Thank You, Dear

so funny.
i'm laughing.
sarcasm seethes off tongue,
i hope it scalds on the way;
emotion wreathed in flame,
ruins picture-perfect day.

come break me.
destroy me.
heave me off this cliff;
see if i will shatter.
a strong guaff of misery;
see if now i'll scatter.

laugh at me.
scream at me.
come hither, my love,
ghostly daggers won't bite.
words with burst seams,
insults empty as night.

grows colder.
whatever.
i've got hate to warm me.
it's such a fuzzy feeling,
knowing fate did not
set these wounds healing.

stab me here.
i dare thee.
what are you waiting for?
my last wound is still fresh,
the slash new and gaping;
twist the blade in this mesh.

looky here.
i am dead.
are you happy, content now?
no salt stains my red cheek
or my wetly grinning throat;
thank you for aiding
the weak.

First off, no, I'm not depressed. Just playing around with structure and ryhme in this one. Hope you enjoyed and do leave a comment if you would.

WaitingForLife wrote:so funny.
I'm laughing.
sarcasm seethes off tongue, Put something in front of tongue: "my," "the," a," whatever you want.
I hope it scalds on the way; On the way where? This sounds like an unfinished thought.
emotion wreathed in flame, Beautiful.
ruins picture-perfect day. I'm not sure I like this line.

come break me.
destroy me.
toss me off this cliff; Don't know about "toss."
see if I will shatter.
a strong guaff of misery;
see if now I'll scatter. Nice.

laugh at me.
scream at me.
do your worst, my love, "Do your worst" could be better.
ghostly daggers won't bite.
words with burst seams,
insults empty as night. Great stanza.

grows colder.
whatever. I don't know if I like this line.
I've got hate to warm me.
it's such a fuzzy feeling, "Fuzzy" kills the feeling you've established.
knowing fate did not
set these wounds healing. Weird way to phrase this, in my opinion.

stab me here.
I dare thee.
what are you waiting for?
my dear wound is still fresh, "Dear?"
the slash new and gaping;
twist the blade in this mesh.

looky here. Definitely a feeling-killer.
I am dead.
are you happy, content now?
no salt stains my wet cheek,
and my wetly grinning throat, Risky adjective.
thanks you for aiding How about ending the last line with a semicolon and making "thanks" just "thank?"
the weak.

This is an incredible poem. It's got atmosphere and imagery, an unbeatable combination. Good work.

-Kafka

Hey! So, I'm pretty sure Kafka pointed it all out for the corrections I would suggest.
So I'll leave you with this: Here there's nothing capitalized at all, and it's alright if you meant it to be that way --I feel it makes us feel even more small and unwanted in combination with the emotions in your writing-- But, if not, then at least the words that start a new sentece and the 'I's should be capitalized.

Other than that, it was great. I loved your choice of words, the emotion you've put into this, the rhyming pattern.. the imagery and all of that. It's short and choppy at times, which enhances the emotions even more. I really liked it
Keep on writing!

-Truth-

This was really good and I liked the use of vocabulary! It was really descriptive and beautifully written. It sounds like something a depressed person would write. But if you say you aren't...

Thanks for all the comment! ^^

I'll clean it up mostly as you suggested Kafka. The lack of capitalization is completely intentional; in fact, I had to really strain not to capitalize stuff. And yes, I really ain't depressed; I wrote this to practice making the structure enhance the emotion, and short and choppy goes well with depressing subjects. That's why.