Here There Be Dragons - 4

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I don't like this part that much. I'm trying to figure out a way I can chop it up and give it more...spark. It just feels too bland and boring, though there are some important and necessary tidbits in there. Meh, you guys know what to do -- tear it to bits and tell me what you think. I'm open to suggestions. Thanks in advance for any reviews! :D

Quick recap: Jot the dragon and Chance the boy have just set off on the start of their journey.

Here There Be Dragons

Chapter Three

Chance was seventeen years old, as I had guessed (we dragons are good at estimating humans’ ages; it’s often a little game we’ll play when bored). He was still smooth-shaven, gangly, and clumsy, though, and it was very interesting to observe his lanky body in contrast to his personality.
If left to his own devices without any infirm old fathers or fiefs to run or a sister to save, perhaps he would have been an amiable, carefree youth skipping around the fields instead of the haggard, stern young man striding beside me now. His eyes were most noticeable; even though they made him seem forever staring in shock at something, they were also tired, sad, and wise beyond their years.
“How old’s your sister, then?” I asked, trying to draw him into some kind of friendly conversation.
“She is fifteen,” he replied seriously. “She turns sixteen in four months.”
“Lovely. And she hasn’t been married off yet?”
Chance shook his head. “There have been none worthy of her hand in marriage.” His voice tightened a bit, and I dropped the subject.
“What about you? Anything worth noting? Any lady-loves of yours, or dreams of knighthood?”
“By rights, I inherit my father’s lands,” he said, a bit dully. “And the rank of knight is automatically bestowed upon me at my coming of age.”
“That’s lucky!” I said encouragingly. “Don’t have to go through the whole rigmarole of questing to become a knight. You’re one of those types who just sit there and get it handed to you all nicely polished, whether you deserve it or not.”
“Yes,” he said dryly. “That’s one way of looking at it.”
“And what about ladies?” I added innocently. Any sort of glimpse into the life of the boy I was accompanying would be welcome.
He cast me a glance that would have normally been considered scathing, but with his eyes turned out to look more like a dazed frown.
“That’d be a no, then,” I remarked. He continued on impassively, and I shuffled after him. If he didn’t want to talk, then fine, I wouldn’t force him. Instead, I’d try to think of something besides eating him, because my stomach was beginning to growl. I looked side to side, keeping an eye out for any movement or sign of meat.
The whole countryside of the Westerfold was in the peak of its health and bloom; flowers dotted the terrain and the grass waved in the light breeze. It was a lovely day, just the sort I’d have been rampaging around on.
There—I sensed it at the same moment that my eyes caught the motion. A hare, big and swift and just perfect for an appetizer. I sprang forward, brushing past the boy with inches to spare, and one claw snagged the hare’s haunch as it tried to dash off. Within moments I had swallowed it and hacked back up the bits of fur and bones.
As I turned back, I saw the boy regarding me with an alarmed look, accentuated by his bulging eyeballs.
“Warn me next time,” he said, raising a hand to his pale cheek. I noticed a faint score of red across his face.
“Whoops, was that from me? Sorry, didn’t mean to.”
He sighed. “I wish you weren’t quite so big.” He started off again and I fell in beside him.
“Well I wish you weren’t quite so scrawny. But we can’t have a perfect life now, can we?”
“What am I going to do with you at the villages?” he wondered aloud.
I stayed quiet. A couple of solutions had presented themselves to me a while ago, but I preferred to see what he’d come up with before suggesting them. After all, this was his idea. I was just along for the steel.
He cast me a shrewd look that I didn’t care for and said slowly, “You have powers, don’t you?”
“Depends,” I replied evasively. “What did you have in mind?”
He hesitated. “There have been stories—”
“A dependable source of information!”
“—from creditable knights who are not known for exaggeration,” he looked at me pointedly, “and they told us facts from their encounters with dragons that the dragons could alter the hue of their scales to refract light in such a manner as to render them—the dragons, that is—almost invisible.”
“Fascinating!”
He stared intently at me. “Is this true?”
I yawned, flicking my forked tongue out. “Can’t say.”
Ever so subtly, I began to bend my scales—not quite literally bend them, but change their angles minutely so that they were, indeed, reflecting the light in a different manner. Chance, little idiot, only noticed my gradual disappearance after I was almost completely gone from view. Then he let out a shrill yelp.
“Jot!”
“Yesss?”
“Y-you-I-d-…” He was speechless for a while, and I snapped back to sight in an instant.
“About time you noticed!”
“So it’s true,” he finally managed to breathe. “You can turn invisible!”
“Or close enough.”
