Andromeda

If you don't know who Andromeda is, you should look her up!

Andromeda

When they chained you to your post,
did you think of duty then,
stripped of your dignity
like spring lambs sheared of their wool
for the first time.
No. You did not.
You fought with all the weapons of a woman;
you loosed your tongue and cried your tears
but still they betrayed you.
They tied your hands with callous chains
and pressed their shallow guilt against
your naked breast.
And, when they had left you to the sea,
you turned your defiance on him,
but your anger cooled like a sword
freshly cast
and plunged into the bucket.
You lowered your gaze and turned
your eyes to duty then;
when it was all you had.

______________
First draft stage. Haven't had a chance to double-look so my apologies for the unimaginative imagery. Help me make it a good second draft? xxxx

You need more references to the legend and to bring out the character of Andromeda beyond an invocation of her plight. That's the thing with Hellenistic/Roman pantheism, it requires and practically demands you sing of it down to the very bare bones of each god/goddess/legend/etc.

Think of Cepheus and Cassiopeia, they are integral in the story. Perseus too. Now do you name them? I don't know, but you have to detail why she is chained. Don't assume familiarity unless it's very, very clear every reader knows the back story.

Since your tone and speaker is so direct, you need to give the reader some help in understanding why your tone in necessary. Where does the reader stand? Are they completely remote from the events? Just onlookers?
Does that help?

My love!

First and foremost, I like this. In fact, I like this very much despite what I’ve done to it in the following lines. I love the mixed feeling of empty duty and rough sentiment. What I’ve added to this is a reference to Poseidon and clarified the betrayal only a little, because it was her mother who screwed her over, not just men. Have a look at what I have and I’ll include a little bit of explanation underneath.

Chained to your post,
did you think of duty stripped bare
as a lamb sheared for the first time?
All the weapons of a woman;
loose tongue and teary eyes,
not to belay the betrayal of your own sex.
callously hooked, pressed with the shallow
guilt of men against your naked breast,
you fought the sea with the valour
of martyr made honest by circumstance.
Poseidon cooled your anger like a sword
freshly cast and plunged.
Lowering your gaze, meek and raw,
you turned to duty as though
it was all you had.

I’ve tried to make this more in the present, in the moment of it happening, perhaps just afterward, because I feel like the immediacy should help with the impact. Some of the syntax I’ve rearranged, this is merely due to my own voice, I tend to lead things on and avoid joining clauses and you MUST remember to just discard me entirely if you don’t like anything or it doesn’t work for you.
At the end of your poem I’ve changed a bit of the sentiment, or perhaps through the entire poem. I’ve given her the suggestion of having more to her than her duty in this end because I think she had much more than that. She had dignity, courage and honesty. She could have run or killed herself rather than be taken by the sea, but she chose her people above all else, and that speaks of compassion as well. I wanted to push that across a little for you because I think it’s important for the woman in her, to be acknowledged.
As I’ve said, take what you like and discard anything you’re not sure about. ^^ I’m not going to be upset about it and neither should you. It’s a lovely poem regardless of any changes.

<3

Kitty15 wrote:When they chained you to your post, How about "chained to your post?"
did you think of duty then? I don't know about this line.... Consider changing it.
Stripped of your dignity
like spring lambs sheared of their wool "Sheared of their wool" sounds too much like "stripped of your dignity."
for the first time.
No. You did not.
You fought with all the weapons of a woman; Not sure about this line.
you loosed your tongue and cried your tears
but still they betrayed you.
They tied your hands with callous chains Don't think you need "callous."
and pressed their shallow guilt against
your naked breast. Lot's of adjectives in these last three lines.
And, when they had left you to the sea, Don't need "and."
you turned your defiance on him,
but your anger cooled like a sword
freshly cast
and plunged into the bucket. Not sure what this is trying to tell me.
You lowered your gaze and turned
your eyes to duty then;
when it was all you had.

Good work! Full of feeling and atmosphere. Hope this was helpful!

-Kafka