Young Writers Society

I wrote this for my special someone and I'm not to sure about it. Any comments would be welcome.



You open the doors
You let me in
Your way of saying you love me
You wink at me
Make me grin, you really do love me
I dance in the rain
You think I’m insane, but still you love me
I lose my mind, I can’t keep time,
And still you love me.
We fight, we yell, I told you to go to hell,
But still you love me.
So on this day, where cupid reigns,
I say “I Love You”
I’ll love you to the end, you’ll always be my friend and my love, to the end.

Hi,
I really like this poem, it's kind of tradditional with a realistic approach. Keep Writing. BTW love the pic.
XXXX

Hello there.

You open the doorsBetter just keep it as "door"
You let me in
Your way of saying you love me
You wink at me
Make me grin, you really do love me
I dance in the rain
You think I’m insane, but still you love me
I lose my mind, I can’t keep time,
And still you love me.
We fight, we yell, I told you to go to hell,I tell you to go to hell
But still you love me.
So on this day, where cupid reigns,when cupid reigns
I say “I Love You”
I’ll love you to the end, you’ll always be my friend and my love, to the end.A line too long. Feels a little awkward. Better break it into different lines.

All in all a good poem. It rhymed at some places and didn't rhyme at some. And that isn't good.
Keep writing.

I love this poem, not too long and not too short and very true. Anyone who has been in love can relate to the love hate situation. Its described perfectly so Bravo to you! and do keep up the good work.
xx Upile xx

Hey there! So this is really cute and I rather love the simplicity. I'm sure whoever you wrote it for would be delighted I do have a few criticisms concerning grammar and what not though. You should be really careful how you punctuate your poem as that tells the reader how to read your poem, which lines are connected to which and can clear up any of those little misunderstandings. Here's a line by line:

You open the doors,
You let me in
Your way of saying you love me [So which is the way of saying you love me? This line could be connected to either the previous or next. You could be saying 'You let me in: Your way of saying you love me.' or 'You let me in./ Your way of saying you love me: You wink at me,/ Make me grin...' See. Just a little punctuation changes the meaning of these lines.]
You wink at me
Make me grin, you really do love me [I don't think 'you really do love me' is necessary here. It's a little repetitive and a case of telling over showing.]
I dance in the rain
You think I’m insane, but still you love me [Again, a little repetitive. You can express the same appreciation of love without using these words. For example: 'You think I'm insane, but there's a smile in your eyes.']
I lose my mind, I can’t keep time, [I'd like to see you expand on the theme of being able to keep time. You could really add some personality there. Like... what kind of troubles can that lead to? Do you worry that not being able to keep time will make you late to your own wedding?]
And still you love me.
We fight, we yell, I told you to go to hell, [This is a little cliché and the one syllable rhyme makes it worse. Maybe if you go into the details of the arguments it will make it more original and personal. Do you argue over something different to most people? My parents fight over how to make stuffing. Details like that can really make a difference to a poem.]
But still you love me.
So on this day, where cupid reigns,
I say “I Love You”
I’ll love you to the end, you’ll always be my friend and my love, to the end.

Very sweet ending. Like I said, I like this and the criticism I've given you is more a thing to take into consideration in the future. It isn't necessary to actually change this poem since it's such a personal one from you to one of your loved ones. It should help you improve your poetry in general though.

Let me know if you've got any questions!

Heather xxx

Hey I'm Amie and I'll be reviewing for you today

I don't think I need to bother with grammar and such as I think this has been dealt with by the lovely reviewers before me. I also agree with Kitty15 about the repetition of the 'love me' segments. I can kind of understand where you were coming from when you wrote it but when I'm reading it I'm just getting irritated by the repetition and thinking 'okay I think you covered that.' In fact I think the poem would be better if you took them all out (except the last one). OR if you did get rid of that one also, which I think is probably the best option then I think it'd be best changing the next line to 'But on this day, when cupid reigns.'

I like the part with 'we fight, we yell' but I think it goes too far with the hell part. Besides I think the rhyming here distracts away from the emotions of the poem and makes it feel less real. I think maybe you should have something else here, maybe you could even revert back to the very beginning by having 'slammed shut doors'...or something of the sort

With the poem as a whole I'm not entirely sure if you're going for a rhyming scheme or not because it seems pretty inconsistent at the moment.

To me the ending feels a little rushed and to the point. Personally I don't think she needs to explicitly say 'I love you' just as he hasn't for her to know. I'd suggest something like...

So on this day, when cupid reigns,
I take your hand, whisper your name.
In my eyes for only you to see,
the love that's there unconditionally.
From now until the very end,
always my love, always my friend.

OR something along those lines. Lovely poem though, some really nice emotions and cute little mannerisms that make it feel real. Let me know if you redraft and want me to have another read-though as I'd be happy to