Let me forget

Spoiler

This is just me trying to express my feelings about a crush...A really hard one. Something that couldn't even happen if He liked me, because he lives far away. If you know who this is about, please understand that I’m really trying to help my self and I don't want to hear about him "looking like a lesbian"

That first day, glancing across the chairs
I looked at you and you looked at me
I couldn't help but feel jealous of all the pairs
Ignoring the music, looking at you, blushing when you see

The pain I felt, knowing I was the only girl not your friend
Knowing you only looked at me because of my cough
I saw you everyday, no time for my heart to mend
When I was around you, my every move was off

The last day came fast, and I followed you everywhere
You didn't seem to mind
I got that hug goodbye, the memory getting me through every tear
You went so far away, leaving me behind

During every slow dance, I think of you
I still hurt, knowing my fantasies will never be real
I want to tell you, but scared for when you know it's true
After so much time, I still won't heal

I sit trembling, almost crying
I sit in my room thinking, the lights on dim
People say to get over it, easier said than done
Please God, let me have him, or forget him

First off, I'd just like to say I don't get why people would say anything about him "looking like a lesbian". I'm not really good at analyzing poetry, but I definitely understand the feeling you're trying to get to reader to feel. I know how you feel from a similar experience.
My only complaint:
You follow an abab cdcd efef rhyming pattern but in the last stanza you break the pattern with "crying" and "done".
Keep on rhyming!

-Cressy

P.S. You should put your commentary in a "spoiler" format thing

I had to reread your poem to even notice the rhyming pattern (with the exception of the first stanza). Your syllable count is... Odd. I think that's my problem with it. There's something about it that causes it to flow lamely. Other than that, I enjoyed reading. I understand where you're coming from for I'm in a long distance relationship right now, and it's very hard to maintain.

To improve your further poetry, edit this one and try replacing some lame words such as "pain" and "hurt". Any word with feeling that you have in this poem, there's a stronger, more powerful word that could draw your reader in to keep them wanting to read. What you have here is pretty bland.

Other than that.... I don't think I have much else to say. Again, I enjoyed reading. Good job!

xoxo,
Kiicoh.

I liked it and can understand where you're coming from. I'm also in a long distance relationship and now he's in jail, so it's even harder. One tip though, try using stronger words instead of pain. I don't know if anyone else said that because I didn't read the comments, but if someone did, I agree.

It's beautiful! I'm very proud of you for writing something like this. You conveyed you feeling clearly and I feel sad for you. I AM sorry though for trying to friend him...Anyways, good job. This is really beautiful.

hey.
i like this. not much, but there's something about it that attracted me.
maybe because it was simple, yet honest and detailed--a compromise, i think--and it was very common, but like i said, i loved the details. i can see the imagery, and believe me, i can feel for you. you're young, you're imaginative, you're a writer. there are many things that can inspire you. this poem is a good start. keep writing.
hope i've been of some help. PM me for anything.

-telle.

To be honest I really didn't think you liked him that much. But this is a beautiful poem and I really want to hug you right now.

Your power is in poetry my friend.

I loved reading this. I thoughtit is well written. Keep writing!

I know what it feels like to admire from a far...it makes life feel like it is walking away from you every time he does not look your way or when he does not even see you.

My favorite part of the poem was the line:

People say to get over it, easier said than done

The reason I think I liked this line so much is because it is so true! My friends tell me this sometimes, and it really hurts to hear them say it.

All in all I really liked this poem, it has a nice flow and rhythm. It was also easy to sympathize with you while reading it. I would not change one thing about it
-Kayde

Sakuragirl1 wrote:

That first day, glancing across the chairs
I looked at you and you looked at me
I couldn't help but feel jealous of all the pairs
Ignoring the music, looking at you, blushing when you see

The pain I felt, knowing I was the only girl not your friend
Knowing you only looked at me because of my cough
I saw you everyday, no time for my heart to mend
When I was around you, my every move was offLast line was very, very well written.

The last day came fast, and I followed you everywhere
You didn't seem to mind
I got that hug goodbye, the memory getting me through every tear
You went so far away, leaving me behind

During every slow dance, I think of you
I still hurt, knowing my fantasies will never be real
I want to tell you, but scared for when you know it's true
After so much time, I still won't heal

I sit trembling, almost crying
I sit in my room thinking, the lights on dim
People say to get over it, easier said than done
Please God, let me have him, or forget himBrilliant writing, I love the last lines, they end the poem so well.

BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL RHYMING! Did I mention that it was beautiful? And fantastic? And brilliant? I can relate to this poem so well and I'm sure than many, many other people can too. I honestly can't find anything wrong with this poem apart from the double space after 'sit' before 'trembling' and technically that's not a mistake anyway. It was tough having to pick my favourite parts because it was all so well written.

You need to write more poetry!

*likes*

~Crimson