What I Am

They ask me what I am.

If I’m a he or a she, a him or a her
Or just some kind of freak caught
In between with no way out.
They don’t understand
My pain when they ask me
What I am with their lips sneered
And their fangs bared
And they don’t want to,
So when I try to answer them
And tell them what I am
They plug their ears
And keep on playing
The same stupid game.

They ask me what my parents are like.

If my momma was too cracked up on drugs
To give birth to a normal kid and
Accidentally ended up having a freak instead
While my daddy was in and out of jail
For crimes he said he didn’t commit.
They don’t understand my pain
When stories about my slut of a mother
And my loser of a father
And my family’s shame
That is only topped
By their disappointment of a child
Spread like wildfire,
While I sit in a corner trying not to cry
Because I know the words they’re saying just
Aren’t nice.
So as the stories keep circling around and around
I plug my ears and they keep on saying
The same stupid things.

They ask me where I came from.

If I was born in some ditch
In the middle of nowhere
Surrounded by cutters, and killers, and drop-outs,
Oh my,
And if my momma almost popped me
Back in when she saw that her boy
Was also a girl,
And if I’m so used to people pointing
And laughing that I embrace it like the child
My mother wanted but didn’t get.
But when I ignore them
They point and laugh and ask
If my boobs touch the wall
Before my head does
And why I never use the bathroom at school
Even though they know
It’s because I know they’re watching
To see which one I go into.
They ask why I even bother living
When all I am is a disgusting slob
Whose own body doesn’t even know
Where to grow and where not to grow.
Every day they say the same stupid things.

But what they never ask me is if I’m happy.

They don’t know that every day
I go outside and stand on my roof
Waiting for the courage to jump
Only to crawl back inside
Crying like a little baby.

They don’t know that every day
I stare at myself in the mirror
Trying to find at least one
Damn thing I like,
Only to Start
Pulling at my hair
And yanking at my clothes,
All the while asking, “Why?”

They don’t know that every day
I stand for two hours
In front of my closet
Trying to figure out
What the hell I’m supposed to wear,
Only to pull everything out
In a frenzy of rage
With tears, tears, and more tears
Pouring down my face.

They don’t know that my momma’s
Taken me to so many doctors
That we lost count
And that my daddy
Can barely look me in the eyes
Without running away like
A scared little boy,
When all I wanna do is
Crawl into momma’s lap
And have daddy hold my hand
And tell me I’m loved
And forgiven
And fine just the way I am.

They don’t know that I am
Waiting and waiting for the day
That I can smile and say with pride
That I love myself,
Without so much as a blanket of doubt
Or a drop of insecurity,
And that I am waiting and waiting
For the day when I can run
Into the arms of someone
Who not only accepts me
But loves me for everything I am
And everything I’m not
And that I am waiting for the day
When my parents will look at me,
Not with embarrassment and pity
In their eyes,
But pride and support,
And that I’m waiting for the day
When I won’t be so goddamn tired
All the time,
Tired from fighting
And crying and falling and dreaming,
And that I’m waiting for the day
When I can walk up
To a complete stranger
And say with absolute confidence;
“Hi, I’m Taylor.”

Because that’s what I am
After all.

Taylor.

**

Just about the third or so poem I've ever written. Please by kind...though I do greatly appreciate tips! It's supposed to read like a progressively angry rant sort of thing.

This was good; very powerful.

If you don't mind, I'm going to do a more stylistic/conceptual review than anything else.
So, your line breaks are extremely distracting and make the piece very choppy. Now, I'm a bit bias when it comes to this subject, because I like my lines nice and long, but in my opinion, it's better aesthetically, rhythmically, and helps the reader focus on the words.

You might also consider being more concise. You have a whole lot of repetition, and the imagery and the power really don't start coming out until later in the piece. I would shorten out the parts that aren't as important, add in some imagery towards the beginning to make it stronger, and overall, even it out. The style in the beginning and end felt different to me.

If you have any questions or anything, please feel free to ask. Good job!

-Coral-

Hello, Flow here and I will be your reviewer for the evening.

Ok, so I agree with Perse on this one. I do think this poem was very powerful. It gripped me in. This is an amazing feat on your part because I have a short attention span, so the fact that I didn't turn away in the middle was amazing.

I do feel that your line breaks are very awkward. I think there should be more. I also think some description would be nice as well.

I like how you made it feel like a rant, but you weren't tied up and just you know going on and on. I felt that there is connection and a point as well as it being a rant. You have a strong talent my dear.

If you have any questions feel free to pm me or write on my wall!

-Flow-

Wow. Just.. wow.
This poem is deep and gripping. How you potray your thoughts and feelings makes it seem as if Im actually there.
I like how this poem flows, and your choice of words.

Its a bit depressing, but still sounds like your looking for hope. Great job. (:

I agree, this was powerful and gripping. The odd, short line breaks threw me off somewhat, making it harder to read...and a little more imagery and description wouldn't be amiss. Anyway...is the person supposed to be a hermaphrodite? Or what?

Hi there,

I agree with those above me. This is powerful and so full of emotion, but the format in which it is presented distacts from that. Changing that would help alot, but it is good. It makes you feel sorry for them and want them to be happy. no matter who you are... happiness should be something you don't have to spend your life searching for. People are cruel and never truly know what their remarks do. Until they have walked in another's shoes...

Anyway, good job.

wow good job honey.
as everybody else stated the line breaks could use a little work, but other then that i think it was incredible.
it made me feel sufficiently depressed and made me think about how i treat people. but it also has a ray of hope at the end and i loved that.

wonderful job!

