Detective James Fredrickson

This is just something that came to me and so I thought I would write it down and post it on here. Please feel free to tear it apart or whatever. Mostly what I want to know is if it is any good and worth writing more of. Please comment. Oh, and the title was one I just slapped on there for this. It will more than likely change if I decide to really start writing this...


He was running. From what, he didn't know. All he knew was that if he even stopped for a breath, it would be his last.
It was so dark that he could barely see where he was going. Luckily the moon peeked out from behind the clouds to light the way for him. It revealed a dense forest only a couple of yards off.
After he had entered the woods and was a good ways into it he decided that he had to stop to catch his breath. As he leaned his arm on the closest tree he heard a twig snap somewhere very close by, and he knew that he had to continue.
As he proceeded to go deeper and deeper into the woods it grew darker and darker. The density of the trees became so great that all traces of light from the moon vanished and he couldn't even see his hand in front of his face, but he knew he still couldn't stop. He stumbled on, running over tree roots and almost tripping a few times, but surprisingly never did he hit a tree.
The pain grew in his sides until he couldn't handle it anymore. When he finally decided he had to stop the moon suddenly lit up the land around him. He noticed he was no longer in a forest, and that it wasn't tree roots he had been tripping on but actually dead bodies.
He freaked out and started running again, feeling the bones of the bodies cracking beneath his bare feet. He closed his eyes, hoping that if he didn't see that they were dead bodies he would just forget. Suddenly a falling sensation had come over him. He opened his eyes to see a cliff ledge just out of reach. He grasped at the sides of the cliff, hoping to grab something, but there was nothing. He relaxed his body and just prepared for the impact. On the way down his foot hit something that was jutting out of the cliff side that sent his body spinning in midair.
As he continued to fall and spin he listened to the wind blowing past his ears. It was loud. And it seemed to grow louder and louder until finally his ears seemed to ring. He sensed the ground was close. Only a few more seconds and then...
He shot up in his bed and inhaled sharply, expecting to feel the pain of hitting the ground. He was sweating heavily, but at least he was safe. He sat in his bed and took a few seconds to calm down and focus. He still heard the ringing. He looked over to his side table and noticed that the ringing was coming from his phone. He reached over and picked it up. "Hello?" he asked, his mind still racing from the dream. He glanced over at his clock and noticed it was only one in the morning.
"I need you to get down to 1507 Saffom Street. It isn't pretty," came back a voice that he knew all too well, Chief of Police Aaron Junsat.
"Sir, you know that I am taking time off. I can't even go on my morning jog without taking my gun with me now. You were even the one that suggested I could use some time away."
"I know. But you are going to want this one." And with that the Chief hung up.

A very suspensful beginning! Especially the part with the dead bodies and the last sentence. The only sentence that I did not like was "He freaked out". Perhaps another, less deliberate term could be used to keep the seriousness in that section. To answer your question, yes, you definately should expand on this idea, of coarse, if you like the idea enough. Thats really what it all comes down to. It's a great piece of writing! Keep it up!

Hey!

This isn't bad for something that you 'just had to write down.'

I do have a couple of suggestions -

Luckily the moon peeked out from behind the clouds to light the way for him. It revealed a dense forest only a couple of yards off.

I think this would be even better if you joined the two sentences together. E.g -

'Luckily the moon peeked out from behind the clouds to light the way for him, revealing a dense forest only a couple of yards off.'

It makes the whole thing flow better.

was a good ways into

'ways' should be 'way'

into it he decided that he had to stop to catch his breath.

Comma after 'it'

As he proceeded to go deeper and deeper into the woods it grew darker and darker.

I don't know if you really need 'to go' The sentence works better without them.

but surprisingly never did he hit a tree.

This reads awkwardly. I'd try -

'but surprisingly he never hit a tree.'

When he finally decided he had to stop the moon suddenly lit up the land around him.

I'm not 100% but I think you need a comma after 'stop'

He freaked out and started running again, feeling the bones of the bodies cracking beneath his bare feet. He closed his eyes, hoping that if he didn't see that they were dead bodies he would just forget. Suddenly a falling sensation had come over him. He opened his eyes to see a cliff ledge just out of reach.

You should start a new paragraph after 'forget'

hoping to grab something,

I think you need 'on to' after 'grab'

'hoping to grab on to something,'

came back a voice that he knew all too well, Chief of Police Aaron Junsat.

The part of the sentence after the comma seems a bit in your face. Maybe try changing the comma to a full stop and writing something like -

'came back a voice that he knew all too well. He winced at the sound of Chief of Police Aaron Junsat's voice.'

2. Overall impression -

He grasped at the sides of the cliff, hoping to grab something, but there was nothing. He relaxed his body and just prepared for the impact.

Okay, I know this is a dream, but I think you need to add in some emotion here. At the moment, he just seems to give up and prepare himself to hit the ground. Is he scared? Does he scream out? Is his heart crashing into his ribs with the terror of knowing he's about to die? Even thought it's only a dream, it'll give depth to your character. The reader doesn't know it's a dream until near the end - at the moment it all reads a bit emotionlessly.
I also want to know why he gives up so easily. Has something happened in his life to make him want to give up and not fight back. I get the impression here -

"Sir, you know that I am taking time off. I can't even go on my morning jog without taking my gun with me now. You were even the one that suggested I could use some time away."

that something has happened to make him more wary. I'm intrigued to find out what it is

I think you should carry on with this. I'd like to know why the Chief of Police thinks the MC will want the case. You have a good idea here and it would be a shame to waste it!

I hope I've helped!

xDudettex