Jerabeth, Chapter 1: 2 thousand years later. 

Sorry I clicked the wrong genre, it's suppost to be fantasy

Chapter 1: 2 thousand years later. 

After a long 2thousand years, soon to be called the Dark Ages, there was a Nymph girl, of the name Deborah. She was a special kind of Nymph, the Lily Nymphs who live in the giant lilies of the Lily Vally. They were once beautiful creatures, with the power to attract you and convince you to do anything they wished, but now after the Dark ages began, they began to decrease in their population. 

Maybe it was the evil things they were doing. They did not follow the Laws of the King, the Law they violate the most is the Law of Adultery. No one married, but everyone enjoyed the sport of making love. They never understood why, but the curses and deceases spreaded anyways, but they never stopped. 

But Deborah never started. She was taught as a child, by her now-passed mother, they was and laws of the King, and she was loyal to them. When her mother took her last breathes, she grabbed her child's hand and said, " My daughter, never give up your innocence." and then she died. 

Deborah has never forgot her mother's dieing wish and was loyal to it. Even 5 years after her mothers death, at the age of 14. It was her 14th birthday when it all started.

She was cleaning her flower-hut; a giant Lily flower with the pedals as walls and doors and floor and the long carpels acted as lamps in the small room. The pedal walls were white and the carpel-lamps were a light green. Deborah loved her hut, for it was her mothers.

At alate hour, there was a knock at the door. She looked through the hole in the door pedal, thinking it was one of her neighbors trying to seduce her again. But standing there, looking around suspiciously, was a post man. This was odd, because they usually never come in the Vally, no one bothers to send Lily Nymphs mail, nor do they know any, for they never leave the Vally themselves.

Deborah opened the door and greeted the man. He seemed in a hurry to get out of the Vally, eyeing the drunk woman nude in the bushes by the other flower-hut pink. He handed me a letter, with an official looking print to the envelope. He bid the Nymph good-bye, then ran off to his horse. Deborah gazed at the creature, for there was no animals in the Vally. She watched it gallop in its tremendous saddle until it was out of sight. She then returned inside and locked the door behind her. 

Deborah was scared to open the letter at first, as she stared blankly at the wax-sealed paper. She wondered if it was sent by her mockers, the people who tease her for her difference in her choices. But she quickly ruled that out, observing the characters on the letter's cover the apparently stood for her name, because most Lily-Nymphs can't read and write. 
She then pulled herself together and lifted off the wax seal of the Government. Inside was a piece of parchment as expected, with expensive looking borders. 

What did the Government expect to gain in sending her a letter she can't read? Was she in trouble? She couldn't be. Then what interest would the Government have in HER? 

Deborah looked up into her beaten up vanity mirror that was her mother's. She looked at her bushy, knotted brunette hair, her mud looking eyes, and her pale skin. Compared to the other Nymphs, who are some of the most beautiful creatures, she was defiantly ugly. No one likes a misfit. 

She attempted to read some words, for her mother could read and write. He squinted her eyes and held the paper to her face. None of the words made any sense to her.

As she put the paper down on her dresser which held her mirror and few clothes, something caught her eye. She saw the word 'carriage' close to a familiar word, 'tomorrow.' 

The parchment fell, her eyes widened, and the girl in the mirror was shaking with fear. 

Chapter 1: 2 thousand years later.

After a long 2thousand years, soon to be called the Dark Ages, there was a Nymph girl, of the name Deborah. She was a special kind of Nymph, the Lily Nymphs who live in the giant lilies of the Lily Vally. They were once beautiful creatures, with the power to attract you and convince you to do anything they wished, but now after the Dark ages began, they began to decrease in their population.

You should say two thousand.

Maybe it was the evil things they were doing. They did not follow the Laws of the King, the Law they violate the most is the Law of Adultery. No one married, but everyone enjoyed the sport of making love. They never understood why, but the curses and deceases spreaded anyways, but they never stopped.

But Deborah never started. She was taught as a child, by her now-passed mother, they was and laws of the King, and she was loyal to them. When her mother took her last breathes, she grabbed her child's hand and said, "My daughter, never give up your innocence." and then she died.

Deborah has never forgot her mother's dieing wish and was loyal to it. Even 5 years after her mothers death, at the age of 14. It was her 14th birthday when it all started.

You might want to change it to forgotten.

She was cleaning her flower-hut; a giant Lily flower with the pedals as walls and doors and floor and the long carpels acted as lamps in the small room. The pedal walls were white and the carpel-lamps were a light green. Deborah loved her hut, for it was her mothers.

At alate hour, there was a knock at the door. She looked through the hole in the door pedal, thinking it was one of her neighbors trying to seduce her again. But standing there, looking around suspiciously, was a post man. This was odd, because they usually never come in the Vally, no one bothers to send Lily Nymphs mail, nor do they know any, for they never leave the Vally themselves.

You're missing a space. The other is spelled neighbours.

