Valkyrie Chapter 1 ( No longer a part of novel)

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This is no longer part of my novel, just an old draft![/center]


[center]Valkyrie

Chapter 1 : Where am I ?


It was raining. A cold winter’s day. The world was a dreary monochrome painting. Everything seemed dull and drab. It was as If someone had poured gray ink all over my once colorful world. All I could hear was mind-numbing pitter-patter of rain shelling the car's rusty frame and the squeak of the windscreen wipers going up and down, up and down.
It was freezing, the heating only fogging up the windscreen turning it a lifeless shade of gray. Not like there was anything to see. Only disused cargo containers and derelict warehouses, which loomed over a narrow gravel road like colossal tomb stones, old metal monuments to better times gone by.

I sat in the front seat, cold, numb and tired. My small gloved clad hands pressed against the car’s crappy heater. I wanted coffee, a hot fatty breakfast, not old stinky cars and disgusting protein shakes. “Where are we going? Why are we here? How long it will take?” He looked at me for a second. His features strong, perhaps even handsome, rang of old bitter memories and his icy blue eyes where stern and serious. I watched his hands, strong and sturdy, gripped tight against the steering wheel. He didn’t answer, instead tossing me a long gray cloak. I gingerly put it on trying to navigate my body though the tight seat belt. It was damp and smelt like beer. I watched him. I could see the bags under his eyes, his crow’s feet and frown lines his face as dark and dreary as the world around us.

He had been out all last night, only to come back and drink a whole six pack. I poked him with a finger sending a little raw energy up as a sign of my unconditional love. He grimaced. The pain shooting up his arm setting his nerves on fire. “You’re improving,” he growled, rubbing his arm indignantly.Sounding angry like he always did. “There is something I want you to see,” he said bluntly his icy eyes avoiding mine. “But, I don’t want …” I wined like the little girl I was. His fist slammed against the steering wheel in a sudden fit of anger. I groaned as inertia span my guts around. The car twisted, the gravel flying up into the air, pushed up by the Holden’s tires. “Just shut up okay. Just shut up. The sound of your stupid voice makes me want to kill my self. I’ll explain this all later.”

“This place is a dump. Why the hell are we here?” I said staring out of the window trying to spot something strange or out of the ordinary but I saw nothing but gray sheen of metal. “This god forsaken place is a magic hot spot, the vampires keep some of their blood and weaponry stockpile here but most of these ware-houses belong to black mages; Drayman and co, Scholomance. Even the Sihde own property here,” I looked at him in utter disbelief, I repeat again. This place was a dump. What the hell were we doing here? Driving in though blocks full of buildings owned by crazy mages, vampires, power hungry Fey and magic mafia. “But what if the council raided this place and we were still here?”I asked worried. He just sniggered, mouth twisting into an apathetic little smile. “They wouldn’t dare. The council can deal with serial killers and necromancers but not card holding black mages with legitimate companies not to mention rich son of bitch vampires.”
“I though Vampires were okay?” I asked, confused. He shrugged, eyes still on the road. “There’s a civil war. The clans are fighting over leadership and the old tyrant is dead, killed by his own nephew. That idiot of an exiled Prince also apparently has a little Damphir daughter, the only heir to the throne. But the old farts don’t seem to give a fuck.” He said, clearly forgetting that he hadn’t taught me anything about vampires yet. I nodded, pretending that I understood. Trying not to piss him off, again…

The five minutes past. “So why are we here again?” I asked. He didn’t smile, I could see him grip the wheel tighter. “I got a tip from a friend there is one warehouse that has been home to an active black magic coven, most likely stupid meddling idiotic teenagers who thought they where powerful enough to take on the big guns. We’re here too…investigate,” he said eyes still on the road. “So we are here to scare off some black mages?” “No Val, like I said before, they’re most likely to be just a bunch of kids.” I nodded, unconvinced, he was lying I could always tell. Anything to do with black magic made me nervous. It bought back bad memories. He watched my face drop and laughed half halfheartedly at my expense, mocking me. We pulled up next to a large warehouse. I looked at it thorough the foggy window glass, it was an over sized tin shed; a horrible steely gray blemished with spots of rust. I felt my stomach churn. It looked like an abattoir and I felt like a sheep.

