Nalakaya; Heirress of Hell

Nalakaya; Heirress Heiress of Hell

I could feel there their eyes on me, staring daggers at me. [This reads a little bit awkwardly] There their whispers had followed me ever since I had entered the city. Trying to ignore them, I slipped into the pub, my destination. Walking up to the bar, I beckonded the tender over. Lifting my cloak, I looked him in the eyes. [Take a look at the three previous sentences. Each one starts with a verb. I'd use a bit more variety] Recognition filled his cloudy face, followed by terror. Muttering mostly to himself, he led me to a door near the back of the pub. [If I was terrified of someone, I wouldn't be muttering. I'd be cowering quietly in a corner] Bowing low, he suffled shuffledto the side, and let me pass. Closing the door tightly behind me, as so not to be heard, I heard a deep voice reverberate from the darkness.

"Yes, now I see the rumors are true...and how are you, Nalakaya?" Sitting down across from him, I pulled my cloak off my shoulders. [I'm noticing that you're using a very predictable sentence format. You really like to start your sentences with a verb. Try mixing it up a little bit, otherwise your prose might get stale]

"Hello Raul. How good to see you agian again." I replied. He nodded, and spun his chair around to face me.

"To what do I owe this....unexpected pleasure?" He asked me, avoiding my eyes. [If he's avoiding her eyes, why'd he spin around in the first place?] I looked at him, asking if he really wanted to know, and he nodded. So I began.

"Well, as you know, [Take a look at this article. Try to avoid "as you know", and use a more elegant way of telling the reader background information] I was exiled not to long ago. They gave me one condition to be allowed back into the palace: I must find the Cum'de'Rae, According to legend, the Cum'de'Rae was lost years ago by an Egyptian princess [Years ago? I'm assuming that this is taking place in a modern time. Egypt didn't have princesses since about three thousand years ago]. No one has seen it sin-"

"What exactly is the Cum'de'Rae?" asked Raul, interupting interrupting me. I glared at him, as being interupted interrupted was not something I tolerated kindly.

"The Cum'de'Rae is a small golden bracelet. it is said to bring ultimate power to the beholder. The power is said to be that of the pessomistic spirits [Did you mean "pessimistic"? If so, I don't think this word means what you think it means. The expression "pessimistic spirits" is making me think of a bunch of spirits whining about the economy or writing angry blog posts about how Obama will never cut the taxes]. Evil power, but great power none the less." He nodded, his greasy black hair framing his pudgy face. I started agian againfrom where I left off. "I believe the bracelet is in North America, [How did it get from North Africa to That is why i I have come here. I need to organize a search party of sorts, and a way there. What do you say, Raul?"

He looked up at his name, his eyes filled with worry and indecision. "W-well you s-see, M'aam, heling t-the Exilian Princess can be very d-dangerous...' [Whoa, this is a bit sudden. A second ago he was cool and in control, now he's stuttering. I'm finding it difficult to buy into the character] he stuttered nerviously nervously. Standing up, I shouldered my cloak and responded,

"I understand, old friend.." i opened the door and turned around to leave. Hearing him sigh in relief, I said, "One last thing, Raul."

"Anything, Princess." I flicked my wrist, and in a puff of purple smoke, Raul lay dead in his chair. [What the...?]

I closed the door softly, and slipped through the almost desserted desertedpub to the exit. Staying in the shadows, i found an abandoned sheck shack, in where I could hide for the time being. Making sure no one was watching me, I opened the door and hurried in. I locked the door with a little difficulty, as the lock was old and rusted, and breathed a sigh of exhaustion. I turned around to explore and find a place to sleep, and screamed in horror. The world went black, and I fell in a dead faint.

Light. Blinding, pure, light. And yet, it wasn't light. It was more of an aura. An aura of an angel...

I shook my head, trying to un-jumble my thoughts. Were the hell was I? Looking around, I found myself in a dark, dusty room, full on shadows. And I was alone. I stood up, took a step forward, and screamed bloody murder. I had been shocked, By some sort of invisible force field. I put my hand forward, and screamed as my body shook with terror. Ok, so I couldn't just walk out of here. At least, not in one piece..And then, out of the shadows, I saw something move. I whipped around, looking for the creature I had seen. I heard a low moan, like that of a person in pain, and backed up slowly. Trying not to touch the force field, which was hard seeing as I couldn't actually see it, and started to panic. I knew the punishment for coming back. For being caught, alive, I would be killed. My captor would be a hero to the civilians. If only he knew the truth.

"I do know the truth about you, Nalakaya." came the voice of a man behind me. I spun around, and stared into the darkness. Why couldn't I see him?! Agian, he said, "I know the truth about you, Nalakaya." Now I was freaked out. Was he a mind reader, or something worse? "Show yourself!" I cried,

"Show your self you coward!" but as soon as I said that, I regretted it. Stepping out of the shadows, came a horribly disfigured person, I think... His face was covered in scars, and his arm was bent at an awkward angle. But the worst part of all of it: He wasn't a mortal. His aura said that much about him.if I had learned anything in my short time at the Acadamy, it was that all different creatures have an aura. his was different though, a sort of pulsing, purple and yellow blob. Nothing I had seen before.

Agian, as if reading my thoughts, he said, "You are disgusted of me, aren't you? Scared of what I am, of why those people wanted to kill me. I can tell you if you like..." With that being said, he reached thru the field like it wasn't even there, and started to stroke my cheek. This sent a tingling shiver down my spine, and I slapped his hand away. "You shouldn't have done that, Princess!" He stepped toward me, and I backed up, into the force field. I wasn't going to scream, I wasn't going to give him the pleasure.But to not scream, I swear it would kill me. My head felt like it was going to burst, like my lungs were going to explode. Taking a deep breath, I surrendered, I slumped to the ground, furious with myself.

"Good", he said, "Now for what I want...."

He stared at me, smiling.

"Do you know what I want Nalakaya? Well, do you?" I looked at him, and shook my head. I had no clue what he was talking about. As if hit by a train, my body felt like it was broken into a million peices, and I screamed.

"I dont know what you want!! Please, stop it!!" He laughed, and more pain rippled through my body. I was scared...but also full of respect. I had learned from many that torture is a good way to get what you want.

He looked at me softly, and the torture stopped for a bit. I panted from exhaustion, and tried to stay completely still, as not to give him more reason to harm me. Laughing, he said, "I want your kingdom, heiress." As my brain registered what he said, I wanted to burst out laughing, but slap him at the same time. My kingdom? I had no kingdom, at least not anymore.

And so I told him just that. "Monsuier.." I said, worried about what would happen if I told him, "I have no kingdom. It was taken from me...taken by my own father..."

"Liar!"

Pain flew through my body, pinning me to the wall. My head threatened to burst, but I got up, and slapped him. He looked at me, and I knew I had made a mistake. He walked up to me, and placed his hand on my cheek, and I cringed. Breathing down my neck, he whispered,

"Does this bother you Nalaka? Hmmm?" I looked at him, and I wanted to scream as loud as possible. As if knowing that it wasnt ok, he said, "Well then this will annoy the hell out of you..."

The next thing I knew, his lips were on mine. Not in a possessive way, but in a weirdly sweet way. I pushed away, and slapped him as hard as possible. Turning around, I ran for the door, ignoring the electric currents washing through my bloodstream....