t stop to talk. Uh what? Nothing could stop her until she was far, far away from home. On the way down the path through the bush by her house, comma Kasia broke into a sprint. Running was her only escape. The cool night air wiped her mind blank until there was nothing but her legs pounding into the ground. It felt great, but the sense that it wasn’t permanent dampened her spirit. Ah, I see, we're following her now.
She was sick of her family, comma sick of her whole life. She wanted to keep running forever. Run away from home. The idea teased her, deep down she knew she couldn’t, comma but why not? Why the hell not? Kasia titled her head forward and ran harder, further into the bush, into the darkness. Nothing can stop me now.
The bush was her favorite place to be. The tall gum trees, so well adapted to the current drought, passed in blurs of grey-brown and dull green in the starlight. Wow, she's running pretty fast There weren’t any low scrubs to obstruct her way, just a few fallen branches which she easily jumped. Nothing can stop me now. Kasia wasn’t wearing shoes, comma but she did this so often that the soles of her feet were thick. She barely felt the sticks trying to pierce her skin. Nothing can stop me now. Her phone vibrated in the pocket of her cargo shorts but she ignored it. Nothing can stop me now.
Kasia was sprinting across a foot path, comma when she had the uncanny feeling that she was being watched. She kept running, but something still felt out of place. The hairs on the back of her neck prickled uncomfortably. The noisy cicada’s rose in an ongoing chorus. Slowing to a walk, Kasia squinted through the darkness. Then she saw her.
She stood on an enormous fallen log, with a width wider than any man could stretch her arms across. It acted as a bridge across a deep rocky waterway, dried up of all its water. She looked like a guy from the distance, with the short black hair, but she was stark naked - a big give away that she was female. She was staring straight at Kasia, whose pulse was suddenly jumping in her throat.
Kasia gulped, comma “Are you OK?”
As she closed the gap between them, comma she could see the girl was about her own age, and very pretty, with olive skin that Kasia would’ve killed for and grey eyes framed with dark, thick lashes.
“It’s gonna happen,” she said, and her voice was emotionless, comma like her face. Her steady grey eyes burned into Kasia’s.
Again Kasia gulped, fighting to keep her voice steady, comma “What is?”
She cackled a laugh, but stopped abruptly, comma “You’re gonna be like me.”
Then she jumped.
“Don’t!” Kasia yelled. Her arms instinctively reached out to her as she took a step forward, but turning her face away and closing her eyes so she wouldn’t see how the girl’s shins would splinter and her ankles snap when she hit the ground. Except Kasia didn’t hear a crunch or a cry of pain. She didn’t hear anything but the bugs chirping away – maybe she heard some leaves rustle, or maybe she imagined it.
Arms lowering, Kasia peeked back at the log, letting her eyes trace down its craggy surface, down the rocks underneath, down, down, down to the place where the girl should have been lying dead – or at least dying. But the girl wasn’t there. It was a wolf instead. Moonlight glinted off its shiny black fur, comma and its grey eyes sparkled as it stood on the leaf strewn ground, calmly watching her.
In movies, comma this was the part when the helpless victim screamed her head off before getting eaten alive. Well, this wasn’t a movie. This was real life, comma and in real life, comma you didn’t have time to even think about filling your lungs to scream. In real life you couldn't hear anything but your own heartbeat, comma pounding in your ears. Don't forget to stay in past tense, always. Kasia’s feet grew hot as blood rushed there so she could run, but her legs were blocks of concrete and she just staggered backwards before hitting a thin, shaky tree which showered her with dry, crackly leaves.
The wolf barked once, but it sounded more like a laugh, before darting through the trees in the opposite direction.
Kasia bolted back home, barely hearing the guys calling to her, comma as she fumbled with the latch on the side gate. What had just happened? One minute a girl was jumping off a high log, the next minute a wolf landed where the girl should’ve, comma and ran away. Had the wolf jumped as the girl had and swallowed her whole? Impossible. But what was even more impossible, comma was that the girl would have turned into a wolf. Am I crazy? Do crazy people know they’re crazy? And what did she mean ‘you’re gonna be like me’?
Kasia’s phone vibrated in her pocket again and this time she checked the caller ID and answered.
“Zeda,” Kasia gasped. “You’re never gonna believe what just happened...”
Only some commas that could help with the flow a bit. Your writing is pretty clear, the only thing that got me confused a bit was that change there where you start following Kasia.. because I was under the impression that we were following the boys, since you started with them. I finally catched on but maybe make that a bit clearer? Since it's third omniscient, I'd suggest you add a small part at the beginning, maybe just a bit of the fight, then going back to the boys outside. It'd also help situate the reader as to what is the whole deal with him and the running thing. Rocky, his overweight German shepherd-Rottweiler cross, dashed off down the dimly lit street after a cluster of scavenging crows
Phil shrugged, his hazel eyes filling with scorn. “Pussied out, I guess.”
Kasia titled her head forward and ran harder, further into the bush, into the darkness.
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