Thanks for reading! Your opinion will be greatly appreciated and yes there are many spelling and grammar mistakes I apologize in advance, I often have trouble picking out problems in my own work. It would also be great if you could give me your opinion on the length as this is not the full chapter. Thanks again.
Last edited by Jennya on Wed Sep 21, 2011 5:06 am, edited 6 times in total.
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In the first three lines alone, you're being rather redundant. And in that... fourth sentence, I=if. Windshield wipers go "back and forth, back and forth". It makes more sense. "[a] narrow gravel road". I would like to apologize for all the nit-picky-ness in the first few sentences alone, but I can't help but notice these things. When so many errors occur so often in the beginning, one can't help but believe you're being a bit... lazy? For lack of a better word. If you do edit this, I would love to read it again!

~Panda;;
Southern hospitality just ain't what it used to be...

...Ain't what it used to be...




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I agree with PandaAiKorai with the first sentences. You should perhaps re-write them in a better manner. Oh, and myabe only use ONE "back and forth" just a suggestion.
Then you used the word gray in my opinion too often in this short piece. I caught a couple errors"Driving in though should be "through"
“I though should be "thought" Vampires were okay?” I asked, confused. He shrugged, eyes still on the road."

Oh, and maybe when you are describing him you could mention his name, because for the whole piece he's just him. Anyway that's all I got for this piece. I love him and his negative attitude in general. I really enjoyed it, though, and would love to be kept posted when you add more!




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Well done, you give just enough hints about a mysterious world of magic to draw the reader in. The dynamic between the girl and the man is well portrayed, but you could explain what there exact relationship is. Is he her father? Also exactly how old is she? I'm a bit confused, in some parts she seems very young, but in others very mature. You could also give a discription of the girl, right now we know what the man looks like but the girl is a blank slate. Even though she's the protaganist.

You described the world very well, and the girls emotions are strong and understandable. It's very easy to relate to her, which is one of the hardest things a writer needs to do. Make believable characters the reader can relate to. You're very good at this.

Don't worry so much about spelling and grammar, I have the same problem myself. I really liked this, it's a good beginning and I would like to read more. PM me the next time you post an update.
DANCE- Like no-one is watching
LOVE- Like you've never been hurt
SING- Like no-one is listening
LIVE- Like it's heaven on earth.

Please read and review my novel. The title is Fireborn. Here's the link.

novel.php?id=1157




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You've done very well in painting the scenery for the readers as well as setting up the man's character, I like how mysterious this man is. You also do a very good job drawing readers in, which is key. But like it has been said before me, the protagonist needs to be more consistent in the beginning. Is she a helpless little girl or is she a little girl who has the maturity and knowledge of an adult or is she a teenager? Also there is two spelling errors that I can see....
the first one is
Only disused cargo containers and derelict warehouses

Disused isn't a word but unused is.
secondly
“I though Vampires were okay?”

You just need to add a 't' at the end of thought

Very intriguing story, good luck!
Fantasy is the stuff dreams are made of.... but so is ice cream YUMMY!

Dragon really do exist, you just look in all the wrong places!




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Hey Jennya, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

I watched his hands, strong and sturdy, gripped tight against the steering wheel.


Gripped tight against sounds... odd.

a sign of my unconditional love.


It's not anything big, only I wasn't getting this vibe before.

The sound of your stupid voice makes me want to kill my self. I’ll explain this all later.”


Myself. Also. Why the ridiculously sudden outburst?

Even the Sihde own property here,”


So, I'm going to be my freaky Irish-speaking self and say that, as far as I'm aware, it's "sidhe."

Alright.

II. OVERALL

I just have a few things to say. Firstly- start a new line whenever a new speaker says something in dialogue. Simple. Secondly, I'm really enjoying this premise, but you're giving us back story with no real punch to start us off. And thirdly, the protagonist could use some beefing up, even at as early a stage as this. But overall, I really do like it. If you're posting more, can you tell me?

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




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You really have a musical sound which I can hear it through your words. Please can you just post some of the chapters to take a clear picture of your plot.

Thanks again.
I like your manner a lot.



I am always saying "Glad to've met you" to somebody I'm not at all glad I met. If you want to stay alive, you have to say that stuff, though.
— Holden Caulfield