Hey,
This is an amazing poem. Really heartfelt and unique.
I've never read anything quite like it. I thoroughly enjoyed reading every word.
You have serious talent. I can't put how good this is into words.
Me? I'm not great at poetry. The only thing that I have wrote that is half decent is
Inspiration where'd you go?
And that doesn't compare to this. Mine was just literally for fun. Your is skilled and bursting with talent. Its amazing.

Your structure was good, nice and clear. Simple to read and figure out your rythme. I enjoyed how you let one sentence run over a couple of new lines. That was interesting. I have only come across that a couple of times.

The general idea of the poem was brilliant and so true. Being different is a horrible esperiance. You don't feel loved or welcome. You got that across extremely well in the poem which is quite something. I mean sometimes you can write something full of description and imagery but then.. no one understand what your getting at. I did. Completely. I was moved by every word. They were all so powerful.

Your ending was genius. I nearly cried. It was so gorgeous. Awesome. I cannot think of anymore words. It was so obvious in a way. Everyone is who they are. Yet, the way you said it seemed so crystal clear in an original way.

I hope your proud of this. Its amazing and you truely have talent.
Ill nominate you for a badge. This is amazing.
A very happy reader,
Kaka xo

Another 'Like'

Welcome to YWS! This was a powerful and gripping poem. And you got your message across in a great way. You could improve the way your lines are but that is my only criticism.

Kitty

So because I don't usually like (read: almost always hate) poetry, and because today is a very unusual day, I'll go ahead and review this.

Many people are commenting on your line breaks... I wish I could say something about that, but again, poetry really isn't my thing.

You mentioned that it was supposed to read like a progressively angry rant... If that's what you were aiming for, you missed the mark by a foot or so. I felt as though the amount of pain in the poem increased at the perfect rate, getting stronger and stronger until a very profound ending where we see that the power doesn't truly belong to the pain; instead, the narrator's hope is the source of the strength we see. That was just my interpretation. I couldn't read this and see the narrator as bitter or accusative or having other traits that are typically associated with anger. Perhaps you refrained from including these sort of feelings to make the narrator more likable - but again, it's hard to see them as angry. It may not have been what you were trying to do, but it makes for (what I see as) an even more powerful story.

Your insights are powerful and well placed. For example, 

And why I never use the bathroom at school
Even though they know
It’s because I know they’re watching
To see which one I go into.

has a certain realism that makes this poem all the more painful and all the more real.

A small comment: I have a friend named Taylor who wrote a poem in a similar style... If she ever lets me type it up, I'll post it on one of your stories or email it or something.

Back to the poem. Which was a good choice - to write it as a poem, I mean.

I've said this about one of your works before - you are able to establish an amazing connection with the reader, even though I absolutely cannot relate with the narrator. I give you huge props for that.

Amazing poem. Wrenching, powerful, emotional, beautiful... I think you're very proficient in several types of writing, and I hope you pursue a writing career. I really, really do.

I enjoyed this poem. It had everything a poem should have. It had imagery. It had strong emotion, and was solid all through out. The length fit the theme, and the delivery was very very strong. Also, many people can related to the theme, "Who am I?" because is reality many of us do not. It takes years to figure that out, and this poem highlights that journey, and pain in the process perfectly. Great job. Keep writing.

Wow. This was really good, and it sent a very powerful message. I really don't have any complaints or comments otherwise, because there weren't any grammatical errors I could see, it was filled with emotion, and the flow was good. So, great job!

Hello there! I haven't read the other reviews so my apologies if I repeat anything. I shall also apologise for being here at all since it means I found your poem less perfect than your story But, anyway! Here's a few line-by-line comments first:

They ask me what I am. [Strong first line, very good. I also like that it's seperated from the next.]

My pain when they ask me
What I am with their lips sneered
And their fangs bared
And they don’t want to, [I've picked this section out because it's particularly prosey. The story going on behind the words is good but poetically, it's lacking in flow and tone. You might want to consider using some poetic techniques such as alliteration or plosives, or adding in some imagery.]

The same stupid game. [I'd like to see this phrased in a more powerful way.]

They don’t understand my pain [You've used this once already, or a similar line at least. Maybe something more visual would be better here or describe pain in a way that we can understand it better. Or even just a more interesting way of saying pain. What is pain to your persona? This is a real bad example because I'm tired, but even 'They don't understand the knife in my chest' would be better, more relateable than the word 'pain'.]

Formatting

It isn't necessary to capitalise every first letter of each line. This is usually reserved for traditional poetry such as sonnets and doesn't fit well with modern poetry. Instead, you should only capitalise as you would in prose and , occasionally, for extra effect. For example, if you wanted to give added importance to 'He' or draw attention to a certain word.

Overall

Alright so I did really love this. I think you have a great way with words and you you know how to draw a reader in and feed them the story without losing their attention. It worked better as prose though. This is good, don't get me wrong, but it reads like prose and just splitting prose into shorter lines doesn't really make poetry. You need to work on getting those line breaks just right and throwing in a few clever ones (like when you end a line on the word falling and then leave it without any punctuation to create enjambement so that your format reflects your words). Despite this though, it was still a great read.

The poem's good and it did hold my attention. However, it would be more powerful if you made it a little more concise and tightened up the rhythm in those lines, added some concrete imagery for your reader to picture and improved the tone by using alliteration and plosives. You've got a good base and for an early poem, this is crazily good.

Well I hope this helps a little,

Heather xxx