The Magi {Ch.8} Part 1

Spoiler

this is part 1 of ch.8!!!! I feel so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! be ready to scream!

Eight:
Part 1:
If the entire world were ending, I’d want to be here with you.
~Sonny Hawthorne

“Whoa.”
Ava stood, looking down at the scene in the courtyard below.

White vans swerved tipsily around on asphalt square. Men in big white coats pulled kids across to a building across from theirs, which had a sign hanging from it, Check In.

“What is this?” Kevin said, turning to Ava, his brow furrowed.
Ava ignored him, hitting his arm. “How could you say that to Greg?”
Kevin rolled his eyes and shot Greg an evil look. “Ava, listen… When you and Greg—“
He was cut off my Greg. “Can’t you let that go? It was one time! One time Kevin Price.”
Tears were rolling down Greg’s face, and his fists were clenched.
“One time too many!” Kevin’s chest was heaving, his eyes red with anger.
“Kevin…” Ava grabbed his arm, turning him to face her.
“Leave me alone Ashes.” his voice instantly changed from harsh and angry to soft and sweet.
“Yes leave him alone.” Greg spat, shaking all over. “I didn’t mean it. And you’ve never forgiven me.”
“You could have hurt her! If she had found out, you would have shattered her world!” Kevin was shouting now, his face a mask of hatred.
Are they talking about me? Ava wondered, watching as the two stepped closer to each other.
Should I stop them? Something was telling her that if she tried to stop it, she would get hurt.

“Because you were so worried about hurting her,” Greg’s voice had lowered to a growl, his face taking on a wolf like quality. “You did make out with Titi in front of her!"
Ava’s heart began to pound, what the heck are they talking about? Her mind screamed,
Yes, I went out with Greg for a while. And Kevin went out with Titi for a while. So what? It was behind us now. With Titi being… dead.
“And we all know you only went out with Titi to make her go out with you!” Greg glanced at Ava, who was visibly whiting.
Is he talking about… Me? No! Kevin and I have been best friends forever. There can’t be anything… Romantic between us. CAN’T!
Kevin spun around, looking at Ava. “Don’t—“
“Don’t listen to me?” Greg turned and stared at Ava, “He loves you! He’s loved you for years.”
“I don’t believe that.” Ava croaked, looking around, trying to avoid eye-contact with both Kevin and Greg.
“You don’t?” Kevin’s voice was shaking now, “why Ava? Why would it be so hard to believe?”
He was crying now, tears falling thick and fast, staining his aqua shirt.
“We’re best friends Kevin! You want to throw that away for something that won’t work out?” Ava was shouting now, her heart pounding.
He stepped closer to her, turning his back on Greg, who walked to the window, muttering to himself.
“It would work out. We know everything about each other. We could make it.”
Ava had started to cry, tears rolling side by side down her face. “Kevin…”
He stepped forward again. They were almost nose to nose. She could see the tears clinging to his eyelashes.
“Don’t you love me Ashes?” He whispered, leaning forward to press his forehead against hers.
“I…” Ava started, “I don’t know…”
“Maybe this will decide it for you,” he breathed, and he kissed her, his lips pressing against hers, soft and slightly chapped…
Ava broke away, crying for real now. “Kevin!”
“So?” he asked, his eyebrows rising. “Do you love me?”

TO BE CONTINUED

WHY ARE YOU SO CRUEL? WHYYYY? *falls onto her knees crying, then falls into a fetal position* whyyyyyyyyyy!

Also i loved it

You are a cruel, cruel person Pointe. Cliff hanger, really? There was a few mistakes. no capitals, a wrong letter, but I don't feel like going into that now. I am just going to say...KEEP WRITING ( you may get death threats, ya know, finish the chapter or else)

This is a very very short chapter, and if I were you, I wouldn’t end it where you did, but continue on for another couple of pages with this great tension you‘ve been stirring up. If felt like you were getting in the middle of something good, but you rushed it until you could get to that final kiss. And what you had at the end wasn’t even like a cliffhanger, it just made me feel like you cut it off in the middle of something important.

I thought it was kind of random to just say ‘oh, yeah, we used to date and so did those two’. At least mention it, if only briefly, before this point. Even if it’s just a side comment or joke from one of your characters. Greg saying something like, ‘hey, this kind of reminds me of our first date at that ice cream parlor, don’t you think, Ava?’ Ava, ‘oh yeah! That was such a disaster!’ she laughs. Ok, that was a crap example, but you get what I’m saying. There are ways to make this information less sudden.

The beginning was confusing, too. The short description you gave us of their surroundings was hardly adequate. I still have no idea what’s going on.

I do think that the dialogue was written well, and there was so much delicious tension in the air between your characters and I loved it. You can make much more of it if you just slow it down, add in detail, and just basically don’t rush into the kiss, which was lovely by the way. Also, don’t end the chapter immediately afterwards.

I’m still a little sad and disappointed that Titi died, but ah well. That’s just me.

I always love to read your work, and if you write more of this let me know!