“This could make things easier,” he said, half to himself. He turned large eyes on me with an excited gleam in them. “Can you do anything else like that?”
“Perhaps,” I said airily. “You never can tell with dragons.”
“Well can you?” he asked with a hint of impatience.
I fixed him with a warning eye, and he subsided. “We’ll see,” was all I said.
We traveled for the rest of the short afternoon in mutual silence; he was either too shy or too occupied to speak, and I had nothing of importance to say to him.
By eventide, I was getting a bit tired. I mean, come on, I had been shuffling along for miles at the boy’s pace; my muscles were cramped and my paw pads were sore. So it was a welcome relief when we came upon a town.
Chance and I stood atop the crest of the small hill, hidden by a few scraggly trees. I sighed at the sight; such a cozy little village, nestled snugly in a nice gathering of trees, with high walls and a minimum of guards. I could easily set it ablaze and chase or devour all the inhabitants in a night. In fact, I was sorely tempted to try it, but Chance’s presence kept me from doing so.
“Well?” I said expectantly, nudging the boy with my tail’s side. It nearly knocked him over, so preoccupied was he with his thoughts. He shot me a disgusted look.
“Don’t shove me like that,” he said petulantly.
“Temper, temper!” I admonished.
He ignored me and turned back to the town, frowning. “I would avoid it, save for the fact that I need supplies, and this is the closest I’m going to get for a while.”
“So go get it. I’ll wait for you here.”
“No.” He now turned to me, his large blue orbs regarding me steadily. “What if something happens and I need to depart swiftly? You won’t know. I can’t communicate long-distance with you.”
“So what do you suggest?”
“I’d say turn invisible, but I know that you’d flatten everyone in the street by just blundering your way through.”
“This is true,” I mused.
“I wish you were smaller,” he sighed.
“How much smaller?” I asked, inspecting a claw.
“Oh, small enough that you could fit inside my pack or something.” He gave a short bark of laughter. “As if that would do any good.”
I continued testing my claws, watching proudly as they glinted in the setting sun’s rays. Chance was still talking, mostly to himself, and I politely coughed.
He glanced over—then did a double-take, stared at the ground, and gaped. I blinked up at him. “What’s your problem? Staring at someone’s rude, you know.”
“Y-you-”
(I’ll save you from the usual blubbering and stuttering that left his mouth. All of it amounted to the following):
“You can change size?”
“It would appear so.”
“Bu-but that’s perfect!”
“I rather thought so myself.” I was the size of a small cat, easily able to fit in his pack.
“Brilliant!”
“Thank you. Now, let’s get a move on before it gets too late, eh?”
“Right! Absolutely!” He seemed to recollect himself and scrambled with taking off the straps, setting it on the ground and opening the flap. I jumped in; he let out a cry.
“Squishy,” I commented, looking down into the dark recesses of the leather bag.
“That’s my food,” he whined, extracting a flattened loaf of bread and two ruined pears.
“Really? Why would you want to eat that? Looks awful.”
Chance sat back on his heels and sighed. “Don’t ruin anything else while you’re in there. And keep still; people are going to notice a moving pack.”
“And on your part, don’t bang me around, don’t suffocate me, and don’t forget about me for the first pretty face you see.”
He let out a mumbled protest and closed the flap; I was submerged in darkness, and waited while he hefted the bag onto his back.
“This won’t do,” I muttered, and poked my snout up through the little opening between the flap and the rest of the pack. Now I had a nice view from slightly behind and over his right shoulder, and could whisper comfortably in his ear if I wanted.
“Don’t do that when we’re there,” Chance said, starting to walk down the hill.
“We’re not there yet,” I replied, looking around with interest. “So, this is what it’s like for you humans? Funny; you’re awfully short. And slow.”
“Compared to dragons, any creature is,” he replied impatiently.
“Not when it comes to unicorns. You should see them run. Especially when they’re mad. They come at you with that horn of theirs, and you’ve only got a short time to move. And then those slinky little weasel-like things—can’t remember what they’re called. The ones that sneak into your beds at night and bite a finger or toe off?”
“Deevlicks?”
“That’s it. Those are pretty quick; though I caught one once. Tasted awful, like stale meat.”
“I don’t want to know about this.”
“Well, too late.”
“Shush. We’re here.”
His long, lanky legs had covered the terrain fairly quickly, despite my comments on his pace, and we were at the town’s gates; I accordingly changed my scales so I was near-invisible, and hunkered a little lower down into the pack.
I needn’t have worried; there was only one guard at the gate, and after giving Chance a once-over, he nodded the boy through without a second glance.
“That was easy,” I observed softly, peeking up a little.
“Sh!” was the response. “I’m going to find an inn.”
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Hello Daughter!

