Irvamps (Reverse Vampires) Chapter 1

I'm a Irvamp. Now, all these days, when human females see the patch that marks me as a Vampire, they run up to me and beg for me to change them.

"Vampires aren't that awesome, anyways!" I exclaim back. "All they do is romp around like princes and princesses and kill humans!"

And they shy back. Yea, I'm a freak.

Well, I go to a school Maine called 'School For Vampires', more commonly known as SFV. There, we're taught to hone our abilities. But we don't stay at school forever. We go to the human's settlements sometimes.

"Liyam? Hello?!" Cassy asks from besides me, breaking my haze.

"Oh, what? Hi." I reply. Cassy is one of the few vampires that doesn't drink blood- she 'drinks' energy. And, because of that, she's not one of the 'popular kids'. So she hangs out with me.

A scream attracts both of us. I immediately look over- someone is being attacked by a Vampire. They aren't allowed to attack humans! Maybe I can help after.

Jessica breaks away from the girl, who fainted and was slouched into a corner. She seemed bone dry- I'll see what I can do. Jessica gives Cassy a piercing glare, before passing us.

Like a Ghost, Cassy disappears. One of those Vampire things.

I run over to the girl as fast as my legs can carry me. Blood is flowing from her neck steadily. I quickly move her bronze, wavy hair out of the way and stare into her light blue eyes. She's hurt, really bad.

"Stay with me." I mumble to her. Pulling her closer to me, I slowly place my canine teeth in her wound.

I feel the blood surge from me. Unlike most beings, giving away blood feeds me. I felt energy rush into me, and I feel adrenaline coursing through my veins.

Slowly, hesitantly, I break away from her. She seems to be regaining health. But she hasn't woken yes.

"Go away! All of you!" I yell to the crowd as the girl stirs. "You haven't seen a Irvamp before?! Scram!" I demand. The mostly leave, except for a few.

"What... who..." The girl asks, waking up.

"I'm Liyam, a Irvamp. You were attacked by a Vampire. You're going to be OK." I explained.

"I'm going to be OK... I'm going to be OK..." She repeated.

"Yes, you'll be fine." I assured her.

"What should I do?"

"Well, first, we should get you to the SFV hospital. They can make you stop hurting." With that, I pulled her up, homding her against my chest. I begin to run, quickly, towards the school. Thank goodness it wasn't too far away.

Hey MC, here again for a review!

You really like the name Liyam, spelled that way, don't you?

Okay, so something I noticed is that you switched tenses through this story; for the most part, you kept to the present tense (which is always a challenge to write in, so kudos to you for taking it on!). You just want to make sure you stay consistent with it; there were a few instances where you said something "had" happened.

You also take this story very fast. Right now my head's spinning from all of the new info I've just been given and the scene that's immediately taken place. I don't have much to picture for setting, characters, or even what this Liyam is like. Slow the pace down; let us get to know Liyam and a couple of other characters gradually; show us where they are; give a little more detail; and I'm curious to know more about these Irvamps, what exactly do they do?

"All they do is romp around like princes and princesses and kill humans!"

Erm, I'm not sure what you mean by "romping around like princes and princesses." How many princesses have you seen romping? If you're trying to refer to the fact that maybe they think they "rule" everyone else, perhaps you could mention that and give a little more explanation.

Jessica breaks away from the girl, who fainted and was slouched into a corner. She seemed bone dry- I'll see what I can do. Jessica gives Cassy a piercing glare, before passing us.

Like a Ghost, Cassy disappears. One of those Vampire things.

Again, this was really quick. I have no introduction to Jessica until, boom!, this sentence, and before I can even start to get an idea of what she looks like or who she could be, she's gone. And then Cassy randomly disappears? Was it from her encounter with Jessica's glare? Was it to go deal with Jessica? Just slow it down and give me more so I can understand.

I quickly move her bronze, wavy hair out of the way and stare into her light blue eyes.