Deborah opened the door and greeted the man. He seemed in a hurry to get out of the Vally, eyeing the drunk woman nude in the bushes by the other flower-hut pink. He handed me a letter, with an official looking print to the envelope. He bid the Nymph good-bye, then ran off to his horse. Deborah gazed at the creature, for there was no animals in the Vally. She watched it gallop in its tremendous saddle until it was out of sight. She then returned inside and locked the door behind her.

You could change drunk to drunken.

Deborah was scared to open the letter at first, as she stared blankly at the wax-sealed paper. She wondered if it was sent by her mockers, the people who tease her for her difference in her choices. But she quickly ruled that out, observing the characters on the letter's cover the apparently stood for her name, because most Lily-Nymphs can't read and write.
She then pulled herself together and lifted off the wax seal of the Government. Inside was a piece of parchment as expected, with expensive looking borders.

What did the Government expect to gain in sending her a letter she can't read? Was she in trouble? She couldn't be. Then what interest would the Government have in HER?

Deborah looked up into her beaten up vanity mirror that was her mother's. She looked at her bushy, knotted brunette hair, her mud looking eyes, and her pale skin. Compared to the other Nymphs, who are some of the most beautiful creatures, she was defiantly ugly. No one likes a misfit.

She attempted to read some words, for her mother could read and write. He squinted her eyes and held the paper to her face. None of the words made any sense to her.

This is probabally a typo. It should obviously be she.

As she put the paper down on her dresser which held her mirror and few clothes, something caught her eye. She saw the word 'carriage' close to a familiar word, 'tomorrow.'

The parchment fell, her eyes widened, and the girl in the mirror was shaking with fear.

I noticed alot that you spelled valley as vally.

Overall you did a great job. I'm interested in reading more. Just check over for grammar errors and typos.

Hi there, Lavvi in to review.

You have a good start here, but you just to fix some things.

When writing, usually you should really write out the numbers. Like:

Even five years after her mothers death, at the age of fourteen.

At first, this may seem a tad annoying, but you'll get used to it and it's sort of an author code. This goes for any number, even if you have to write 'twelve billion three hundred and thirty-six thousand people'. It's way of writing

You also have a fair amount of spelling mistakes that are simple to fix, either by spell-check (on the computer or having someone read it) or reading aloud. As Aquababe already noted, "Vally" to "Valley".

He handed me a letter, with an official looking print to the envelope.

You can't suddenly change narratives, so this (being the bolded 'me') should be 'Deborah'.

In addition to this, pay attention to your tenses. In the beginning, you have past tense and suddenly you switch to present tense. It's easy to fix with a simple read-aloud or having someone else read it.

Overall, I, personally, didn't feel like it was anything special. It sort of reminded me of a Tinkerbell/Neverland kind of world. It's a good start, though.

Lavvi

Hey Pen, here I am as requested! Haha I totally would have reviewed this before if I had seen it, but I really only prowl around the fantasy section. XD

Okay, so my main concern with this piece is your constant switch from present tense to past tense. It happens far too often, and you never want to do that; it throws off the reader and causes a lot of confusion. When you describe something that did happen, you don't change it to what is happening now.

My second big issue -- your narrative style. You do a lot of telling instead of showing; you give the facts, lay it before us, and don't let us imagine or picture whatever we will by simply describing scenes and using inference through either dialogue or actions. I just checked, and I already linked you to the excellent topic about showing vs. telling in your prologue, so I'd really like you to look at that and try to fix up your telling to showing.

Now, for the story: so far, so good. It's progressing at a good rate, although you seem to have to give a lot of background. You really want to try to integrate this information throughout the story, from little things people say or whatnot. I'd suggest taking a look at some of your favorite books and really dissecting their style -- how do the authors give you information? I'm willing to bet that most of them don't spend that much time telling you all the past history; they probably let you figure it out yourself through dialogue or other little bits. You want to try and capture that ability, because it makes the reader's time much more interesting; instead of feeling like they're getting a history lesson, they're being told a story.

Okay, now onto the nitpicks!

Chapter 1: 2 thousand years later. 

After a long 2thousand years,

If you already said that it's been two thousand years, then there's no need to repeat it in the sentence right below. Also, the number "2" should be written out as "two." There's a rule that says that any number under 100 needs to be written out; if you really want to use numerals, then write it as "2,000."

They did not follow the Laws of the King, the Law they violate the most is the Law of Adultery. No one married, but everyone enjoyed the sport of making love.

One thing here; if they didn't marry, then they couldn't commit adultery. Adultery is when someone who's married has sex with someone other than their spouse. If none of them were married in the first place, then what they're doing is premarital sex.

But Deborah never started. She was taught as a child, by her now-passed mother, they was and laws of the King, and she was loyal to them. When her mother took her last breathes, she grabbed her child's hand and said, " My daughter, never give up your innocence." and then she died. 

