A Poem For the Girl

So I wrote this up and am planning to deliver it for valentines. As such, I would really appreciate any advice and input you guys have! I'm not real set on the title at all, and I would love if anyone had a suggestion there, but yeah, thanks in advance for your help! It is very much appreciated. -J.R.S.

Ok first, let me say that as a girl, I would LOVE for someone to write me a poem, so thumbs up there! And this is very sweet. I do however have a suggetion to make. In the line "With your bright smile, and unique glowing self, You care for no one, besides yourself." When I first read it, it sounded like she only cares about herself. You know, in a self centered way, but as I continued I figured this was not the case. So, just saying, you may want to rewrite that line.

P.S. My favorite line is the last one, so very sweet!

I loved this!

The only nitpicks I have is, as the girl above me said, the line does make her sound a bit self-centered upon first reading.

in the seventh...stanza?...'your' should be 'you're'.
That's all I have! I wish you luck in delivering this to her

Actually, Tiger, it shouldn't. At least not as I understand it.

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Warning, this will be short.

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Hey J. This was a really good poem. I like how you managed not to fall on your face with the rhyming and you chose words that rhymed well so that you didn't have to maneuver about. Good on you. I like how it sounds sincere. I could easily say that you ought to put more personality into the girl, but then I think that perhaps it would be too... obvious. I think it's incredibly hard to write a romantic poem without being very specific about a person's personality or events that only that person has experienced etc. So I'm just gonna warn you that it's not entirely necessary to make it a personal thing.

What is necessary though is to exaggerate. Sometimes people downplay too much. I don't think you're poem needs more emphasis (I actually think it's kind of perfect), but if you are aiming to edit it then remember to edit out anything passive and anything that doesn't explode. Even if she won't remember every line, she'll remember the fire of the explosions. (You should put some kind of explosion there! And a car chase and a demigod... I can see it now )

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Thanks for the awesome read man,
TheNewHero

Heya, first off, thanks a million for inspiring me to find help from the community for my poem for Valentine's Day.

Now, I warn you, this'll be short, but here we have it: this was great. The rhymes weren't forced at all and it flowed naturally, which is a biiiiiig plus. Second, it was nice and simple, which conveys ones sincerity, but then again it had all the emotion of a much longer piece. As for the title, I'm not so sure if it even needs one really if you think about it. But that's up to you. ^^

I'm sure this'll be recieved well by whomever you're planning on handing it to, but the best of luck anyhow!

|Life|

Poem For The Girl

There’s chocolate and hugs and love all about,
It’s that time of year when we get rid of doubt.

We forget all our troubles and think of that one,
The person we say shines bright as the sun. Nice line!

I’m writing this now to make my point,
And just hoping and wishing it won’t disappoint.

You’re my happy place, my wondrous dream,
My wish for the “mate” that’s jumbled in team.

With your bright smile, and unique glowing self,
You care for no one, besides yourself. Huh? A little confusingly written.

Your You're happy and kind, just as perfect is defined,
and I just want to say I wish you were mine.

But rhymes aside, it comes down to this.
It is you, your voice, your everything I miss.

So the following verse I know to be true,
I know who I love and it has always been
You. Love the ending! Good job!

I liked the poem, but I agree with everyone on the line that sounds like she is self centered. Otherwise it is pretty good. I don't believe it needs a title, but it's your poem. Hope she loves it!!

Hey there! First off, this is really sweet and I'm sure any girl would be delighted to receive it. Having someone write a poem for you or do anything artistic for you is very flattering, so I'll wish you the best of luck with giving it to her!

On to the review. I think you've got a good form here but you might want to try making some of those images more original. They're all quite generic or vague, so you should ask yourself what it is you really like about her. Is there a better way you could describe her smile? You say bright, but think about things like what colour her lips are, what shape? You could maybe say cherry smile if she wears lots of red lipstick, or candy-floss smile. Something a little more unique.

Try to avoid the cliches like, 'bright as the sun' as they're dull and too over-used. Think of something more original which may or may not relate to your relationshhip with the girl. For example, you might use 'bright as a traffic light' which also suggests safety etc.

Good sense of rhythm and an overall feel of sincerity and sweetness so nice work. And once again, good luck, enjoy your valentine's day!

Heather xxx