Very but interesting read.

This is the prelude to a story about a young wolf named Nero. the story is a work in progress and I just finished the chapter one out line today, typing it up now xD

The White wolf ran to his feeble sister and buried his maw deep into her pure white fur. Tears were running down his snout and switching creatures only to dampen her limp body. With a deep brotherly love, the male white wolf licked his sisters’ grave wounds, which painted a sticky red all over his snout.

Emotional pain possibly greater than his sisters’ lethal wounds began to swell up in the brother figure as he spoke, “ Forgive me for I have failed you”. The tears became more fluent now. With her last breath and all her remaining strength, “ There is nothing to forgive. Good night, Nero”. She slipped into an eternal sleep, never again to talk to her loving brother.

Nero got up, now smeared with blood. He ran as hard and fast as he could into the woods, searching for any small sign of the creature responsible his sisters’ death. There was no scent or trail to follow and Nero spent the night wandering his home forest alone, or so he thought.

Thanks for reading and PLEASE comment! I want heaps of feed back! xD

*Sniffles a bit* Poor Nero! I find it ironic, perhaps purposefully, that people call you Nero, and your wolf-character's name is Nero.

Now, justa question, but is Nero 100% wolf, or otherwise, because I don't think that 100% wolves have the capability to "cry.

Now... on with the nitty gritty; (my remarks are in bold)

Nerosns wrote:This is the prelude to a story about a young wolf named Nero. the story is a work in progress and I just finished the chapter one out line today, typing it up now xD Oh? So can I be expecting more?

The White "White" shouldn't be capitalized, unless it is a title, or name... is it? wolf ran to his feeble sister and buried his maw ... having some difficulty with this word... Maw? Muzzle? What is a "maw?" deep into her pure white fur. Tears were running down his snout and switching creatures It took me a mopment to understand the "switching creatures" part... perhaps consider rewording it? only to dampen her limp lovin' the word choice, btw! body. With a deep brotherly love, the male white wolf licked his sisters’ grave wounds, which painted a sticky red all over his snout Perhaps add something along the lines of... "as he nuzzled up against her?".

Emotional pain possibly greater than his sisters’ lethal wounds began to swell up in the brother figure as he spoke, “ Forgive me for I have failed you”. The tears became more fluent now. New paragraph? With her last breath and all her remaining strength, “ There is nothing to forgive. Good night, Nero”. OMG, threatening tears from me!!!! Did you cry during this part? You know what they say; no tears in the writer, no tears in the reader. PS, I love the attitude of graciousness you display in the sister in so short a piece ;D She slipped into an eternal sleep, never again to talk to her loving brother.

Nero got up, now smeared with blood. He ran as hard and fast as he could into the woods, searching for any small sign of the creature responsible his sisters’ death. There was no scent or trail to follow and Nero spent the night wandering his home forest alone, or so he thoughtXD LOVE the suspense!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

Thanks for reading and PLEASE comment! I want heaps of feed back! xD

Well, there are my nitpicks. I definitely want to know more about how hte sister got hurt... was it Nero's fault? Was he careless, and got her into trouble? FILL ME IN!!!! This is great, but it definitely needs more work; more context! I NEED to know how this all began, and even more so need to know how it ends!!!! Definitely tell me when you post more; related to this or other wise. Post a notice on my wall or something. (Also, explain MAW!!! lol)

Well that was like my first draft so I know there were some errors xD
You nailed em
Wolves cant talk either So I think there can be an exception to the crying.
Yea, the name became well known as I rp once in a blue moon Nero is my character, but I found I had so many idea's bursting out that I had to write them down.

You say you want to know what happens next and what happened to clair? xD
Thats the point!
I'm writing the story and just now finished the outline for chapter 1.

This is very much going to be a fantasy story and there will be creatures I create.

Poor Nero? You don;t know the half of it

For 15 you obviously know your stuff... I failed english and have never even tried to write. that there was my first draft of any type of story I have ever written of free will. ( if your being forced it would lack emotion/spirit and you wont know how well you can write in my opinion x) )

P.s 'Maw' is the proper term for the wolfs snout/mouth/thingimah area xD

I noticed too, that I didn't think wolves could 'cry'.
It was so sad!!! Nero is a lovely name by the way XD.

The White wolf ran to his feeble sister and buried his maw I didn't understand maw either, although I did get the gist of the phrasedeep into her pure white furQuick Q here: how can her fur be pure white if she is covered in blood, which the end of this paragraph suggests?. Tears were running down his snout and switching creatures I didn't get this. Consider replacing with 'soaking into her fur' or something similar? only to dampen her limp body. With a deep brotherly love, How did he show brotherly love? Give an example of it, maybe a word, or stroke?the male white wolf licked his sisters’ grave wounds, which painted a sticky red all over his snout.

Emotional pain possibly greater than his sisters’ lethal wounds I don't think 'emotional' sounds good here... it sounds very clinical to me! And be firm! Say 'overwhelming him as his sister's wounds did her' instead of 'possibly' began to swell up in the brother figure as he spoke, “ Forgive me for I have failed you”. OMG! How did such a devoted brother fail her? Please give more info...The tears became more fluent now. With her last breath and all her remaining strength, I feel a simile or metaphor would fit well here. e.g. her last shreds of strength0“ There is nothing to forgive. Good night, Nero”. She slipped into an eternal sleep, never again to talk to her loving brother. OK, this may be just me, but I think you're overdoing the 'loving, devoted' brother theme a little xD

Nero got up, now smeared with blood. He ran as hard and fast as he could into the woods, searching for any small sign of the creature responsible his sisters’ death. There was no scent or trail to follow and Nero spent the night wandering his home forest alone, or so he thought. DRUMROLL! I love that last paragraph. Bu the way, what did he do with his sister's body? Did he bury it, cover it with leaves, or leave it there to be eaten by vultures?

I really enjoyed reading that. I like the themes of sorrow and betrayal that it carries xD I know, I'm such a drama queen!!
I hope you will write us another chapter soon!

Not be picky or anything but this is not a chapter xD Its actually a 'prelude' as in get you anxious to read the actually story. To solve the problem about pure white fur and covered in blood. I was impli'n ( cant spell sorry, failed English T-T) the actually coloring. but I could say pure white pelt. implying the fur is white but she can still be all.. sticky and such xD

Will be changing the 'running down the snout...' sentence because it doesn't make sense at all xD
Would you lick somebodies open wounds large enough to kill them? xD I wouldn't!... hence an act of love. ( brotherly because its not sexual and they are siblings)

He failed for she is dieing. :'(

I could stop saying 'loving so much' but the point of repeating brother was to build up the 'who the hell is guy' factor. Because this is like a 'trailer' for a story its like building the suspense in a way most people are oblivious to. You know when someone says their name for the first time? I get shivers when this happens.
So I thought what better way to have someone introduced but not introduced ' if you get that xD' By having someone close in the familly die saying it Makes for more drama, or at least that was the goal. I didn't actually try rewording this. how it is is how I typed it so some parts dont make sense! Dx

- Breaks into song-
" I see the vultures,
They watch me bleed" ( E.t.c. xD )

I haven't actually thought about the body yet. I am nowhere near up to that part of the story. I have only finished the out line of the first chapter. I think I'm just going to let Nero leave it. Or make a small grave, but an open one. She will return to the world how she was meant to if you know what I mean? Wolves dont have a the same religious beliefs as us anyways! xD ( Or so I would assume! X)!!)

Thanks for reading! ( might actually fix this up later tonight. I thought it was a decent first draft xD and is alos the first small piece I have ever writin out of free will. - has no idea what i'm doing!- )