New World of Old News

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Iceworks
Gender Male
Points 1070
Reviews 3
Mon Feb 07, 2011 11:42 pm
Iceworks says... · Mon Feb 07, 2011 11:42 pm
It's the world that breaks apart from all else.
Happiness has yet to be and invention.
New to anything and everything but itself.
Filled with fresh soil and old collection,
Of ideas passed around throughout ages.
Although never on this ever-so-new land.
Invention starts here in ice, stone cages.
Holding back and chewing at the hand.
Of one man lost in thought for more.
Love does not linger in the air, yet.
The need for survival is the very core.
Even in stone nothing has been set.
It's a world that breaks apart from all else,
Ice trapping thought that no one has yet felt.
I.C.E.W.O.R.K.S
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silented1
Gender Male
Points 625
Reviews 286
Tue Feb 08, 2011 2:23 am
silented1 says... · Tue Feb 08, 2011 2:23 am
Spoiler
Happiness has yet to be and invention.

Do you and to be an?

New to anything and everything but itself.
Filled with fresh soil and old collection,
An old collection?
My problem here is that you could have made an image to this or some other form of imagery / poetic devices to make this be more effective. Right now it stands on nothing, because you've had no other concrete things up to this point.
Some of what is above can be considered blank description, because it doesn't really tell us anything. Like the happiness is not an invention. This doesn't have a lot of direction, because it isn't reflected on a lot, it's not really expanded.

Now, that's just some problems, they can be ignored in this poem, because I believe you should cut a decient part of this out. But they're still not something you want to repeat.


Okay, so...
Invention starts here in ice, stone cages.

I'd say to keep this and everything below it. Reason being is that it has better description and it's more connected, when compared to the set of lines above. (excluding the the line about love, it seems pretty random and unneeded.)
It has some better imagery and stands better by itself.

Good luck, keep writing;
Silented1.
[quote]If it's arguable, then it probably is." - Xeriana X

Link to my will review for food thread: topic71713.html
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Demoness
Gender Female
Points 8572
Reviews 424
Sun Feb 13, 2011 10:13 am
Demoness says... · Sun Feb 13, 2011 10:13 am
This was interesting... I had a little trouble following at first but when i re-read it I think I got it right. I really liked the last four lines, all though the two lines above seemed a bit misplaced. Anyhowww. I think it was an amazing poem and I think that the fact that it took a while for me to get it all just made it a bit more interesting soo. You get Four of Five toast!

// Hugs and Hearts from Sagaaaa, The Demoness.
"Some say the world will end in fire;
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice." - Robert Frost
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Emmzziee
Gender Female
Points 444
Reviews 120
Sun Feb 13, 2011 1:33 pm
Emmzziee says... · Sun Feb 13, 2011 1:33 pm
I love the topic idea; it's very insirational - and imaginative. I love your use of description too :D The sentences you used sound real' mature :D I have a slight problem with the way this poem is layed out... It sounds too clunked together.
You need to use more commas, more use of verses, etc... I have nothing more to say, really; everything's been covered already :D
You're definately not lacking imagination and imagery ideas :D YAY :) Xxxx
I want to play a game.
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