First here :D

I must say, I have no idea what it is you dislike so much. I thought it was a great chapter, with trickling of information, great dialogue and pace. I wasn't bored with it, I still love Jot's tone and Chance is definitely growing on me.

I might like to have a better idea of the layout of the land: I couldn't picture where they were walking. I could maybe imagine a barren wasteland, but where was the hare when he caught it? In bushes or something? And couldn't he have smelled it before?

And that is it! Sorry I wasn't more help, but I loved this.

Beau travail, ma fille!

Mum.




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I understand why you don't like the part of the story. I don't like writing stuff like this, with a lot of dialogue and nothing really going on. You want to get some information across, but aren't sure if it's in the right way.
Don't worry, it's a perfectly fine chapter for the reader, maybe not as fun as the first few when there was more internal monologue by Jot, but still, really good.

Here are a few things I noted, though overall, it was really good, precise and had a nice flow. (I won't mention that grammar, punctuation, and spelling were perfect. :) )

The whole countryside of the Westerfold was in the peak of its health and bloom; flowers dotted the terrain and the grass waved in the light breeze. It was a lovely day, just the sort I’d have been rampaging around on.


This seems a bit off, like it doesn't really belong there. Right before you're talking of Jot thinking about something to eat and right after he catches the hare. Maybe you could work the description of the countryside in while there talking, or maybe when Jot is thinking. He probably knows the area a bit, so he could maybe describe it by remembering some instant that happened there...

“Warn me next time,” he said, raising a hand to his pale cheek. I noticed a faint score of red across his face.
“Whoops, was that from me? Sorry, didn’t mean to.”


This also. It's just a bit too much and also it doesn't quite fit. I feel like it's just a bit off. It doesn't really go with Jot's character, at least it feels like that.

I sighed at the sight; such a cozy little village, nestled snugly in a nice gathering of trees, with high walls and a minimum of guards.


I would put a dot there. I don't think it's a problem for the first sentence to be a bit short, but if it's just one sentence it feels too long.

“What’s your problem? Staring at someone’s rude, you know.”


Hm... I guess I can't really say why this felt weird. I'd probably write it a bit shorter, maybe leave the second sentence out.
But that was one of the minor things, it's up to you of course.

“I’m going to find an inn.”


I would have loved the chapter to end with a final "Sh!", just because it shows how annoying that Dragon can be (which seems like it could be a constant source of amusement for the reader in the future). It's not that important for us to know that he's going to go look for an inn. It's not a very heroic end of the chapter, like "I'm going in (that very scary looking dangerous cave)".

Overall, great structure, you gave us the necessary information without it being too boring and you got us nicely through the chapter and moved the story forward.

Thanks for the read! Really looking forward to the next chapter!




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Jot and Chance seem to be developing a love-hate relationship. Or somewhat along those lines. At any rate, I loved this chapter just as I enjoyed the others! I hope you progress further in the next one, maybe spice it up somehow? I know you won't let us down on that one! Turning invisible and getting smaller? Never imagined that as an ability for dragons. I like how you veer from the traditional, adding so much originality. It's refreshing! Keep going, Hawk!

~Panda;;
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Hey Katie!

Thanks for the heads-up! Despite what you might think about the "boringness" of the chapter, I really liked it! It gets tiring sometimes to me when every chapter is action packed, and I like to be able to take a mental breath every once in a while. This was a very nice way of letting me breathe. I especially like the little camaraderie that Jot and Chance have going on. It's not too Eragon/Saphira-ish, but it's just the right amount of jibe and flow. It's nice. The info drops you do in the dialogue also flow well. Haha, unicorns and Deevlicks? I think it was? Anyway, it's always great to get a bit more background on the world and how things happen there.
Overall, I thought it was a great chapter. I'm sorry I can't give you any more criticism. It's just not coming today. :)

Happy Writing!
Bailey
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all the Butterflies
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Hey Ranger! Another good installment. I like the relationship that's developing between Jot and Chance. It seems very realistic, despite the fact that one of the characters is a dragon.