But she hasn't woken yes. *yet

So...are her eyes open unseeingly? Because I'd usually expect someone who's unconscious to have their eyes closed.

"I'm Liyam, a Irvamp.

I noticed you keep saying "a Irvamp." Is that intentional? Is there some pronunciation key I'm missing here? Because usually that'd be "an Irvamp."

Okay, so that's all I have to say. You've definitely got a good, creative start; I like this idea of vampire-opposites. Keep up the good work! (:

i noticed a couple of mistakes:

I'm Liyam, a Irvamp.

thinking that should be an not a like Ranger Hawk said

overall the story is good, though i would try to be careful that everything makes sense, that part where he's looking into her eyes then she's unconscious, its good but it would take the reader a lot of thinking to figure it out, and with the story being a little fast paced they don't really have time to do that unless they stop reading, which might take them off the story if they lose track, but again over all the story is really good and so is the plot, well done!

Hey MC! (Yes, I stole that from Rh mouahahahah)

Ok, well, I was going to mention how fast paced this is, but others have beat me to it.

I wanted to say what an interesting twist this is to things. I love how, without exactly mentioning it, you either placed Liyam in the 'loser' category, or a popular dude who's extremely generous, by saying that she's shunned, and hangs out with him. And think that's what I liked best: the subtle way you have the info. (Intentionally or not...?)

Anywho, slow it doing, you don't exactly have to say what an Irvamp is, but definitely show us the dissimilarities between them and Vamps. And are they 'out'? I mean, you say that people run to him to get bitten. So, it's a society that accepts vampires? that too, should be explained.

Great beginning, keep up the great work!

Tanya

Since everyone before me seems to have taken care of the boring, pointing-out-errors type editing, it seems like I can focus more on the plot type editing. Well, more like saying how good it is or where that itself can be improved. Either way, I get to do the fun stuff now ^_^

First thing that comes to mind when I read this: you've destroyed my vampires :/

No! I don't mean this in a bad way! It's just that in my novel, my protagonist and several soon-to-be major characters or characters that help the plot are vampires. They're both good and bad but none of them are the extreme of anything. So all I can think with this line of thought is "How would Kat react to this?" (Kat is my protagonist ^_^)

Have to say, thank you for not having vampire sparkle! Those little fairies don't deserve the vampire label.

Moving on...

The idea of a reverse sort of vampire? Awesome.

Though the idea that healing the people vampires feed on sustains them is a little sketchy. I would suggest finding a different sort of idea for this. I only say this because any living creature (defining "living" as breathing and having their own thoughts) must feed on something that gives them energy. In Liyam's case, he seems to feed on something that gives away this energy. It doesn't make a lot of sense.

And also, having vampires that feed on something other than blood is a good idea too ^_^

One last thing: Really develop Liyam's character when you're editing this. Readers want to identify with the main character and bond with them. That's difficult to do when you're not sure what kind of person, correction, Irvamp he is.

~Blood

First off I think its a good idea. But you need to go back through and revise, revise, revise.

One part that I don't seem to understand is the world that you are trying to create. Is this set in a modern like era or less modern. I think that's something you may need to work on. Also I think you need to more descriptive and describe what your MC is seeing, feeling, hearing and all of that fun stuff

"All they do is romp around like princes and princesses and kill humans!" I didn't really understand this sentence. What do you mean by Romping around? Thats another thing I think you need to be a little more specific on.

"Go away! All of you!" I yell to the crowd as the girl stirs. "You haven't seen a Irvamp before?! Scram!" I demand. The mostly leave, except for a few." Here you may want to explain what you mean by stirs, because as a reader that took me a minuet to understand what you meant. Also it seems your lacking a pronoun. The, the should be They and the leave should be left. So the sentence should say "They mostly left, except for a few."

But I think its a good concept. Keep writing!

Hi there. Let's review this thing!

I go to a school Maine

school in Maine...

With that, I pulled her up, homding her against my chest

Holding...
Oh, reverse vampires! Interesting... I'm definately willing to read more. Keep writing!