This is all a bit quick! Again, you're info-dumping here. Spread it out; give more details. Don't just state that the mother told her to stay innocent before dying.

Deborah has never forgot her mother's dieing wish and was loyal to it. Even 5 years after her mothers death, at the age of 14. It was her 14th birthday when it all started.

As I mentioned before, you switch tenses. Here's an example; you've got "has" (highlighted above in red), which implies that this is happening now. The rest of the sentence is in the past tense, which means that it happened a while ago.
Also, "5" should be "five" and "14" should be "fourteen."

He seemed in a hurry to get out of the Vally, eyeing the drunk woman nude in the bushes by the other flower-hut pink.

I think you're missing something here; read it aloud (or just in your head ) and you should hopefully hear that it sounds very disjointed. Again, you're going for a smooth, easy-to-read pace and tone. Right now, it's very choppy and awkward.

She attempted to read some words, for her mother could read and write.

Just because her mother could read and write doesn't mean she can. Explain how her mother taught her before her mother died or something; you need to fill in the missing connections.

Okay, so that's all I have to say. I hope this review helps; you've got a good story start, and you just need to clean things up and pace yourself throughout the entire story; work on your narrative voice and your grammar, and this will be much easier to read and consequently will no doubt gather more reader. Please PM me if you've got any questions or whatnot. Cheers! (:

Hey!

I thought I'd take a shot a reviewing this for you, seeing as you reviewed mine

So, first impressions. It seems like you have a good start to a story here and I'm intrigued to see where you take it in the next few chapters and how the plot develops. I've read the pre-face too and I get the vibe that this is all taking place in some fantasy world that you've made up. I'm jealous - the one thing I'd love to be able to write is fantasy, but it seems I lack the creativity to be able to make up entire worlds all of my own. Props to you for being creative

I found, like the other reviewers, that you switched tenses throughout the piece, but it's easily done and just as easily rectified so it's nothing to worry about.

but now after the Dark ages began, they began to decrease in their population.

The repitition of the word 'began' here, bogs down the sentence. I'd suggest re-wording it and replacing one of the 'began's to something else.

E.g - but now after the Dark ages began, their population started to decrease.'

they was and laws of the King,

This sentence doesn't make any sense. Did you mean 'they were the laws of the King'?

with the pedals as walls and doors and floor and the long carpels acted as lamps in the small room. The pedal walls were white and the carpel-lamps were a light green.

I think 'pedals' and 'pedal' are supposed to be 'petals' and petals'

'with the petals as walls and doors and floor and the long carpels acted as lamps in the small room. The petal walls were white and the carpel-lamps were a light green.'

She looked through the hole in the door pedal,

'petal'

thinking it was one of her neighbors trying to seduce her again.

Maybe add in some background information to go here. What happened last time? Does the thought of one her neighbours being at her door scare her? These little things will help to develop your character.

the other flower-hut pink

'the pink flower-hut' ?

He handed me a letter,

'me' should be 'her' or 'Deborah' like LavenderBlue pointed out. Be careful not to switch POVs.

letter's cover the apparently stood for her name

'the' should be 'that'

So. I'd like to know a bit more about Deborah's mother. We know that she's passed away and that she could read and write, but we know little else. This may be covered in later chapters, but a little more background information about her would benefit the story.

I hope this review helps!

Thanks for the read

xDudettex

Hey pen, here again.
You have loads of hefty reviews that have pointed out your grammar mistakes so I won't point them out again, if you don't mind.

Ok this chapter is getting slightly more like a chapter. It finally has a plot.
Again I think this could be a whole lot better. Simple description is needed in a lot of places. Even dropping in a few adjectives here and there would brighten the potential in my opinion. As I said my and fantasy are like a broken puzzle. We don't fit. I'm not going to review very well for you so I'm sorry.

The pace was rather slow and a bit choppy but you did well in that, we see that Deborah is diffeent and you have shown us a bit about her-Her backround, her moral views etc. In the next chapter I would try and give us some detail on how she looks. What colour hair she has, her personality.
You also managed to give us an inlook into the kingdom. They have obviously fallen into corruption. As ranger pointed out, they are not commiting adultery as they are not marrid. You could try and incorporate how wrong the situation of the people is, that what they spend there time doing is wrong. Also the naked women in the bushes. Do you mean that all the poeple walk around in the nude? This part is slightly confusing. If they do all go running around clothed then why would someone be hiding in the bushes? Surely she would have put on something half decent? This part needs to be eplained in detail so the readers have a clear picture in there mind.

Your imagery was god enough for a fantasy story (I think ) Your words were well enough placed but everything was a little blunt. We didn't have enough inlook to the place that the poeple in the kingdom live. Is it an island? Show us their town live, is it busy-full of people? This is the kind of thing that will pull your story up a notch. It helps us understand what your really writing about.

All in all the as the first chapter I think it was better the the preface. As I said previously I think spell check will help alot in your work. Try it out.

Kaka