Vampire

I wrote this a while ago. Its only a few lines but I was wondering if this was a good start? Also I rated it 16+ since it has a mild violence.


This is not Bram Stoker's Dracula and most definitely not Joss Wieden's Buffy The Vampire Slayer. This is a story of
It was a cold dark night. She walked alone. Her short red hair pulled, loosely, into a braid. Her vibrant green eyes were shaking, not only from the cold but also by the fear. Her skin was white and her nose was speckled by the lightly dusted freckles.
It was early 18th century and she was alone in the night. She was soon to wed and desperately couldn't wait. She found who she had discovered to be the man she wanted with love and lust. He was surely the man for her. He was handsome, strong. And she, a duchess, believed him to be the one.
But the night was so eerie, and with that feeling, came a sense of vulnerability. She walked past the woods and out of the shadows came a young man. He could be not much older then she. He appeared seven-teen, or maybe eighteen. And I shall repeat; appears.
His eyes were as dark as can be. His skin pail and soft looking. His hair was as dark as ebony. He had an impure sense to him, as if he was tainted by the devil himself. Not dead, nor alive. His teeth were white as could be, pointed at the fangs. He stood there smiling.
The fog that surrounded the forest made the scene seem, in more ways then one, uncanny. The girl continued to walk past. The boy moved stealthily behind her. As she was walking she hadn't noticed that he was in the wake of her.
In a solitary second he seized her shoulder, curved her cranium to the side and enforced his fangs into her neckline. He began to drain her blood. Her fearful screams of pain were no more than heard by the sinister ravens of the darkness. The birds began to call and chant. They took to the air to leave the mysterious sight that even they were afraid of. The vampire.
She laid sleeping. Her eyes afraid to open from her dream. What if it hadn't been a dream, but a night mare, a vision, a prediction. She was frightened. She was unsure, anxious..

yes it definitely brings the scene in my mind.
it was a well defined descriptive piece and please don't make it so typical. vampire stories are as typical as teenage tales.
i hope this is not the picture in your mind that now the girl turns into a vampire and she goes back to her husband and she doesn't tell him and then he finds out and then he leaves her and then the vampire and the girl get together and they live a happily ever after dead life. im sure it isn't because i get that from your background. by the way please don't move so fast in your story. you abruptly skipped to the vampire transformation. just go in a well described flow. good luck with the rest!
James

Actually the girl isn't supposed to be a vampire yet. In fact I was planning on having this as a dream from her past life. I'm not sure yet. But the girl is definitely not supposed to be turned.

One thing people will probably learn about my vampire stories is that I don't like the whole romance thing. If there is romance then I will most likely destroy it in the most torturous way.

Hey there.

This is not Bram Stoker's Dracula and most definitely not Joss Wieden's Buffy The Vampire Slayer. This is a story of

There's a couple of problems with this line. The most prominent one is that it's not finished. What is the story of? Why is the narrator telling us this? Also, Buffy the Vampire Slayer wasn't invented in the eighteenth century, so why would you reference it? Dracula was also published in 1897 so it wasn't an eighteenth century novel either. Be careful when you reference other texts. Be sure to read up when they were written and published before you decide to date a setting.

It was a cold, dark night. She walked alone. Her short red hair was pulled loosely into a braid. Her vibrant green eyes were shaking, not only from the cold but also by the fear. Her skin was white and her nose was speckled by the lightly dusted freckles.

Some problems with commas here, and I've corrected anything in bold. Also, your description of the woman's surroundings is very underwhelming. Cold and dark doesn't give us much of a view as to what is going on. Describe the moon as it grimaced overhead, casting a wet, eerie light on the cobbled pavement, etc. Little details like that can really make a story.

Another point, your eyes can't shake with fear. Her teeth might chatter, her skin might shiver, her eyes might brim with frightened tears but I don't think they could shake. Just a little pointer.

Lastly, you're also info dumping on your reader. Her appearance isn't really all that important seeing as this is flash fiction. In a longer piece if you want to reference a character's appearance, do it subtley by working it into the story. Describe how the rain drenched her hair and dyed it a muddy brown, how her eyes darted around her as she stepped out onto the deserted street. Show rather than tell. Those are just examples.

It was early 18th century and she was alone in the night. She was soon to wed and desperately couldn't wait. She found who she had discovered to be the man she wanted with love and lust. He was surely the man for her. He was handsome, strong. And she, a duchess, believed him to be the one.

*Raises her hand* Questions. Why is she alone? Where is she? These questions need to be answered. If it's so scary outside, why doesn't she run back into the house/castle? More background on the fiancé would be great as well.

But the night was so eerie; with that feeling came a sense of vulnerability. She walked past the woods and out of the shadows came a young man. He could be not much older then she. He appeared seventeen, or maybe eighteen. And I shall repeat; appears appeared

.

