McDonald's

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Afternoon sunlight streams in through tall windows, illuminating the bright colors of plastic tubes and spheres: Pink, green, blue, and purple. A curved magenta slide burps giggling children out of the varicolored maze of plastic and Plexiglas. Children, everywhere - shoving small tennis shoes in yellow cubbies against the walls; shrieking with laughter as their stockinged feet chase each other across the blue mat on the floor; squabbling over the slide.

Four children clamber into the jungle of tubes. The youngest, a blue-eyed, flaxen-haired snippet of five, flattens her nose against a porthole in the first green sphere she comes to. She waves violently at a dark-haired woman below.

“Mama, look!” Her voice is muffled by the Plexiglas.

The woman looks up and finds her daughter’s purple t-shirt, easily recognized by the Disney image of Hugo’s Esmeralda smiling from the front of it. Giving a tired smile, the woman waves back, a worn-out, three-dimensional version of the figure on the t-shirt.

She notices a pale pink sock on the floor beside her booth and sighs. Kaylie lost a sock before she even left the table.

Crumpled white wrappers with burger grease still shining and two fry cups, one red cardboard, one white paper, linger on the table. The yellow M on each of the fry cups looks like a distant bird in a painting. A plastic toy wrapper lies between them, torn and empty because the miniature polar bear that recently inhabited it is in Kaylie’s small hand, exploring the playscape. Made in China, the bag proclaims. Everything is made in China now.

She checks her cell phone. Nearly four o’clock. She sighs again. He should’ve been here half an hour ago. She piles the garbage onto the brown plastic tray before her, walks it to the nearest trash receptacle, and returns to her seat to stare at the one tall, white drink cup that remains on the table, peppered with the restaurant’s slogan in various languages. One, because they share. Kaylie always insists on filling the cup herself. Her mother sips dutifully at the mixture of orange pop, Coca Cola, and pink lemonade that her daughter has concocted this time.

It is at this moment that a shadow dims her table. A man stands over her, tall, with flaxen hair and blue eyes like Kaylie’s. He gives a small smile. She does not.

“Sorry I’m late,” he says.

“You always were,” she replies. “Have a seat.”

He slides into the seat across from her and folds his hands on the tabletop, gazing at her, waiting. She stares out at the children on the playscape, her head propped on a fist. Her daughter chases a little boy across the floor. The man prompts, “You wanted to see me?”

After a moment, she asks, “Did you ever want to have kids, Jeff?”

His eyebrows go up, but he considers.

“I guess so. I never really thought about it.”

She falls silent again. He asks, “Why?”

She points out Kaylie, with her jeans and purple Esmeralda t-shirt, with her one bare and one pink-socked foot, with her flaxen hair curling at her ears the same way his does.

“That one’s yours,” she says.
Last edited by BluesClues on Fri Feb 04, 2011 1:16 am, edited 2 times in total.




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Cool!

How do you have the time to write so much? How do you get all those ideas?? Oh wait, I know, you don't study medicine and you're talented, that's what it was. :)

Just one little thing (Muahahaha, I found a mistake!!)

white drink cup the remains on the table,


"the" should be "that"

Other than that, I got nothing, though I would love to know more about this mother. Then again, it's a good short story that leaves room to imagine the story behind it. It would make a good novel though, at least I think so.




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Hey!

Like Lemikita, I loved this too :)

Your writing is brilliant and I'm jealous that you're always posting new and interesting stories on here - I'd love to be able to write short stories that are actually good, at the rate that you do :)

So, I only found one thing -

Sunlight streams in tall windows,


I'd add 'through' after 'in' so it reads -

'Sunlight streams in through tall windows,'

I think you described the scene brilliantly - I could imagine myself there with them. Surrounded by screaming, excited children and the smell of fast food. I'm actually a little hungry now :P

It's a short story, so you don't have to go into detail about why the mum is only now telling the man that he's Kaylie's dad, but part of me wants to know a little more background to this story.

Great job as always!

