Junebug

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Hi there!
So, gorgeous imagery in this-- I love the simplicity of the tone. I do think that there are some things that could be worked on though:

next to polaroids,

I hate to say this, because I loved my old polariod camera when I was younger, but the word has become overused in poetry, all for the same tone. Now when I hear it in this type of setting, it immediately sets the tone and feel of the piece, making all the imagery sepia toned and whatnot. I feel like it might benefit you to change the description to hint at polariods, rather than using the actual word. I know it probably sounds odd, because that would require more words, but then you could create your tone without using the one that is carried along with this words. More of a personal thing though.

and marked down like lacey little legs (Phyllophaga genus).

Love the genus reference at the end-- but why are they marked down like lacy little legs? Shouldn't the legs be there, literally? You make this seem almost figurative, when it felt very literal before.

And I can hear the coffee drying in your cup
crackling like insects might between your fingers.

Love this part-- really carries the theme of bugs well, and the imagery is great.

June has always been your favourite, in fact
when June comes, it tastes like you.

This feels very awkwardly phrased. This line would be considered a comma splice in prose, and seeing that you've punctuated the piece as you would a paragraph, it's off. You might separate the clauses at "In fact" and start a new sentence, as the flow here feels like it almost tumbles in your mouth. Also, the wording itself feels a bit off. The rapid change in subject where you're entirely focused on them, what their favorite is to what June tastes like to you makes this a bit odd. Maybe transition from one subject to another with a quick phrase or add something at the end that makes you the clearly defined subject of the second part.

So, overall, great job. There are a couple of awkward sections, but for the most part, great job. Sorry for the short review.
-Coral-

110 views and one comment? You're intimidating them Kammers!

For kicks, I will reiterate my earlier comments on here.

Kamas wrote:...

The initial inclination a reader might feel is "gee, Junebugs are an odd metaphor" and this may seem right, but this is actually very typical of poetry. Nature is a conceit often used to represent realities of the human world we have problems with, torment us, etc. However, readers are correct when realizing the junebugs are a metaphor for another purpose.

A quick skim of the poem, hopefully not just that, imparts a feeling of reminiscence. Note the first line's image in your mind "You had junebugs pinned down next to polaroids,". Well, CLEARLY, that junebug metaphor isn't getting the limelight in this poem being impaled on display within five words of the first line. So what then, is poet attempting to convey? The next three lines take a deeper step into this question, which consider information: included in ( ), language describing a cup, and then in that same object a metaphor created circling back to insects.

If that's confusing, it's OK, as poetry requires deeper reading. I have one qualm with the poem myself so far "and marked down like lacey little legs" and in the beginning of the second line, I'm not certain as to what the imagery of lacey legs adds beyond the taxonomy writing. Does this actually enrich the following lines or just fill space? Perhaps it's meant to insinuate something about the relationship between the speaker and the unnamed subject (the other person). Nonetheless, to our three aforementioned lines, the message is a display of time spent together, a shared acknowledgment is occurring between the one who collects bugs and the one who has come to disdain them. This speaker describes drying coffee in an otherwise aggressive manner that makes the pinned down junebugs seem luckier than the coffee. Irony displayed in other words.

On to the next few lines "I could watch you sweep your fingers over glass/ cases for hours, one for every month./ June has always been your favourite, in fact/ when June comes, it tastes like you,". Again, irony is created here. The speaker can watch something, which they have plausibly seen happen quite often, and have a bitter feeling about abstract divergences involving representations about June in relation to how the person tastes. In this case, kissing = taste. Then what, you might wonder, is the bug for every month supposed to mean? A fixed obsession by this person over junebugs every month? Perhaps a different relationship every month? A trophy game? Perhaps it's an externalization of the speaker's frustration seeing this obsession continuing. (edit: forgot to mention, the bugs for each month indicate the amount of time these two may have been together. clever tools like that can impart much more than any stanza is capable of)

Like
caffeine and overheated flowers crawling
with the bugs in your array.

I think I like September better.

In my opinion these final lines display the speaker's perspective the best. The other person tastes like a sweet, addicting drug, yet also tastes like flowers unnaturally crawling with bugs. I believe the intention is to show even more, the person's fixation with their array, to the frustration of the speaker. In the end, the speaker simply likes something better. I feel, though don't know entirely for certain, that this is admittance that the speaker is done. Finished. Wants to move on. In all, I think this poem has to do with a failing, dying romance. It is not outwardly negative, at least not yet, but the highlight of an interaction is the speaker's admittance at seeing bugs everywhere, and to whom they are sitting with makes no attempt to communicate back; thus the other person is not communicating.

What I believe holds this poem back is being too cryptic in the feelings of the speaker's alienation to their perceived partner and lacking a mention more or two of the other person. In all, Kamas, it won't take much to change my opinion of that, but that's my opinion. Choosing what to change or take out may be hard since most ideas fit together quite well. The only line I found odd was the second one, but that's because it doesn't pull back to either person clearly or the later ideas presented (the taxonomy though is fine). Really, quite enjoyable each time I read it though.

The first time I read through this I didn't really like it. After a couple more read-throughs I appreciate the intricacies of the piece much more, but there are still some things keeping me from loving it.

The first issue is that the poem uses techniques which have become so common in poetry that they dull the strength of the underlying idea. Persy mentioned the polaroids, and I agree with her comments on that.
Your use of phrases like "I can hear", "I could watch" and "when June comes, it tastes like you" establish an over-reliance on the sensual aspects of the situation. Starting lines with "I could" is especially common, as it's so open that it lets the writer easily push some flowery, emotional language into the poem. The problem is that when these highly descriptive sentences take up most of a poem, you end up with something that sounds pretty but doesn't really get at anything. When I look at this poem I see 10 lines setting the scene, and one line giving that scene meaning. I ended up feeling similar to MMM in that I wanted more in how these two people relate to each other. The description is wonderful, but give me some substance.

My other issue (which ties in with the previous one) is that the ending was so abrupt. Suddenly, almost like an afterthought, you throw in the most telling line in the poem and finish things there. There's no explanation or lead in, it just happens and ends.

I was also confused by lines 5 and 6. The ending leads me to interpreting this poem to be about estrangement in a relationship, yet these lines communicate a desire to watch this person for months. How these two conflicting ideas relate is never fully developed.

Once again, you've shown yourself to be an excellent writer. I'm incredibly impressed by how tight this poem is. Each line works as an interlocking piece that fits perfectly with the previous and next, and your description is, as always, fantastic. I'd like to see you not make things so easy on yourself though. Try pushing deeper into the meanings underneath that description.

hey...its a short but nice poems...i won't point out any errors...I can't locate them in any poem at all.... but i liked....and i like September too...

This was very neat. I didn't expect it to end so and that is good. But I would like a little more depthfrom the speakers POV. How does he/she feel about how he/she feels? Just an idea. I really liked it.

I loved that it was so subtle forget depth forget any other pretense it's perfect. The character's point of view expressed an interesting kind of fascination mixed with disgust.Then to end it so neatly it seemed to echo an emotion of hollow love of love because they don't know what else to say or do. Then again that's just my interpretation I'm always more interested in a writer's view of their own work. For instance Mark Twain hated The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, hopefully you don't feel the same about your poem because this is a simply lovely poem, I've just now decided to start reading your work believe I shall be impressed.