beginging

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I dug my toes deeper into the sand. Maybe I could hide under the cool earth forever and I would vanish, my troubles would vanish too. The waves of the soft water smoothed over my feet as if trying to comfort me. Everything would be lost in the pleasure of nature. Just then the creature in my arms babbled something loudly and smacked me in the face with its chubby little hand. My arms tightened around the small body of the baby and for a split second I couldn’t remember why I was dealing with it in the first place. I set it down before I could crush it. Startled, it fell over face first with a splash. She sat up and looked at me as if she we’re holding her breath. I stared at it. Her mouth opened and her dark eyes filled with hurt tears. Still no sound came out.
“BREATHE!” I finally yelled and she broke out in a long wail, red face, bulging veins, the whole tamale. Goodness this baby was a parasite! Always needing attention, never letting me think strait for half a second! She looked up at me and an unexplainable wave of shame remorse came over me and I helplessly plopped down next to her. The tiny thing crawled over to me and climbed into my crossed legs. I debated about holding her; I didn’t want her getting used to this. So we both sat their looking out over the endless ocean. I felt so small. Would I be able to escape with this baby on my back? Would I be able to get away at all? I felt her warm cheek on my leg and I knew she was asleep. Time for bed I mumbled to the air as I laid my back against the soft grains of the beach. I wouldn’t cry tonight, I was done remembering, done looking back. We could only move forward from here. And that was exactly what I intended to do.




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It is magnificently written, if you wanted to know, so I would certainly not worry about that. In a sense, this passage reminds me of the film "Raising Arizona" and it could spawn into an interesting story. The imagery is wonderful, it paints the perfect picture in my mind. Keep writing!

-J.C.
"Imagination is more important than knowledge" -Albert Einstien




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Hey there! I'm Hope and I'll be reviewing you this fine morning! =D

First thing is your title, I'm guessing you meant it to be "Beginning"? Just hit the nifty little 'edit' button on the top right of your post and you can go through and fix all the little things you need to after you read through your reviews. :D

I dug my toes deeper into the sand. Maybe I could hide under the cool earth forever and I would vanish, my troubles would vanish too. The waves of the soft water smoothed over my feet as if trying to comfort me. Everything would be lost in the pleasure of nature.
Good imagery, wonderful way to start out your story, it really draws me in.

Just then the creature in my arms babbled something loudly and smacked me in the face with its chubby little hand. My arms tightened around the small body of the baby and for a split second I couldn’t remember why I was dealing with it in the first place.
Why is She/He dealing with the baby in the first place? The thing is you really don't explain much of anything, I'm not even sure of the narrator's gender. Add some more detail in por favor/

I set it down before I could crush it. Startled, it fell over face first with a splash.
So wait, were they standing and dropped the baby? Or just set her down roughly?

“BREATHE!” I finally yelled and she broke out in a long wail, red face, bulging veins, the whole tamale.
I actually had to google tamale because I had no idea what you meant by it. I think it's a little odd sounding, and I'd change it, but that's up to you.

Always needing attention, never letting me think straight for half a second!


The ending got really interesting for me, I really hope you plan on continuing this. I'd really like to read their back story and what happens to them. But right now it's late and I'm so tired so I think I'm going to just leave it at that. PM me if you decide to write more and would like me to review it!

Good luck, and keep writing!

~Hope
"I'd rather be hated for being who I am, then loved for who I'm not."



Your hesitation suggests you are trying to protect my feelings. However, since I have none, I would prefer you to be honest. An artist's growth depends upon accurate feedback.
— LCDR Data