Sans Soleil (short)

I love this piece. It is vague, but in a good way--a way that keeps the reader involved, and that is important. My theory is simple: She is afraid of the dark, so, things you are afraid of tend to keep you awake. Thus, she stays awake all night, hoping to escape the dark, but when morning finally comes, she is so tired, she falls asleep.

You know, I've always been meaning to read your stuff. Of course I'd choose to do so when my time is limited...

Anyway, I like to write little "intros" for my characters too, although I never really intend to put them in the story, merely to shape them for myself. I thought this was extremely interesting! I disagree with it being too hollow or vague - that's what shapes the piece. I'm DYING to read more! I didn't know if the world itself had never seen daylight or if she had never seen it in her own little "world." I thought it was interesting how she hungered so much for the light and yet couldn't stay awake enough to enjoy it. This reminded me of an R. L. Stine book... oh, I can't remember the name now... Drats. Anyway, it was about werecats and the like. So perhaps she's a werecreature, and you haven't mentioned her transformation yet, or perhaps she has an occupation and only works the night hours... I don't know, and I'm sure I'll hypothesize about it until I read more! Very interesting. Good job on keeping the point just out of reach.

"“Oh yes,” Abby shook her head."

Don't you mean "Oh no," here?


"But then she woke, and the sky was dead pierced by stars and shadows crawled the streets."

Something of a run-in sentence here, and even though I know you and I have different opinions on comma usage I think it's pretty clear that there should be a comma between dead and pierced.


"With a last disturbed glance, the bike-boy took off down the thoroughfare, weaving in and out of the cars’ tangled headlights."

Bike-boy? Maybe it's a British thing, but I've certainly not heard of that word. Replace with "boy on the bike" or something, maybe? If I'm just being a block-headed American, keep it in.


"Abby jumped, flinching. Bicycle tires blurred past, spokes whirred - their faint shadow flickered spider webs lines over the street."

Oh, I simply love that description. Yay Imp.

Well, that's a few mistakes I found. I'm horrible at description and plot critiquing and I'm working on that, but I'm afraid I suck at it so badly so far I'd just worsen it. I love the story, by the way. Anyway, bye now.