Between the Moon and Stars - 1

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The guilt was already taking over.

I closed my eyes and tried to breathe deeply, steadily, but I still shook. His blood was everywhere – on my hands, clothes, face. There was no escaping the smell or metallic taste either.

One bite.

That was all it took to kill this innocent man. One very lethal, powerful bite. I shook my head. I lost control. Again. I closed my eyes and tried to grasp my sanity. It was a struggle, but I finally gained control and when I opened my eyes, the
shaking had stopped and I felt calm and collected.

First things first, I thought. The body.

I lowered my gaze down to the dead man at my feet and winced. Ouch. This man did not die a quick, painless death and the thought only deepened my guilt and expanded my anger for the people who made me this way.

I fished my cell out of my pocket, my hands already shaking again. My phone slipped out of my fingers and landed on the man’s chest. I stared at it, horrified. It was as if it taunted me, daring me to come closer. It was making sure that I saw what I had done, what I had caused, what a horrible being I was.

Oh hush, I told myself harshly. It’s just a phone. How could it know?

Hastily, I bent down to retrieve the phone. I wasn’t sure what I was afraid of, but I watched the man’s face the entire time, to see if there were any signs of life. There was nothing, of course. Thanks to me.

As quick as my fingers would let me, I dialed Trev’s number.

“Hello?” he mumbled.

“Hey, Trev? Can you do me a favor? I – I have a body…” I said, on the verge of tears.

There was silence. I knew Trev was shocked, more shocked than I was. “Jen…” he said. “Are you alright?”

I laughed harshly. “I guess. Could you please just take care of him for me?”

He sighed. “Alright, Jen. Where are you?”

“The old warehouse on the corner of Second and May Street,” I said nervously, playing with the string on my hoodie, trying to avoid look at the man, but failing. I’m such a hopeless cause.

“Ok… You might want to leave. I’m bringing in the Hounds.”

“Trev, you can’t-”

“We have to,” he said sympathetically. “We can’t take any chances of somebody finding his body. I’ll come up with a believable story. Nobody will suspect a thing. Okay? We’ll be there in ten.”

He hung up before I could reply, leaving me feeling utterly helpless. The Hounds were horrible. I can’t believe I did this to somebody. I looked down at the man again. I wanted to say something like I’m sorry to him, but it would only make me feel awkward and wouldn’t fix anything.

Instead, I got out of there as fast I could. I slipped out through the back door and when I reached the woods, I started running, trying unsuccessfully to dodge branches and weeds. When I hit a tree face-on I decided to jog instead, but as soon as I heard barking in the distance, I decided to risk hitting another tree.
Last edited by Remrock on Tue Feb 01, 2011 9:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Play on
When you're losing the game
Play on
'Cause you're gonna make mistakes
It's always worth to sacrifice
Even when you think you're wrong
So play on
Play on"

- Carrie Underwood, "Play On"




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Remrock,

I only found a few errors here and there and I'll post them below along with solutions in red. Then we shall get to the actual review. ^_^

This man did no not dies die a quick, painless death and the thought only deepened by my guilt and expanded my anger for the people who made me this way.


Oh hush, I told myself harshly. It’s just a phone. How could it know?


I noticed that before you used italics to portray thoughts. Why didn't you do the same here?

“Ok… You might what want to leave. I’m bringing in the Hounds.”


Nobody will suspect at a thing.


Other than the few errors (and you know that there'll always be a few XP), this was written wonderfully! I really like the idea behind it and I can't wait to read more. The way you wrote the beginning gave me chills - in a good way, of course!

Hope I helped and keep up the amazing work!
~ Moonlight
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Hey Remrock, I'm here to review!

Okay, so overall it's a great start; you've left enough of a cliffhanger/mystery to make me want to read more, and I already have a good feeling about this character. However, so far it feels like the opening to a vampire novel, what with the bite that killed and the anger she feels at being "turned" into something. Not sure if that's where you're going with this story or if it's even what you want, but I just thought I'd mention it.

His blood was everywhere – on my hands, cloths, face.


Missing an "e" there.

As if my fingers were butter, my phone slipped out of my fingers and landed on the man’s chest.


Much as I can understand this use of the phrase, it still is very clichéd. I know you can come up with a different, newer way of wording this.

Okay, well that's really all I have to nitpick on. This is a great start, and I'm looking forward to seeing where this story goes! Please PM me if you've got any questions or whatnot. Cheers! (:
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle




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Seeing as the spelling errors have already been found and corrected there isn't much for me to criticize anymore.

I think you played wonderfully with the main character's guilt. You also hinted at many different things that interest the reader, like "Who is this Trev? Why are the Hounds so bad? Who is the speaker? What is going on?"...
Your style is really nice, the characters dialogue seems natural. One question though: The main character knows right away who to call to get rid of the body, but Trev is shocked and not surprised at the same time. That's a bit off, maybe.

Otherwise, good work, I'm looking forward to you revealing those mysteries.



With great power... comes great need to take a nap. Wake me up later.
— Rick Riordan, The Heroes of Olympus