Hey there, Pointe. I see that you don't have many reviews here, so I hope mine would be of a great help.

He was cut off my(by) Greg. %u201CCan%u2019t you let that go? It was one time! One time Kevin Price.%u201D

Last time I said that I didn't like your quote that much with effect to the chapter, and this time I really like the short and simple quote you've got here. It was perfect, and it suddenly made me realize that this might be the chapter where love brews between Ava and Kevin.

My problem here this time was that since you're posting the chapter here on YWS, and it's still not printed, so in the beginning you could have hinted or recalled what exactly Kevin had said to Greg which had hurt him so much. Maybe you could go into Greg's POV and told us what he was feeling. This brings me to my next point. The whole novel so far has only Ava and Kevin's point of views. Personally, even though that I know that they both are the MCs, but still I would like to know what all is going on in other's mind. They might not be important, but if they were to be ignored like this then better it was double POV of Kevin and Ava. Usually writers switch to third person only because they have to fluctuate to different point of views, and personally I really and I mean really, like how people(writers) jump to different people's thought processes. So, right now as in for your novel, make us step into other character's shoes. We don't wanna be left out in the fun, sadness or whatever it is that they're feeling. Otherwise it's as good as going into solo POV.

My next point here would also be that I was more than just confused on where the story began from. I mean, I don't remember any mention of the men. I don't remember or I couldn't recollect who these people were. Also, why was Kevin behaving so rudely to Greg? This sudden transformation in his character really makes me think again about him. Shouldn't he have felt sorry after causing so much pain to his friend, Greg with his words? But rather than that, he is delving into another fight. Even though later we do discover how and why they're fighting, but for the time being, it all appears weird.

Anyways, I don't have much to say for this chapter since it was short, being the first part. I don't have anything serious for this chapter, but for the entire novel. I really think that you've improved loads and loads after the first time you started writing this, and you should continue writing it. But what I'd like you to do now is to read the whole story like a reader. Just read, don't get new ideas. Just read for the first time, and then the second time you read the whole thing note down points you think you should work on. I know it's tough, but I think we can be the best assessors for our work, and be impartial to your piece. Be as harsh as you can because ultimately it's for your own good. Then, accordingly edit the places you want to change. Don't go in a rush with this. Be slow, and you'll definitely find your thing.

Secondly, your chapters are very short(excluding this one). I don't mean to say that there's a specific length for any chapter in the world. It's a writer's wish how short or long they want it to be. But I'd like to still add that your chapters look rushed-this is one thing which I think I've pointed out before, also. So, make your characters slow down everything they're doing. It'd be a lot more easier. Also, this Greg and Kevin's kinda cold war comes out as a big surprise, there was no hint before about this. Also, Ava and Kevin never mentioned in the beginning that Kevin and Titi dated for a while. In the beginning, when they both(Greg and Titi) were kissing, you should have told this. Maybe Ava saying something to Kevin cause she thought it was hurting him to see them. So, I am talking about loopholes like these in the entire story that make it so choppy. It's like everything had been hidden from us(which is not bad) but not indicating them before or making it sound fishy seems weird. So, you need to check on that.

I'll review other chapter, ASAP!

~Shrubs

Okay, I just want to say, when I first read this, I was really confused. The ending of that last chapter - her initial reaction after being swept away - and the beginning of this - how she notices things about her - made it hard to follow. When she yelled at Kevin, until I read through again, I was confused as to what she was referring to.

We're back on the pacing problem. First, they act like being swept up is a normal occurrence, and even for them it isn't. I don't think you focus enough on the scenery. I'd suggest, when they first get to the place, going into more detail about it, getting all the doubts and questions out then. After that, have them notice her outfit, more like an afterthought. Then, when you get to this chapter, that emotion will be the first thing on our minds and we won't have to even think about what's around them.

As for the actual scene, it's going too fast. Slow it down. Add more details about things, space the dialogue out. Give her thoughts. She's not going to stand there without something going on inside her head. And yes, we get a glimpse of it, we don't get a lot. Also, so far it seems too emotional. I don't get a glimpse of the built up emotions really before this. Not those kind of emotions. I mean, sure, the romance is kind of a given. But how they're relationships are intertwined is kind of jumbled, along with what they mean. Oh, and we don't even get completely what Greg doesn't want her to know.

For all I've said, just slow it down. You're rushing too fast towards the kiss, towards the whole "love" thing. You don't explain things, and the conversation, for the most part, is confusing and hard to follow. Just explain yourself more, and stop rushing through everything. Believe it or not, slowing down the pace actually increases the tension.

Oh, and an afterthought, I don't get what was so wrong about that outfit. It didn't seem overly provocative or anything. And I really want to know what Kevin started to say. So just flesh that all out more.

This is pretty good, really, even if my review makes you think otherwise. I'm blunt. It's how I review. It doesn't mean I don't like this, so keep that in mind.

loveness, ultraviolet <3

Drama, I loved it! Very good. We are hooked