Human behind the wall

note: I took inspiration from Pink Floyd's The Wall, though very loosely. I wrote this in less than five minutes. I'm very meticulous with word choice, so unless a word just fails miserably and you have a better one, don't bother (it took me five minutes to write, but that's the initial run through, I edit and analyze for days/weeks/months/maybe a year). I would much rather hear people's impressions and how well they think a general message was conveyed. Did it make sense to you or did it not. Why or why not.



Thanks. I hope it proves entertaining for everyone.

MeanMrMustard wrote:five box cutters,
two centerfolds,
one fax machine,
nine pieces of tape, Nice four opening lines.
I'm counting all pieces
It took for me to be happy
and finally alienate; This sounds like an unfinished thought. Though I like the word "alienate," all I can think after reading this line is, Alienate what?
I hear there's a place between
sanity
and waste I think it sounds better this way.
a place found in the wall, Great.
that alienates all; Okay, now "alienate" just sounds weird. You just said it recently. Never overuse words like this.
If you haven't guessed, Not sure if I like this line or not.
I'm leaving you behind,
Because you're part of the reason
I'm losing my mind;
Three supermen. Um, how about "superhumans?" "Supermen" is like plural "Superman" and is pretty distracting.
(all God)
Eight Elders.
(protocols)
Four horsemen. Technically, "horsemen" does rhyme with "supermen," but it sounds like a strange rhyme, like how "string" and "unstring" rhyme. Only because they have the same suffix.

That's incredible! I love it. The emotion was well-established, and I especially would like to applaud the ending. I like how it kind of relates back to the beginning.

-Kafka

Hullooo Mister Mustard Man, I'm Hope, and here to review!
I've never really listened to The Wall, and don't really know the meaning behind it, but it's got some groovy disco riffs so I like it. I'm going to just put my thoughts on the poem without the knowledge of the song.

So I really liked this a lot actually. The flow I thought was wonderful, I could feel it so easily reading it. I'm really not a fan of rhyming poetry unless it's done really well, but I think you did a great job with this. One little edit is really the only thing I have to add.

a place found in the wall,
that alienates us all;

Personally I think it helps it flow there just a liiittle bit better, but it's up to you.

Anyway good job, keep it up!

~Hope

Thank you Kafka and Bondgirl.

Kafka- I'm not happy with the double usage of alienate, but I'm stuck on what else goes there without breaking the character of the flow.
edit: I think the second usage of alienate should become change or changes. Something like that.

Bondgirl- I didn't know if I liked us there and decided against it, but with you suggestion, I think it is better that way. Just that revision reads better.

Thank you both!