Untitled

Hi everyone! While looking through my work, I stumbled upon this poem i origionally wrote about a year ago a an attempt at writing a song in the style of John Lennon and Paul McCartney. I rewrote it, and as tongue-in-cheeck as it is, its half-decent, so here it goes.

If we were to talk a while
You'd be sure to know
That all I want is to see you smile
And for it not to show
That I think about you everywhere I go

People told me who you are
And you tell me who you'll be
You and I would go so far
I hope someday you'll see
That you mean just about everything to me

How could I ever convince you
That I am better than you ever could have thought I was?
And now through all this time I've missed you
I've twisted and turned and spat out all my pride and love because

When I think back on my sorrows
That are not too far away
I jsut hope that tomorrow
Won't be like yesterday
And for happiness and finding love I pray

Reading the first verse at least it kinda resembled a Jack Johnson song...maybe that was just the tune I was putting to it, though. Anyway, it was good. It doesn't sound finished, though. Do you have more? I don't normally read the lyrics, so this was interesting. It doesn't sound like the typical verse-chorus-verse-chorus thing and I think it works pretty well.

I really liked this. I agree with charcoalspacewolfman though; it does sound unfinnished. Oh and you might wanna get some punctuation in there too. Apart from that it was really good

322sivart wrote:Hi everyone! While looking through my work, I stumbled upon this poem i origionally wrote about a year ago a an attempt at writing a song in the style of John Lennon and Paul McCartney. I rewrote it, and as tongue-in-cheeck as it is, its half-decent, so here it goes.

If we were to talk a while
You'd be sure to know
That all I want is to see you smile
And for it not to show
That I think about you everywhere I go

that was my favourite part

keep up the songwriting

~ Tinkem

If we were to talk a whileGood start
You'd be sure to know
That all I want is to see you smile
And for it not to show
That I think about you everywhere I goMy favorite paragraph

People told me who you are
And you tell me who you'll be
You and I would go so far
I hope someday you'll see
That you mean just about everything to meJust about is not necessary over here.

How could I ever convince you
That I am better than you ever could have thought I was?Too long.
And now through all this time I've missed you
I've twisted and turned and spat out all my pride and love becauseAgain a long line. Long lines make the rhythm bad. So try using shorter substitutes.

When I think back on my sorrows
That are not too far away
I jsut hope that tomorrowI guess you meant just.
Won't be like yesterday
And for happiness and finding love I pray

I liked this piece a lot. You better post it under lyrics. And while submitted your work pay attention on the spelling mistakes.
Keep up the great work.

it was okay. not very descriptive though.

I loved it... I sang it... and I loved loved loved loved it!!!! Keep writing!!!!!

If we were to talk a while,
You'd be sure to know
That all I want is to see you smile,
And for it not to show
That I think about you everywhere I go.

People told me who you are
And you tell me who you'll be.
You and I would go so far,
I hope someday you'll see
That you mean just about everything to me.

How could I ever convince you
That I am better than you ever could have thought I was?
And now through all this time I've missed you
I've twisted and turned and spat out all my pride and love because

When I think back on my sorrows
That are not too far away,
I just hope that tomorrow
Won't be like yesterday.
And for happiness and finding love I pray

I came to think that in poetry, and other literary works in general, a good beginning and a strong ending is what matters in the end. They're the most important parts, I believe. And the most beautiful lines in your poem (from my point of view) are the first four lines, and the last two. I love the rhyme in the first stanza, as well as in the last one, it is catchy. I would be curious, if turned this into a song, how would it sound.

It was so optimistic
My favourite part would be:

writerwithacause wrote:That all I want is to see you smile,

lovely

Hi!
I regrett not reading it sooner, it was wonderful and I enjoyed reading it!

If we were to talk a while
You'd be sure to know
That all I want is to see you smile
And for it not to show
That I think about you everywhere I golove this first paragraph, hooking from the start
People told me who you are
And you tell me who you'll be
You and I would go so far
I hope someday you'll see
That you mean just about everything to meawww, sweet
How could I ever convince you
That I am better than you ever could have thought I was?very nice
And now through all this time I've missed you
I've twisted and turned and spat out all my pride and love because
When I think back on my sorrowsThat are not too far away
I jsut j u s t hope that tomorrow
Won't be like yesterday
And for happiness and finding love I praylove this last paragraph, brilliant and creative

It was perfect from the begining to the end. You did an amazing job and I loved every word!
Thanks for posting this lovely peice of work