Thanks for the read :)

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.




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Hey oh! I come bringing a review!

Children shove small tennis shoes in yellow cubbies against the wall, shriek with laughter as their stockinged feet chase each other across the blue mat on the floor, squabble over the slide.

I get what you're going for here, that sort of "thought followed by another thought, all sort of different endings to the same sentence" thing, but it's just not working for me here. Perhaps semi-colons instead of commas? I'm not sure, but as it stands, I keep reading it as a run-on sentence and it drives me up the wall.

The youngest, a blue-eyed, flaxen-haired snippet of five, flattens her nose against a porthole in the first green sphere she comes to and waves violently at a dark-haired woman below.

Super-long here. Maybe break it into two sentences? Maybe something like:
The youngest, a blue-eyed, flaxen-haired snippet of five, pauses at the the porthole in the first green sphere she comes to. She flattens her nose against the porthole and waves violently at a dark-haired woman below.


The yellow "M" on each


I liked this a lot. The way the woman was so weary and the kid was so exuberant was wonderful.

The description did seem to drag a little. I know the piece was an exercise in setting, but when you added the story in, it began to bog it down a little. I wasn't quite sure what mood it was going for. In the beginning, it felt almost like it was glorifying McDonald's, looking at the playground the way a kid would, like a cathedral of brightly colored awesome. But then when we got to see the mother, it switched to rather gross, like the rest of us see McDonald's. This would have been fine if we'd been in the kid's point of view before, but we weren't. We were sort of in a nebulous third person and then were suddenly cemented on the mom. It was a little jarring and the way the description mood changed without warning was a bit disorienting. I wasn't sure how I was supposed to feel about anything anymore.

I did like this piece though. The descriptions were nice and the way you tied together things like the t-shirt and the mother and the father/daughter hair was pretty cool. Thumbs up from me!

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.




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Noooo! Dudette ruined it for me. I thought she was giving away Kaylie :( Now I get that you alluded to that he didn't know Kaylie was his by the similar hair and eyes... ah well. (I still wish she'd been giving her away).

------------------

I wanted to give an incredibly long review, but I have not much to say because this was rather okay. Instead, I'll just pass some comments.

I didn't expect this to be any good. I didn't want it to be. I wanted you to crash on your face. Perhaps so I could review... perhaps because I just figured it would have been right. But you nailed it. At first I though this was going to be a colourfest, but it was more than that. So often we forget the little things that give a room atmosphere. Your little experiment has highlighted one of them for me: shape. Too often it seems we describe everything as 2-D, either that or just give the definition of the shape as is given by a dictionary. But you managed to incorporate the shapes. You involved almost all our senses there...

Sunlight streams in tall windows, illuminating the bright colors of plastic tubes and sphere


Touch: Plastic - the feel of.
Hearing - Plastic - the sound of sliding down
Smell/Taste - Not that much, as it barely seems there's a smell to the plastic, but somehow I still feel you included it.
Sight - The bright colours... and not the word sunlight or the descriptions of the window. In fact, that wasn't all that awesome.

You said the windows were tall... meaning they reached high up. Now, I've been to restaurants similar to McDonald's but barely ever been inside a McDonalds. If it's anything how I imagine it, the windows aren't as tall as they are big/wide/huge. Tall means that the ceiling is high and I don't really get that. If it is... meh. Yes, I understand that because of the slides the ceiling might need to be bigger, but I don't think your description of the windows was necessary.

The sunlight, worse so. Why did you give this to us? How did it affect the atmosphere. The factors involved in sunlight are numerous, and you could have explored them more. For example... what time was it?

Nonetheless, I loved your descriptions of the kids playing. You used singular, simple images to construct the care-free ness of the scene.

And in the greater picture, I hardly remember you using the word giggles, which is awesome so well done.

Sorry for the weak reviews, but nonetheless this was an awesome story.

Thanks for the great read,
TheNewHero.



Love is not an emotion. Love is a promise.
— 12th Doctor