Again, a bit more description as the man appears out of the shadows. As for corrections: Seventeen doesn't need a hyphen, and you change tenses in the last word. I corrected it anyway. :3

Also, a big point. You wrote 'I shall repeat,' here. That implies that the narrator of the story is an actual person, watching these events. It doesn't fit in much with the story, as it was narrated from third person omnicient up until this point, where you brought in the 'I' pronoun. I would cut this out to avoid confusion.

His eyes were as dark as can be. His skin pail pale and soft looking. His hair was as dark as ebony. He had an impure sense to him, as if he was tainted by the devil himself. Not Neither dead, nor alive. His teeth were white as could be, pointed at the fangs. He stood there smiling.

See my point on infodumping above. Also, the word fangs implies that his canines are sharp anyway, so perhaps you could just say that he had pointed fangs, rather than his teeth were pointed at the fangs.

In a solitary second he seized her shoulder, curved her cranium to the side and enforced his fangs into her neckline. He began to drain her blood. Her fearful screams of pain were no more than heard by the sinister ravens of the darkness. The birds began to call and chant. They took to the air to leave the mysterious sight that even they were afraid of. The vampire.

She laid sleeping. Her eyes afraid to open from her dream. What if it hadn't been a dream, but a night mare, a vision, a prediction. She was frightened. She was unsure, anxious..

Not quite sure what happened there. I think you should state this whole sequence was a dream at the start rather that dumping it on the reader at the end. It's a bit of an anti-climax. :3 Also, the top paragraph was very robotic, just a sequence of movements lacking any emotion at all. I feel nothing for the poor girl, because I can't relate to her. I don't know how she's feeling, really.

Overall

>> It needs a lot of work, mostly on description and syntax. I've talked about this above.

>> Otherwise, I liked the setting a lot. Modern vamps suck.

Well, thanks for posting. Keep writing.

-Moo

Hiiiiiiiiiiiii! Shit! What happens next.. You could've added that! It is damn cool! I dunno what happens later.. But here.. I like the way you've brought in the part where her life is in contrast with that bad bite.. This keeps the reader hung on to know what happens exactly with her life! And yes.. I absolutely love the idea that its so not a romance! Wow.. So glad u thought of that! keep it on.. And i'd be more than happy to know what happens later..

Well I was kind of contemplating this to be a dream. That's why I made it lack detail. But I don't know. What do you guys think?

I will take what you wrote into consideration.


Thank you for not attacking me when I wrote a vampire story. Some people on another forum read this they said this;

Okay, let me explain it like this.

Writing is similar to thought, yes? It's an ever shifting being, a state of thought that's constantly growing. Why write the same thing over and over? Why think the same thing over and over. (sorry John for borrowing this metaphor from you)

But I hope you get my point. Vampire stories have been murdered to death. Get over this angsty teenage girl phase "obsession" you have with them, take off the black clothes and the smudge eye-liner, read some decent literature, and learn.

Okay, let me explain it like this.

Writing is similar to thought, yes? It's an ever shifting being, a state of thought that's constantly growing. Why write the same thing over and over? Why think the same thing over and over. (sorry John for borrowing this metaphor from you)

But I hope you get my point. Vampire stories have been murdered to death. Get over this angsty teenage girl phase "obsession" you have with them, take off the black clothes and the smudge eye-liner, read some decent literature, and learn.

Those jackasses. Writing can be about thought, but writing can also be about anything you want. I'll be honest, I hate Twilight to death, but that doesn't mean I think Meyer shouldn't have written it. Writing is about doing what you love to do, and that's exactly what Meyer did. If anyone blames her for that, they are automatically wrong.

And really, what hasn't been done to death? Vampires just happen to be popular at this point in time, so now snobby kids show up and say "Oh, it's popular, it must be awful", completely forgetting that sometimes, things are popular for a reason. Sigh, people make me so angry sometimes.

As for your story, it needs a lot of work. I usually don't comment on unfinished fragments, but here I was compelled to comment just because of that quote you provided, so I figured I might as well look at what you wrote.

The biggest thing bothering me right now is the second sentence which ends on "This is a story of..." A story of what??? Blah, please finish your sentences. Yes, I just said that writing can be about anything you want, but it doesn't have to be low-quality. Unless there was a reason you didn't finish it? If there is a reason, please make it more apparent.

I'm not sure what POV you're writing in. Most of the story is in third person limited, but then you switch to first person - "...I shall repeat...". Where did that come from? Is this a story being told by someone to someone else?

The bit where you say "It was early 18th century" is very intrusive. I ranted about showing vs telling before, saying how telling should not be hated as it is, but here you're just overdoing it. Describe gas lamps to us, mention a horse carriage with a gentleman in a top hat, make an allusion to Jack the Ripper, you know. Anything like that. "It was early 18th century" is just... lazy writing.

Good luck. I'd like to see this story edited and fixed to shine nice and bright with potential.

Your servant,
cC