Dust and Shadows

A/N: I was kind of bored. So I wrote this. I guess.


~
Her beauty is of plastic flowers,
Shining and bright,
but only as real as one wills it to be

Inhuman grey eyes
seem to pierce your soul
but they are glazed, as a dolls

And what a pretty doll she makes,
says and does the right things
with a silk wind-up string in the back

She's not quite alive
but neither is she dead

Pulvis et umbra sumus, he once said.

Her beauty is of plastic flowers,
Shining and bright, "Shining," "bright..." I think there are more original adjectives out there.
but only as real as one wills it to be "Wills it to be" is a really weird way to say this. Change this line.

Inhuman grey eyes Good description.
seem to pierce your soul "Seem to" mitigates the effect of the previous line.
but they are glazed, as a doll's Excellent line.

And what a pretty doll she makes,
says and does the right things This line could be better.
with a silk wind-up string in the back

She's not quite alive
but neither is she dead

Pulvis et umbra sumus, he once said. I like this last line and how you said it in Latin, but I wasn't aware of a rhyming scheme. "Dead" and "said" rhyme, so I would change one of them.

Overall, this is a great poem! It has room for improvement, but then again, every poem does, so nice work.

-Kafka

Thank you The last line rhyming thing was on purpose I guess. Well, not really, at first, it was accidental, then I realized I liked how it sounded and decided to keep it like that.

Hi! This is good. I like how you compare the girl to plastic flowers, and the concept of not being really alive or dead. You use description really well in this piece. One complaint I have is the sudden unexpected mention of some guy right at the end, who says something in Latin. Maybe the Latin gives away who he is, but since I don't know what it means, I can't tell. I like the rhyming at the end though, I think it sounds good, and finishes off the poem nicely.

Thanks

I like the imagery in this poem. Could you included a translation of the Latin below please? I think it might help us readers to understand the poem a bit better. Also, could you add periods to the end of your sentences please. It's bothering me for some reason. And that's really all the nitpicks I had. I really loved your use of imagery in this poem. It was short and sweet. Good job.

Jasmine. *tips hat*

The first thing I have to say is that I usually don't like short poems much (I like lots of imagery and lines of emotion and such), but I actually enjoyed this quite a bit.

The first stanza was my favorite by far. The first two lines caught my attention-- mostly because they weren't the same old clichés that you hear every time somebody tries to compare beauty to something. (Wow, that was a wordy sentence)

On the other hand, one stanza did distract me.

jasminebells wrote:Inhuman grey eyes
seem to pierce your soul
but they are glazed, as a dolls

'Pierce your soul' is the line I want to point out here. (Obviously, considering it's bolded.) This line is incredibly cliché. It didn't pack as large a punch as I'm sure it was meant to, and it seemed odd in comparison to the next line (and stanza, really), which I actually enjoyed. It's just that middle line that I would change.

One more thing I wanted to talk about was your punctuation. It may be a poem, but you do need periods in some areas. (Such as, on the end of most of your stanzas.)
There are a few articles about punctuating poetry if you wanted to have a look:

Spoiler

By Kyllorac
By Adnamarine
By TurntableJack
By Suzanne

Anyways, overall, this poem was pretty well-written. Congrats, Jassy.

Thanks Idraax and Isha!

Hey there! Cool poem you've got here, I love the imagery of the plastic flowers and the doll and I think that end rhyme works really well. However, I also feel you should explain the latin, if not within the poem, then as a note outside of it at least. You've got it in the title (though it should be shadow I believe?) but that's not enough and it will be frustrating for readers not familiar with the reference.

Her beauty is of plastic flowers, [I don't like the of here. Slows the rhythm down and really isn't needed; it would sound much better as a stronger statement: Her beauty is plastic flowers.]
Shining and bright, [A little unoriginal to be paired with some a good image. Think of other words to describe them or even another simile, like: 'vivid as the Northern Lights' except better since you have more time to choose one ]
but only as real as one wills it to be [Hmmm. A little awkwardly phrased. Perhaps, 'but only as real as your belief' would flow better.]

Inhuman grey eyes
seem to pierce your soul
but they are glazed, as a doll's

And what a pretty doll she makes,
says and does the right things
with a silk wind-up string in the back [Good image.]

She's not quite alive
but neither is she dead

Pulvis et umbra sumus, he once said. [And like I said, I love the rhyme and the quote but maybe:
Pulvis et umbra sumus:
We are dust and shadow, he once said.]

In general, I think you've got a good little poem here. You could make the visuals stronger and expand on them more but it's an enjoyable read either way. Hopefully this helped a little,

Heather xxx

Thank you Heather!

Finally something I don't feel bad about reviewing!

Her beauty is of plastic flowers,
Shining and bright,
but only as real as one wills it to be

I like this a lot *thumbs up*

And what a pretty doll toy she makes,
says and does the right things
with a silk wind-up string in the back

I don't like the repetition of doll, and since you used it in the end of the last stanza it makes it feel repetitive.

She's not quite alive
but neither is she dead

You did a good job on this, but the only thing is I can't seem to figure out if you're talking about an actual doll, or a girl. I think it would be more meaningful if it was about a girl, but either way it's pretty good. I'm not sure what the last line means but I'm not really liking it, but whatever.

Keep writing, just don't ask me to review it...for a loong time xD

~Hope <3