The Storm Comes

Hey guys! So, Just to warn you, I suck at poetry. Out of everything in this world, poetry is the thing I'm the worst at. So, why am I here, you ask. Well, I'm being FORCED to do it for English.
So, here it is. I warned you!

It's the beginning of the storm
And I'm watching the tempest form
On the earth, the colors lack
As the sky turns gray and black
It is forming.

I hear the thunder far away
But not for long will it stay at bay
Threatening, it softly roars
As the people lock their doors
It is coming.

Shoving the dust and pushing the trees
The wind brings all things to it's knees
It clears a path for it's tempest friend
And pushes it along, towards the skies end
It is near.

In a crackling, electric bolt
The armies of storm start with a jolt
A hundred drops sound like a thousand feet
As a wall of rain marches to complete
It is here.

So there you have it. Considering my poetry skills, I don't think it's too bad, but all the glory goes to God. Cause I'm telling you, this would have been a preschool rhyme with out him. Although I'm not too fond of the last stanza (or what ever you call that bunch of words. I'd call it a paragraph), so if you guys could help me with that, I will love you forever.

Ugh! *is frustrated with YWS for erasing my indents*

Hello!
Truth here for a review

Dragonette wrote:Hey guys! So, Just to warn you, I suck at poetry. Out of everything in this world, poetry is the thing I'm the worst at. So, why am I here, you ask. Well, I'm being FORCED to do it for English.
So, here it is. I warned you!

It's the beginning of the storm ,
And I'm watching the tempest form,
On the earth. the colors lack This line here seems to be a filler between the one before and the one after...
As the sky turns gray and black.
It is forming.

I hear the thunder far away,
But not for long it will stay at bay.
Threatening, it softly roars,
As the people lock their doors.
It is coming.

Shoving the dust and pushing the trees, Shoving and pushing are very similar words, I'd suggest changing pushing for something like 'slanting'
The wind brings all things to its knees;
It clears a path for its tempest friend,
And pushes it along, towards the sky's end
It is near.

In a crackling, electric bolt,
The armies of the storm start with a jolt.
A hundred drops sound, like a thousand feet,
As a wall of rain marches to complete.
It is here.My favorite stanza x)

So there you have it. Considering my poetry skills, I don't think it's too bad, but all the glory goes to God. Cause I'm telling you, you would have a preschool rhyme with out him. Although I'm not too fond of the last stanza (or what ever you call that bunch of words. I'd call it a paragraph), so if you guys could help me with that, I will love you forever.

Alright so, it wasn't all that bad. There aren't a lot of mistakes, I've only added the proper punctuation. I love the gradation in this, it's a nice touch

The things I think you could improve are in the department of the the emotions, and the figures of speech in this. The way you write this.. I can feel how much you don't want to write this; there's no emotion. It's almost like you only wrote this only to write something, there's no message or anything to hold my attention. It's seems very mechanical. To help with this unemotional feeling, I suggest that before writing a poem, you choose and emotion. May it be anger, pity, loneliness, happiness, excitement... whatever, you choose. You take that emotion and explain it to us, with words.
i.e... (heartbroken) A mangled limb, lying on the ground. Its beating reverberating through the thick walls, a wordless cry for help, won't be heard from miles away. So alone in this faceless crowd.
Just playing with words and images you get while thinking about your message.
It's something that can be very hard, finding the right words, I mean.. but once you have them, it makes a piece so much more powerful.

You've got a great imagery for the most, though Work on the emotion and it'll be absolutely great! You should definitely write more poetry, you do have talent
Keep on writing!

-Truth-

It's the beginning of the storm This line could be reworded better.
And I'm watching the tempest form Nice!
On the earth, the colors lack
As the sky turns gray and black
It is forming. Hmm; you recently used "form," so this sounds odd.

I hear the thunder far away "Far away" is a bit cliched.
But not for long will it stay at bay
Threatening, it softly roars
As the people lock their doors This line is shorter than the rest.
It is coming.

Shoving the dust and pushing the trees
The wind brings all things to their knees Dunno about this line.
It clears a path for its tempest friend Tempest friend? Not sure what you mean by this.
And pushes it along, towards the skies end
It is near.

In a crackling electric bolt Excellent! Love this!
The armies of the storm start with a jolt
A hundred drops sound like a thousand feet
As a wall of rain marches to complete Complete what? Sounds like an unfinished thought.
It is here.

Hey, you don't suck at poetry! This is awesome! Great imagery. Keep up the good work!

-Kafka

It is forming. Hmm; you recently used "form," so this sounds odd.

I know, but I couldn't think of another word that meant 'forming' that would be suitable. Also, it kinda goes with 'coming' so I like it. (cause, you know, they both end in 'ming' I know it isn't technically a rhyme, but it works)

Threatening, it softly roars
As the people lock their doors This line is shorter than the rest.
It is coming.

Yes, the last two lines have six syllables, that way they have good rhythm. (Is that right? I'm such a rookie at this stuff)

Shoving the dust and pushing the trees
The wind brings all things to their knees Dunno about this line.

What don't you know about it?

It clears a path for its tempest friend Tempest friend? Not sure what you mean by this.
And pushes it along, towards the skies end
It is near.

Well, tempest means storm, so the wind is kind of like announcing that the storm (its friend/partner) is coming. Something like that.

As a wall of rain marches to complete Complete what? Sounds like an unfinished thought.
It is here.

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To tell you the truth, I'm not quiet sure. Lol. I was stuck on this line forever. I could also end the line with "Defeat" but then it would sound like the storm will be defeated, like it's marching to its defeat. When I want to give the idea that the storm is going out to defeat, like, its mission is to defeat (again, what? I'm not sure XD)

Hey, you don't suck at poetry! This is awesome! Great imagery. Keep up the good work!

Thanx!

And thanx for your review Truth!

Dude-you definitely don't suck at poetry, only you might want to add some emotion to this because it is kind of boring. The purpose of the lines at the end of each stanza I guess would be to add some sense of suspense or emotion, but they don't do the job. I'm sorry but I don't have any ideas on how to fix it, but that doesn't mean that it can't be fixed-definitely if this is something you were "forced" to write then it can definitely become a pretty solid poem.
Something I would try is getting rid of the couplet rhyme scheme-I don't think it adds anything and rhyming lines are so 18th century romantic style! Here's what I would try with the 1st stanza-

It's the beginning of the storm ,
And I'm watching the tempest form,
On the earth. the colors lack
As the sky turns gray and black.
It is forming.

The storm begins, as the colors form, as the earth turns gray and black-it is forming.

But hey, that's just me, with a little revision this can be pretty darn good-keep it up!

Kay, thanks for the advice. I just don't know how to do poems any other way then that. Besides, that's the way my English book said I had to do it, so I have to keep it that way.
And, yes, I know it has no emotion. It's because-- 1: like I said, I was forced to do it. A funny thing about me is that I have to be inspired and do it on my own free will or I get nothing out of it. And, 2, I suck at poetry. I find words that rhyme and jam them together. To me, that's poetry.

But, like I said, thanks for the help. Maybe it'll give me an idea for another poem. (if I ever do another one)

You didn't mention you had this poem up here!!!! Wow!!! So brilliant, vivid....descriptive....I feel like I'm there!!! O please let it rain soon!!!! Thank you for this delightful piece