Daybreak

I wake in the golden hue of the morning;
Cassius lurks between the skylines-- I read him
like a shadow sifting through spotlight, whispering
extinguish the white, adapt to the dark,
just make sure that shotgun hits her mark
as he lays the cold barrel against my palms,
silently gesturing toward the sunrise.

Dawn - panting softly, kneeling against the wind
and begging for her faded colour to seep through
the twisting trees - turns to face the sky; she speaks
with an honest tongue, with a prophecy promising
that the rain will come down and freeze over
the barren land; I release her breath with a tug
of the trigger and she slips swiftly from my gaze,
shedding fire across the horizon.

I have been caught red-handed; the sun
bleeds brilliance over my eyes as Cassius
closes my fingers into fists, coercing like steel that
snaps back at my wrists, throbbing rhythmically--
I missed, I missed; the heavens rise to unleash
their battle cry as crimson ammunition cascades
from the clouds, driving lead through my skull
and etching devastation into my bones.

I wait up for their wounded morning-star,
glacial winds echoing through my mind as water
turns to ice and crawls through my subconscious;
Dawn is coming after me, hunting down my demons
and surrounding them like doctors before my fate
is decided upon, before they mold my hands to a cold
revolver and silently gesture toward the sunrise--
with a deep sigh, I release my breath with a tug
of the trigger, slipping swiftly from their gaze
and bleeding fire across the horizon.


** So, decided to finally post something new (sort of.. it's more of a second part to This Sky Will Betray You, but still). No specific meaning to the piece, no right or wrong interpretations. It's more or less the overall feeling/what you take from it. Obviously there are some rough spots - I really can't seem to write coherently these days - so critique and suggestions are most welcome and perhaps even adored. Thanks for reading. :) **

Glad to hear more from you! I'll dive right in.

earendil wrote:I wake in the early bright of the morning; "Early bright" sounds strange. Seems like your getting Perse's habit of using adjectives in the place of nouns. I, personally, find it odd-sounding, but that's just my humble opinion.
Cassius lurks between the skylines-- I read him Hmm....Why Cassius?
like a shadow sifting through spotlight, whispering
extinguish the white, adapt to the dark, "Adapt" does not seem to flow well with the rest of this line.
just make sure that shotgun hits her mark Whoa...now there's a rhyming pattern?
as he lays the cold barrel against my palms, How about "upon my fingers" instead? It's up to you, of course; that's just a suggestion.
silently gesturing toward the sunrise. Nice....

Dawn - on her knees, kneeling against the trees Rhyming again?
and begging for her blood to seep through
the seven seas - turns to face the sky; she speaks ...And more rhyming....Also, I'm not sure I like "seven seas."
in an honest tongue; a prophecy promising "Prophecy promising" is quite the tongue-twister.
for the rain to come down and freeze over "Promise for" is a mix-up in phrasing, something I do all the time. It should be "promise that," with the according adjustments to the wording of the line as well.
the barren land; I release her breath with a tug
of the trigger and she slips swiftly from my gaze,
shedding fire across the horizon. These last three lines are spectacular.

I have been caught light-handed; the sun "Light-handed?" I don't know....
bleeds brilliance over my eyes as Silvertongue Rhyming here as well. I think it may be better to refer back to Cassius at this point, just so that you're not introducing any more characters. Again, just a personal preference.
closes my fingers into fists, coercing like steel I think a comma at the end of this line may strengthen it somewhat. Other than that, excellent.
snapping back at my wrists, throbbing rhythmically-- Instead of "rhythmically," consider using a metaphor here.
I missed, I missed; the heavens rise to let loose Instead of "let loose," consider "unleash," "discharge," or "emit."
their battle cry as crimson ammunition cascades
from the clouds, driving lead through my skull Perfecto.
and etching devastation into the bone. How about "our bones" to make it sound a bit more relatable?

I wait up for their wounded morning-star, "Wait up" is pretty slangy.
glacial winds echoing through my mind as water
turns to ice and crawls through my subconscious; Best two lines of the poem. Love it.

Sorry, I have to go and can't offer my opinion on the rest, but I would like to say that this is a wonderful poem. Don't say that you can't write coherently anymore- this is beautiful. Anyway, I'd like to say "Keep writing," but I know you will anyway, so...yeah.

-Kafka

I really like this, although it confused me a little bit. I enjoy poetry that gives me a visual impression rather than a conscious one. In that respect, good on yah!

extinguish the white, adapt to the dark,
just make sure that shotgun hits her mark

Ok, that line gave me chills. It's really cool. The only thing I can see wrong is punctuation here as well as in other sections. More specifically, the capitalization seems irregular.

I wait up for their wounded morning-star,
glacial winds echoing through my mind as water
turns to ice and crawls through my subconscious;
Dawn is coming after me, hunting down my demons
and surrounding them like doctors before my fate
is decided upon, before they mold my hands to a cold
revolver and silently gesture toward the sunrise--
with a deep sigh, I release my breath with a tug
of the trigger, slipping swiftly from their gaze
and bleeding fire across the horizon.

The word "subconscious" should be subconsciousness to make it a noun, but the rest works well as far as I can see. Very cool again.