Young Writers Society

I really need help with the grammar in my poetry. I am not sure how to punctuate it properly.

Looking up
eyes brimming with tears
Looking back
at all those years

Years with great joy
happiness abound
Years with great sorrow
that love turned around

She tries to reach up
she can't even move
She tries to call out
but her voice she did lose

Time drags her slowly
through places so dim
time used to race her
and always did win

She hears voices
they float in the air
She hears laughter
Oh why can't they care?

Care about the girl
in a field she is lying
Care about the girl
Do you know that she's dying?

Forgive her mistake
though she should of known
Forgive her for looking
at her phone

She didn't see
that there was a bend
She didn't she
where the road did end

Looking down
at the ring that shone
Looking at nothing
now she is gone

Oh my god. I LOVED reading this until the end! The end disappointed me. "Gone" and "Shone" are spelled similarly, but they don't rhyme!!


Other than that, GREAT job. This poem is simple, but powerful. It draws you in and keeps you reading.

JoyceSparrows wrote:I really need help with the grammar in my poetry. I am not sure how to punctuate it properly.

Looking up,
eyes brimming with tears.
Looking back
at all those years.

Years with great joy;
happiness abound.
Years with great sorrow
that love turned around.

She tries to reach up-
she can't even move.
She tries to call out,
but her voice she did lose.

Time drags her slowly
through places so dim.
Time used to race her
and always did win.

She hears voices;
they float in the air.
She hears laughter.
Oh why can't they care?

Care about the girl;
in a field she is lying.
Care about the girl...
Do you know that she's dying?

Forgive her mistake,
though she should of known.
Forgive her for looking
at her phone. This part sounds kind of lame. Why should she be forgiven for looking at her phone? You don't explain why looking at her phone requires consequence.

She didn't see
that there was a bend.
She didn't she
where the road did end.

Looking down
at the ring that shone.
Looking at nothing...
Now she is gone.

These are some of my punctuation suggestions. Punctuation is completely based upon the writer's fluencey. I prefer ";" over "," sometimes because it's a longer pause that's connecting two ideas, rather than just adding to the original idea, but ";" can usually be exchanged for "," if you prefer it.

All in all, Great job!!

xoxo,
Kiicoh.

Thanks a lot for helping me with the punctuation. I really appreciate it!

I have always pronounced shone like the name Shawn... obviously I have been saying it wrong my whole life. Oops!

I reread that stanza about the phone, and I do admit it sounds a little awkward. I was trying to say that the girl crashed her car because she was looking at her text messages while driving. They say texting while driving is as bad as driving drunk!

Thanks again for helping out.

Ah, yes! I was thinking she might have crashed when she was looking at her phone. That makes a lot of sense. But she didn't die right away, did she? It says something about her lying there and no one knows she's dying. It's really depressing, but I still like this poem. It's simple, but deep and thought-provoking.

to me it sounded good and you know most poerty doesnt have to ryme as long as it makes sense

I love this!! It's absolutely fabulous. I didn't like the stanza about her looking at the phone, as it did not seem to fit with the previous lines, but I got the meaning of it and thought it was cool. I just wish you had something more creative for that stanza. And the last one doesn't rhyme, which should be fixed. Overall, I really liked this, but I think you should work on the last two lines.

Looking up,
eyes brimming with tears;
Looking back
at all those years...

Years with great joy,
happiness abound;
Years with great sorrow
that love turned around...

She tries to reach up;
she can't even move.
She tries to call out
but her voice she did lose.

Time drags her slowly
through places so dim;
time used to race her
and always did win.

She hears voices,
they float in the air;
She hears laughter.
Oh why can't they care?

Care about the girl;
in a field she is lying.
Care about the girl...
Do you know that she's dying?

Forgive her mistake,
though she should have known.
Forgive her for looking
at her phone.

She didn't see
that there was a bend.
She didn't see
where the road did end.

Looking down
at the ring that shone...
Looking at nothing,
now she is gone.

I wasn't going to point out all these punctuation mistakes, but since you've asked in your post to comment on this topic...

I like the first stanza the most and the expression "eyes brimming with tears". I also like the apparent symmetry you've used... rather a contrast... Looking up in the first stanza, and ending with Looking down... I'm also confused with that part where you mentioned the phone.

And one more thing: I pronounce Shawn and gone the same way, the thing is "gone" is rather like "done" and like the "u" in run. It's not an "o" there, it's an "a".

You did a nice job!

Hi! You said you needed help with punctuation. Well when I write poetry, sometimes I like to not use punctuation because it helps with the flow. So remember that's always an option. Long Live Unpunctuated Poetry! : )