“A dependable source of information!”


A description of how Jot says this might be helpful. Right now, I can't tell if he's being sarcastic, or if he's amused, or a combination of the two.
“What’s your problem? Staring at someone’s rude, you know.”


This dialogue seems way too modern. It's like throwing "kidding" or "yeah" into the middle of the story. It just doesn't fit. After all, the chapter before they were talking very formally. You can't go from that to "what's your problem."

Sadly, I have to agree with you. This chapter is a little bland. Not much really happens. They're walking along, they talk about really nothing in particular, Jot eats a hare, and they arrive at a town. Not the most exciting segment. A little more conflict would spice it up. It can't be easy to just walk down the road with a dragon. Wouldn't there be other travelers that they'd have to avoid? Or maybe you could give us a little more information about Chance. There's a lot of dialogue, but we don't really learn anything that we couldn't have guessed or inferred before. It might add a little to the story if they talked more about Chance's sister. There's clearly something odd going on between the two, and I wish Jot hadn't dropped the subject quite so soon. If Chance really is trying to hide something about the sister, some more dialogue that shows his evasiveness more clearly might help keep the readers interested. Just some suggestions. :)

Other than that, the only other problem I see is a lack of description. The whole chapter is mostly just dialogue. While that's not necessarily a bad thing, I'm having a hard time visualizing the landscape and what the characters are doing. I can't even tell if they were walking down a road, or just plowing across the landscape.

Overall, though, not bad. It's not the most thrilling chapter so far, but it's still very well written. Jot cracks me up, and Chance is starting to get interesting, too. Let me know when you have the next chapter posted!

Magnus
“Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass.” Anton Chekhov




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Hi RH! Thanks for the PM and sorry I'm so late to this.

Okay, I have to say I have a problem with the way the dragon's powers were introduced. Yes, it's a lovely, convenient little idea, but its downfall is that Jot's powers feel a little too convenient. To me as a reader, even though I know you wouldn't have done this, it feels as though you've just realised the problems Jot and Chance will face in the village and have created these powers as a way to dispel the inconvenience. They were too suddenly revealed. To me it felt as though you had just made them up on the spot. Could you have not hinted at them earlier? Say, when Jot was trying to intimidate Chance why not have him grow to twice his size? Why not make him turn invisible and creep up on Chance? Reveal to the readers that Jot can do this stuff and has always done these things. I don’t know, am I being forgetful and you have already covered that? It just felt like Jot had these powers all of a sudden, both of which make their lives so much easier. I’m evil. :twisted: I want to see the characters suffer, to have to have them struggle to overcome difficulties thrown in their path. It makes it so much more worthwhile when they do overcome their problems. I also can’t shake the feeling that maybe Jot can do more stuff and we have no clue. That when it comes to the climax of your story, Jot will defeat the wizard by using some convenient power we never knew he had. I know you wouldn’t do that to us, but I can’t help being wary of what else Jot has up his sleeve (if he has one).
Which leads to my second point: would Jot be so happy revealing his powers to Chance? A kid he’s known for all of five minutes? Shouldn’t he be a little more guarded? You’ve already pointed out a few times that knights are after dragons and that local villagers want to pay Jot back after burning down their village (accidentally). Shouldn’t Jot be a little more suspicious that Chance may be leading him into a trap? If I was, I certainly wouldn’t be revealing all my secret powers so happily.

Sigh. I’m so sorry to get bogged down in all the negative stuff. I just go on for ages when I get started… -_-' I did enjoy reading this. As much as it looks like I didn’t. (Sorry ‘bout that.) Their dialogue (as usual) was very good and funny. I’m glad they’re on the move, and I’m looking forward to the hilarities of Jot being in the inn.

...And then those slinky little weasel-like things—can’t remember what they’re called. The ones that sneak into your beds at night and bite a finger or toe off?”
“Deevlicks?”
“That’s it. Those are pretty quick; though I caught one once. Tasted awful, like stale meat.”
“I don’t want to know about this.”
“Well, too late.”

Easily one of my favourite bits. C:

Well, that's all. Please PM me for the next one even though this review was mean! ):
Your = Possession. Your shoes are so sweet!
You're = Omission. You're quite strange...

