The Magi {Ch.8} Part 2

Spoiler

I hurried!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Eight:
Part 2:

East Coast girl trying to catch the sun, came out west and we fell in love,
Went back home cause she missed the snow, her heart was cold.
~Allstar Weekend (meet me in the middle)



“Kevin, I don’t know what to say.” Ava was shaking, gripping his arms tightly.
He’s my best friend. I can’t love him. He’s my rock. Not my lover.
Her heart was pounding so hard, she wouldn’t be surprised if it leapt out of her chest, leaving her alone, dead.
Are you sure about that? A voice in her mind whispered, lisping like a snake.
Ava whipped around, trying to see who had spoken. A white form hovered over top of the bed in the corner, dressed in a long white gown, stained with…
“Is that blood?” Ava whispered, staring hard at the stain on the white dress.
“Ava! Don’t avoid the question,” Kevin said, his voice rising in anger? Hurt?
She wasn’t sure, but it made her turn around.
“Can’t you see it?” she yelled, still shaking like a leaf.
“See what?” his teeth were grinding against each other, always a danger sign.

Ava pointed to the bed, but the form was gone, its stained dress disappeared.
“Oh...” Ava felt faint, her head spinning.
“Ashes? What’s the matter?”
Ava opened her mouth to answer, but the dizziness was getting stronger, overwhelming her. She fainted, falling to the floor with a clatter, her earrings swinging.

****************************************************
“Ashes, Ashes…” Kevin whispered, waking Ava from her stupor.
He was two inches away, his lips close to hers. Ava looked up at him, his lips were parted slightly, his white teeth sparkling.
She wondered if he had kissed her in her un-conscious state, his lips caressing hers.
“Well, the princess wakes.” Greg said sarcastically, from the window, watching the chaos down below.
“Yes…” Kevin’s voice was still full of hurt. He stood up, walking to stand on the other side of the window, and laughed dryly.
‘Kevin—“ Ava began pleadingly, He whirled around, his face so hopefully…
What am I supposed to say? Ava thought, her brow furrowed. If I tell him I love and then something happens, it’ll never be the same again. And what if I do love him, and don’t tell him and he is so mad, he never speaks to me again? She felt like crying, and could feel the pain rising in her throat.
Why is he bringing this up now? When we both have so much on our mind?

Because Tatiana’s death scared him. A voice, very much like Titi’s, but not. Sang in her head, it made him think. And if he was to lose you, or you were to lose him suddenly and you never admitted your love, what would you do?

Ava looked over at Greg, silent tears rolling down his cheeks, unrecognizable underneath his grief.

So? Sang the voice. What is your choice Ava Dougnihew? Will you admit your love? Or will you keep it to yourself?
And then Ava knew whose voice it was is. Nina McSouthers. The older sister of Tatiana, who had been killed, before she admitted her love to the love of her life.

You’re at the cross roads. Nina’s voice whispered. Make your choice.
And as Ava turned to tell Kevin what she had decided, she saw her; the ghost of Nina materialized over Kevin’s head, and nodded.
Be strong Ava.
Ava nodded and turned to Kevin.

“Yes.”

Kevin’s face broke into a wide smile. “Really?”

Ava nodded, her face breaking into a smile as well. That was a mistake, Nina’s voice whispered in her ear, the ghost flitting beside Ava. You will regret that choice.

Ava shook her head, trying to get the voice out of her head. Kevin ran to her, picking her up and spinning her around.

Then he kissed her.

AAAH!! thank you!! *megatackle hugs* it was awesome!

Alright, now you just have to write more. Keep me updated!

Hi! Thanks for letting me know this next part was up

Alright,I wasn’t really a fan of this chapter. I can tell that you rushed it. The main issue I have is that it feels cliché; this is after all the classic best friends to soul mates scenario. I like how you made it so that Kevin had a reason for suddenly wanting this to go further (titi’s death), but his attitude towards her seemed more angry at her denial than patient and persistent, which I think would be more in character for him. I just feel like if he really loved her, he wouldn't be angry at her for making her own decisions. I don't think he should try to rush her into anything or demand an answer. I understand his kiss, that was impulsive, but his frustration and anger just seemed out of character.
Also, the ending confused me. Why was Nina’s voice telling her she would regret admitting her feelings for him? Hmm. I don't really follow.
I couldn't spot any grammar mistakes, and this all flowed together smoothly, so great job with that.
Sorry if this wasn’t much help! It was a little short, so I couldn't find much to critique

Hey there, Peyton, once again! Here to review, and I guess I won't have much to say since this is the continuation of the last chapter, but I'll try anyways.

“Oh...” Ava felt faint, her head spinning.

I haven't seen anybody write 'felt faint' before, so it would be better to change this part to something more subtle or suitable.


Whoa, I am seriously in love with this chapter. I mean, it was so good, you really gave all the expressions, the tone to the whole chapter. It was like you had done what we had wanted from you for so long. You finally went into details of the characters' emotions, and I could really feel it. You need to do all that so that your story becomes better. As I said in my previous review, you should go over some previous chapters, and edit them up seriously. It's really going to need one makeover, and I suggest that you do it now considering that you've crossed one stage of novel-writing.

Oh, I really liked this chapter, and I could really feel her confusion. The only thing I'd like you to add or to elaborate a bit upon would be that you need to expand the last scene. Like you say 'he kissed her'. I would personally need to see more of emotions here. Physical contact and all can come in later, and I don't mind it here also, but it is lot more important that you tie them emotionally with each other. I mean, like show us.

Other than that, I would like to just say what I had probably not explained in my last review that your characters or rather your story is really jumping here and there. Once we didn't know Titi and Kevin were dating and it came as a surprise and then Nina. Maybe we can slack that Nina part and let you go with it the way you're going, but still there are some elements in your story that have never arisen up before. It's just like you just thought of adding it and came with it. Don't worry, I did the same thing with my novel. So what I advice you to do is to go back, edit and for the next chapters, have a rough plan or sketch of how you're going to go with the story. It'd be more interesting for even you-you'll feel more involved in the process, and also it would surely make you more confident of your piece.

From the next time, for any novel you're writing, try making up a rough draft and then believe me, half of your worries would vanish. So, just do this, and do ask me for any kind of help you need with this one.

~Branch!

Hey.

Okay, so the pacing is a little better here - could be fleshed out more, but it's not a big issue.

What I do find a big issue is how the point of their mission is so forgotten. Have they even mentioned the Magi in the past three chapters? I don't think so. That's there goal, that's why they came on this quest. It's like they lost their motivation. They're not really working towards saving him anymore, or doing anything. It's like they're all wrapped up in their teen drama.

No, it's not bad, but it sort of defeats the point. If they're willing to risk their lives to go save the guy, are they going to forget about him? No, probably not.

Also, I don't like how they're in love, like right away. I think it would be better, for suspense and conflict and all that jazz, if you made them have to get on with their quest and leave it unresolved. It'll have a bigger affect later, I can almost guarantee.

Sorry this is short, but I got to my points. Send me a... post, I guess... when you're next chapter's up, kay?

loveness, ultraviolet <3