Chamomile

Spoiler

I'm trying something new in order to make another change to my style of poetry; I'm writing something, and then writing that in senyru, getting used to using less words and images. I want to learn to articulate. The original piece (below the senyru) is also going to be me trying to be concise. Two separate pieces, same subject... We'll see how this works out.

Chamomile burnt my lips,
and I ignored the rusty taste on my tongue;
I’d added too much honey again.

I watched the sunlight stream into the room,
just barely missing your sitting spot:
it lay in the dark, a corner of the couch
that no one ever sat in anymore.

I took a sip and wondered if it was lonely.
I rested my mug against my sternum,
and wondered if I was lonely too.

Senyru version:

Spoiler

Chamomile-burnt lips;
I think of you in between
each sip, lingering.

Thanks for reading!
-Coral-

This is nice, Lily. I can definitely see that this is an experiment as far as style is concerned, but concision is a very useful tool in poetry, so I'm glad you are determined to master it.

Chamomile-burnt lips;
I think of you in between
each sip, lingering. This stanza is in the present tense, whereas the rest of the poem is not. Just pointing it out, because it is usually less confusing if you homogenize the tense.

Weird big space here; was that intentional?


Chamomile burnt my lips, This sounds too much like the first line, but just different enough for it to sound a bit strange. I would either just repeat exactly what was said in the first line or simply rework it.
and I ignored the rusty taste on my tongue;
I’d added too much honey again.

I watched the sunlight stream into the room,
just barely missing your sitting spot: I would rework this line to have stronger imagery, in order to reinforce the line before it.
it lay in the dark, a corner of the couch "Dark" and "corner" go together so often that I find myself at first omitting the comma and "a" as I read this.
that no one ever sat in anymore.

I took a sip and wondered if it was lonely.
I rested my mug against my sternum, I would consider finding another word for "sternum."
and quietly wondered if I was lonely too.

Again, excellent poem. Keep on writing!

-Kafka

So these are two separate poems, then? Or rather, the same poem rewritten? Because in that case of course, the first stanza is not the first stanza, and in THAT case the change of tense and almost-repetition of the first line doesn't matter.

I like the word "sternum," in part because it's so seldom used; it's unique. I also had no problem reading the "it lay in the dark, a corner of the couch" line. I like this overall, either version; being me, I think I like the longer version a bit better because it's more satisfying, let's say. But I do like both of them (if I'm correct and these are two different versions - that's what I got from your spoiler). The only thing that bugs me is the use of the word "quietly" in the last stanza. I mean, the narrator is sitting there sipping chamomile; it's pretty obvious that she's not talking, and for some reason "quietly," I feel, just kind of takes away from the flow. Maybe just because it's superfluous, I'm not sure. But other than that, I think this is beautiful.

Good job as usual

~Blue

I just hit backspace, and my whole review was deleted. fapsekrtjas;dfklj'asd. sigh.

Anyway. Hiya, again.

Seeing that sir Kafka has already done some line-picking, I ended up just forming an overall opinion of the poem. Let's start with the good: I absolutely, positively, no-doubt-about-it...ly? loved the last stanza. The way you just came out and said it, the feeling you chose to address... it just connected. Despite the impression I make with my usual style of writing, I'm a huge fan of simple poetry that gets to the core of the feeling and just spells it out, right there. It's not so much blunt as it is beautiful in its simplicity. You made it feel like a silent confession one would make to one's self. Simply amazing.

Now. That been said, I didn't really care for the first two stanzas. They came off as a bit too straight forward and somewhat bland. While it's understandable that you're setting the scene, I must admit that I really didn't feel any sort of emotion in it. It sort of just felt like staring at a picture, hearing in the background, somewhere, "and then this happened. and then this happened. and then this happened." Up until the very end, it didn't quite grab my interest the way you usually do. Don't get me wrong - it's still good. I imagine there was something intentional behind it and perhaps I'm just missing a step somewhere. But it didn't impress me as much as some of your other work. A little tweak here and there, though, and s'all good.

Anyway. Again, overall, I liked the piece. The second version is good, too - looking at both of them, it's easy to understand the connection between the two. Great work as always, Coral Hopefully my honesty wasn't too honest, in a way that would offend you. That most certainly wasn't my intention. You could let your dinosaur eat me, if it was.

Hey there, Percy! I am not an expert at reviewing poetry, and neither I am any near to being good. So I'll try, but you should link me to some fiction/non-fiction you've written and need a review on. I'll be better at reviewing that.

I took a sip and wondered if it was lonely.
I rested my mug against my sternum,
and wondered if I was lonely too.

Now here I do have a problem. I just find that the word 'too' used in the last..just disrupted the rhythm or you could say that I would have liked it to be put differently. For example-I rested my mug against my sternum, and wondered if I too was lonely.

Overall, I seriously didn't know much about Senryu so I Googled it up, and thanks for asking for a review, I know a lot about it now. But still that doesn't make me an expert at it, so I'll have to leave you with a weird review. Right now, what I really liked about your poem was the second stanza. It was crafted brilliantly, and the best thing I liked was your imagery here. You just used three lines and it was evident how badly she/he was missing that someone. So a good job done.

Also, I am not sure but is the poem supposed to be that short when you have Senryu? But overall, I liked it. But my second opinion about it would be that if there's no word or sentence limit herein then you ought to include more of imagery. The part in spoiler was much better to be quite honest and I would have loved to have it in here. Now Senryu is all about Human nature, and I think you even tried to portray that, but still I felt like you could have brought in more of human nature. The one aspect of it we discovered here was loneliness, and the deep thoughts the girl has on seeing the sternum. But more than that we didn't get to know more. In any other situation it would have been alright, but considering the fact that the type of style you chose specializes in human nature, that can't be called enough. So it would be better if you check on that point and bring in more of emotions, if length allows.

I don't have much to say, and I am terribly sorry for that. So please, please ask me for anything else which needs a review. I'll try my best not to disappoint you!

~Shrubbery

It's me for the third time! (I did these reviews in the wrong order. xD)

This might be another some-what useless review. So, my apologies for that.

Normally, I'm a fan of larger poems and the short ones seem too simplistic and skeleton-like for me to really enjoy. Not so with this piece. It was a beautiful poem, and actually some-what relaxing to read.

The fact that this is a transition from Senyru to a longer poem added to my appreciation for it. (Probably considering that I never seem capable of doing things like that.) Honestly, though, I can't find anything to nitpick or point out for you. What needed pointing out has already been done, and spewing sentence after sentence of praise seems some-what pointless to me. It's already quite obvious that I enjoyed this.

Anyways, this is the kind of simplicity I enjoy in a poem.

Thanks for the read and so sorry for the helpless review. xD

~~Cass