I roamed my eyes around while lying back slowly until my head touched the pillow. A lamppost, which partially lightens up the room with a faint orange glow, stood in a corner to my right.[I'm going to stop you there since you seem to be having some trouble with your tenses. You're writing in past tense so every verb should be in past tense. If you read through your work and find one that's out of place like lightens, nine times out of ten you should change it. 'A lamp, which partially lit the room...' would work fine.]
Next to it were two wooden doors – like wardrobe doors because of their flowery designs.[A better way of phrasing this would be to get your description in first and then your simile. Something like: 'Next to it were two wooden doors with a floral design running bottom to top, like wardrobe doors.' It makes for a smoother read.]
It's starting to get a bit too soppy but that could just be me. I'm not a big one for big speeches on how they miss their parents and how they love their parents. At least not if it doesn't involve some more down to Earth stuff, a little bit of bad in with the good to keep the realism sharp. Also, you're telling us a lot instead of describing and showing and it isn't really necessary information. It's enough for us to know she's been kid-napped without you recounting how it happened.
All I knew was when I was brought here, lack of food and sleep (one can never naturally sleep when one knows that one’s life is at stake) had caused me to feel as if I’d been here for an eternity. I’d felt like going insane – like an animal caged in darkness to be driven out mad.[ I'd suggest using you instead of one as it's more colloquial and fits the character better. She doesn't intellectual enough, or old, so it just sounds odd.]
It was familiar. If I wasn’t mistaken, he was the man who had kicked me constantly back in the previous roomI’d been. This was the first time I saw him clearly. He wore no shirt, which didn’t matter much because his body was covered with tattoos.
He looked down at me, I looked up at him. He snickered. “This is her?” he asked the man beside him, more of a statement of unbelief though than a question. He knelt on one knee and rested his arm on his thigh. “Say,” he told me, moving his face closer to mine so that I could smell hisbreathebreath, which smelled of smoke and alcoholic drink, “are you OK [This is why chat speak should be banned... the work is okay. If you're writing out dialogue or writing it out at all really, it should be okay,]?”
“Eat,” he said sarcastically. [How can you say that sarcastically? It's the wrong choice of adverb. Pick another.] “Eat, or Dong here” — he pointed at the man behind him, who in turn childishly waved the handgun above him — “will make the gun go ‘bang!’”
“Good girl!” he exclaimed, patting my head. He stood up and bent over. “Now you wait here as I fetch Andy. I’m gonnaliveleave you two alone so you can play.” He clapped once, and laughed. The other man laughed with him, and the room was filled with manly roars.
I'm not sure how I like the change from Andy to you. I think what you need to do is anywhere he's spoken of outside of dialogue, call him you. Even that very first time. If the guys are calling him Andy, your reader will understand without the awkward shift in perspective.
I'm wondering what Andy's motives are. He needs a little more fleshing out so that we can understand who he is, what's going on, how he got involved with this group. You also need to work on the characters of the police. I've met some bad ones in my time but even the rude, obnoxious ones follow the procedures. They'd at least start taking her details, right from the beginning, and say they'd check the case out later.
slapped his hand away. “Even if you’re wearing that uniform,” I furiously said, [Stop doing this. I know it seems a little dull writing I said 'insert adverb' but that's the way it goes. Don't reverse syntax, okay?] hugging myself as I remembered how awful my attire was, “you remind me exactly of them.” He backed up and never stepped any closer to me until my parents arrived.
Why is everyone using this annoying 'no? People do not all have the same dialect and you can't give something as unusual as that to more than one character. Choose one of them, the reporter or the attourney and have the other speak differently. This scene's also a little bland. You could convey the same information in a much shorter, more effective way.
Alright so all filled in on who Andy is/ was now which has been done pretty nicely but I still think you need a few more hints earlier on, just to give us something to like about him, something to know about him. It was also perk the reader's curiosity as to the rest of the story.
I've left some of the spelling and grammar because it would take forever if I commented on everything, but make sure you have another really careful read through. That should help you catch the other mistakes.
Very nicely written ending and that brings me to the close of my review. I don't really have anything to add. I think you started well with some good descriptions and some good atmosphere building. You lot it in the middle for a while there and it got a little bland and informative but by the end you picked it up again. So my suggestions to you would be to work on the middle section and also to up the realism factor here. For example, when she goes to view the bodies, make a point of her parents being present and there being a really firm procedure of consent. Since she's a minor, there'd be an awful lot of forms to fill out and they'd be very slow and cautious, reminding her that she doesn't have to do it at every point. Then there's the 'dungeon' setting. It would feel more believable if you changed that to a dark basement or something since they are actually in a house and most houses don't come with dungeons or dungeon like rooms.
Well I hope you found this at least a little helpful,
Heather xxx
xD)
And you are so right about the shirt! And yes! Yay Channel 7! And Jessica HAS a squeaky high-pitched voice! And those typos are so funny, like the live, haunting, and one. 
Thank you so much, dude. 
