sometimes

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When youre around
Ive finally found
Someone who cares
But you left scars
On my heart so dear
Now im in fear
You, ill never get over


I know its not that good, so please please help.
But if you think it good then comment that if you want.
Last edited by jujubean05 on Mon Feb 07, 2011 1:23 am, edited 1 time in total.
If life gives you lemons.................make beef stew!!!
If someone is taller than you............stand on something so you can punch them! lol thats an inside joke so if you don't get sorry.




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this doesnt make any sense.
~ Shanyn Beckham




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1014
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ummm ok
If life gives you lemons.................make beef stew!!!
If someone is taller than you............stand on something so you can punch them! lol thats an inside joke so if you don't get sorry.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1305
Reviews 170
Hey!
First I would like to point out you need punctuation. Its hard to understand with out it. I also think you should get rid "you're" and actually right you are. It would read better.

When you're around
Ive finally foundThis line seems thrown in to make a rhyme.
Someone who cares
But you left scars It doesn't make sense because you wrote " when you're around" Maybe try "when you were around"?
On my heart so dear So dear sounds like it should be" So dear, now I'm left in fear." Although that doesn't make sense... Why are you afraid?
Now im in fear
You, ill never get over"I will."

This poem needs a lot of work. I feel robbed like you didn't spend enough time on a potentially good poem. It doesn't make sense to be quite honest. It may be the verb tenses that you used, but some thing need to change. Work on it!
Milestiba uzvar visu, Milestiba ir upuris.



A wizard is never late. Nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
— Gandalf