The Thrid Story Window

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It was a sunny day, not a cloud in sight and all that jazz. Someone was playing piano inside the plantation, filling the large house with its sweet sound. A small girl played with blocks on her bedroom floor, humming along with the music. The smell of honeysuckle floated in through the open window.
While she was playing, the girl failed to notice the white birds on her powder blue wallpaper. The one closest to the window blinked its eyes, waking up from its sleep. It stretched its wings, stiff. It had never seen this room before; but, then again, waking up in an unusual place wasn't unknown to the paper bird. It had done it many times before.
“Marie!” the little girl's mother called from down below. Gathering herself off the wooden floor, Marie picked up her favorite doll off her bed and skipped out of the room. She slammed the door behind her, which caused a large boom! to reverberate off the walls, drowning out the sound of the piano.
At last, the bird thought, pealing itself off the wall. Chirping in delight, it swooped out the window, hoping not to get caught like the last time. The spring wind carried it higher and higher, the sun's beams heating its back. As the thin, white bird lost its balance and was pushed higher into the air, its wing caught on a tree branch, tearing it in half. The sad, limp body sank to the ground, lifeless.
Meanwhile, the small girl returned to her room, hoping to return to her toys. When the door creaked open, she jumped inside. Screaming, she whipped her hands around her head in protection as the identical birds fluttered around, fighting to get out the window. By the time her mother reached her room, all the paper monsters had flown the coup, meeting the same fate as their leader.
It all began when someone left the window open.
Last edited by UCntCMee on Wed Feb 09, 2011 9:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.
It was your world, Baby, and I just slipped in it.




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A very nice story to go with the Harris Burdick picture. There is fantasic imagery, especially in the beginning, that gives a perfect picture, of...well, the picture. I understand that this is intended to be a short passage, but perhaps a larger plot would be good to keep the flow. This is a great example of narration and you should keep up this great form of story telling!
"Imagination is more important than knowledge" -Albert Einstien




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Hey! Here to review!

Alright, so I did think that this piece had a lot of imagery and I could really picture what was going on in my head. Well done! I also thought that you've varied your sentence legths and that you've paragraphed it well.

However, there were a few sentences which stood out to me and a few things I did not understand.
It was a sunny day, not a cloud in sight and all the that jazz.

See, I don't really like this first line because it's really, really cliche. You hear it all the time, so try and spruce it up a bit or something.
Someone was playing piano inside the plantation,

Wait a moment, isn't a plantation a place where crops are grown for sale? How can they be playing piano on it then?
Gathering herself offfrom the wooden floor,


I guess my main concern is the fact that there is a lot of showing and not telling. Remember, to show and not tell try and use these four tips:
-Use sensory language (Five senses, not just sight)
-Be specific, not vague
-Use dialogue
-Be descriptive

Overall, I did enjoy reading this and I like the whole story behind it. Like, the "All of this because the window was left open." I think that it was a very cute idea, carry on writing!
~Tamara :smt001 x
Someone told me there's a girl out there, with love in her eyes and flowers, in her hair.



You can, you should, and if you’re brave enough to start, you will.
— Stephen King