lion&the lamb

The lion fell in love with the lamb
and so did I
Only I know who is the chosen one
lying in the lush green grass
wondering are you the one?
The one to desire, cherish, and love
Till elders we are?

Hey,

I'm sort of confused. I'm not sure whether this is a story or a prologue or anything. First of all, Welcome to YWS! Back to the story, your grammar needs a lot of work and even for a prologue, this is kind of unacceptable. You need to capitalize and use periods and commas. The first thing I thought of when I saw 'Lion and the Lamb' was Twilight and I see that you seem to be a fan by your signature. If you are writing fanfiction, please put it in the fanfiction forum.

About the story itself, the first sentence is eye-catching but the second one doesn't even make sense. I say edit this entire thing post a little more and fix up the grammar.

Grade: D

~Jas

Jasminebells pretty much mentioned everything that I might have said. The first thing I also thought of when I saw your post was twilight. I was also quite confused at what you were trying to say. You need to work on your grammar like Jasminebells said. The first line was good, but your second line could definitely use some improvement. Work on your grammar and you'll end up with something nice here.

-Cressy

Karina I reposted your poem for you and fixed it up This site is kind of strict on commas a capitalizing okay? So just try to keep errors to a small see you tomarrow Oh and you can change the GO TWILIGHT!! I put on there

What happened to lush green grass??

hmmm. not sure what this is ment to be, though i must say it is...different. explain more about what it is i guess. needs more imagery (that is if you're going to write more XD) keep it up. welcome to YWS. im Soap...pm me if you need anything whether it's advice or a review :p...forgive my typing, my keyboard is having problems...

Soap

It has great potential, as the others have said, though you might want to see if you can expand and make it a bit longer Also, you may want to consider your phrasing, because the rhythm is inconsistent. Good luck!

Its not a Twilight poem people my friend put that there (I mean my Go twilight ).

I agree, this poem is very confusing and different. It does have potential, I just think that you should make it a bit easier to understand. This poem is very short, but it holds some powerful emotion; I think the only problem is how you portrayed the emotion, you made it so hard to understand what you were trying to get at. I think that all you need to do is to narrow it down more or make it more definite. I liked this. But the grammar needed work, but that doesn't make a poem. What makes a poem, is the emotion you put into it, the description, the artwork. Per say, this was wonderful and I enjoyed reading it even though I was confused on your aspect. Keep it up.