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Hey RH! Seems I'm gonna like this piece; it's been featured already. Goes to show you, all four of your chapters have been featured 8)

On to reviewing.

Okey dockey. I can see why you don't like this chappy too much; it's just dialogue that leads to the important scene, basically a transition chapter. I don't think anybody likes those, not that they're bad, but we just like the other ones better ;)

I don't have much to say about the chapter. I don't have any nit-picks, and I don't have anything bad to say. It was a good chappy, despite having lesser humour than the other three.
And that's all folks :)
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Hey, sorry Ranger...I'm a little late.
First, this part isn't one to be ashamed of. Not even close. You did what was needed--get out quite a bit of information. I found it very entertaining--the knight, who is very serious, and Jot the dragon who is very humorous and has a rather playful side. It looks like they're gonna be great friends, with two polar opposites balancing the other out.
Second, your pacing was very good! I wouldn't have the patience AT ALL to do this slowly.
And third--I really don't think anything needs changing in this! It was wonderful. The only thing I would add is some weakness for Jot so he's just a step below invincible.

PM me more:)

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Hey there, Hawk!

I'm really loving this story so far! I haven't found anything wrong that really jumps out at me yet.

That being said, I did remember something when Jot so conveniently changed sizes...

I’m not the biggest dragon out there, I’ll admit, but I do have quite a few centuries’ growth on my bones, and it was impressive enough to a youth who had certainly never set eyes on a beast such as myself.

That's from part two, in case you forgot. Anywho, it just seems kind of odd to me that Jot would mention this when he can change sizes so easily. From reading part five, it appears as if it isn't very taxing on Jot to remain small. Maybe it's different for getting bigger? Or perhaps he can't increase his size at all? Anyway, that was just a brief thought.

Keep up the great work!
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Ok so...sorry, I just couldn't resist putting in a little review. I am totally your number one follower. Your work is so unique, so original, so different. It's amazingly refreshing to read something like this. Jot has abbssolluutellyy no problems at all (what I'd give to be like him) and there is such a positive outlook on life. I just love it. As Emma Jane mentioned though, their powers are...TOO convenient. Challenges have to be met, there can't be a solution to everything. As a writer, you have to understand that apart from magic, there are still those huge, pesky problems that have to be met. Perhaps not even solved and something awful happens. Well, that's the only criticism I can offer. Thanks for such a brilliant read, Palip :).




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Ha! I'm back. *feels like Click and Clack and hopes you know who Click and Clack are*

I would go on about how much I'm enjoying this novel, but seeing as I've already done that like six times today, and especially considering you're going to be reading all my reviews at once (ish) and I want to keep from boring you with repetition, and considering this sentence is getting extremely long and I'm not sure why I'm making it longer, I'll not do my usual "this is great" paragraph. Just know that I really do like this, and if all I write is criticism that's not because all I can think of is criticism. It's just that the praise is going to be pretty much the same from chapter to chapter.

Anyhow. I've rambled enough. This chapter has a lot of information in it, and some of it isn't given as eloquently as I think it could be. You do a lot of info-dumping through dialogue, which makes sense under this situation (because you have two characters who know next to nothing about each other and don't really have anything to do except ask each other questions), but it does end up coming off as a little cheap. It also gets a wee bit tiring when you repeat the format of having one character ask a question that leads the other character to virtually info-dump about them-self. I'd suggest you switch this up a bit.

Firstly, I'd suggest considering how much of the information is actually necessary. For example, maybe rather than having Chance say "I've heard that dragons can make themselves invisible, is that true?" and then having Jot prove it true, what if Chance didn't learn about this handy trait of dragons until just in the nick of time at some point? Jot could go invisible at some later point in the novel, in order to get them from a sticky situation, or (better yet) to annoy Chance. Actually, since they have to pass the time somehow, what if at some point along their walk, Jot goes invisible when Chance isn't looking and gets him all worked up and worried before appearing again?

Hm, I'm getting carried away. You don't have to take this individual suggestion, of course, but just think about how much you actually have to tell us now and how much you can let us learn along the way. And also think about how much of it needs to be communicated through dialogue.

I also found the whole size-changing thing a little... predictable. Chance was saying the whole time how he wishes Jot was smaller and then... look at that! He's smaller! It felt a bit too perfect to me. Maybe make Chance just be wondering how he's going to hide Jot, rather than explicitly wishing he was smaller? But maybe I'm just being nit-picky.

All be back for the next part.



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