Porcelain Doll

Glassy-eyed, engulfed by cobwebs,
and a sea of ashen dust, it is archaic,
yet the very mirage of reality; gleaming
white hands clutch the misty air, do you
recognize this face? Entombed by suffering,
an ancient god, a world crushed underfoot;
cracked, tear-streaked and dilapidated, hair
the snapped strings of a violin, coiling
forever backward, if not already claimed
by the dust. This fissure between gossamer lips,
painted with blood, this single crack, webbing its way
down the hollow skull, into the colorless eyes and the holes
that were once ears. And as you realize that this porcelain doll

is you,

the hands are already at your throat.

I don't know how to reply so I'll do my best. One thing is I love the creativity and passion in this poem. There were a few minor errors but it was well made. I don't understand the stanzas but maybe that was your point. My favorite part was how you twisted the doll to be you, not you but ya. It was and intersting poem and leaves you wondering How'd she come up with this? I loved this and hope you keep writing.

Oooohhhh, creepy! I like this a lot, the description is very good: tense and evocative. You create quite a vivd picture in the reader's mind. I don't see much to critique, except perhaps for the very end. I like the twist, but I must say I didn't quite get it. Is it the person looking at herself? If so, then whose hands are at her throat? Maybe you meant to leave this vague, but I would like to know just for my own peace of mind.

I would tell you to keep writing, but that would be stupid because obviously you're going to keep writing. . . . so, great job!

Evenin’, Kafka. I’m fond of this piece, but it has great room for improvement. Let’s dive in.

So you enter the piece with an eerie description of the location of the doll—okay, you’ve set a scene. Now, when setting a scene, you can think of it in terms of imagery and word choice. See, when you choose your words precisely, even the sound of the consonants and vowels together can create a mood. That said, try playing around with “spiderwebs” in your first sentence (for a primary note, it would be written as spider webs—two words). I think the word “Gossamers” would serve quite beautifully here, but you have a myriad of choices at your disposal; tap into them.

For your second line, you hit a dissonant note with me.

and a sea of ashen dust, it remains ancient,

See, once something is ancient, it is as such forever. In that sense, try changing “ancient” to something more suited and accurate to what you’re trying to portray; while the doll may be old (and you’ve captured that in your imagery already), stating it flat-out seems a bit of a low-blow to me, especially when coupled with your other material. This change would also help your succeeding line,

yet the very painting of reality; gleaming

Ancient and reality don’t quite seem to clash enough to warrant the ‘yet’; do you agree? Take it or leave it. Along those same lines, try a word a bit fresher than ‘painting’ to describe this doll. Painting is rather dull, as said before, compared to some of your other phrasing.

Upon line four, your grammar begins to break down. Here’s just a quick-fix to get you on the right track again.

yet the very painting of reality; gleaming
dead hands clutching the misty air. Do
you recognize this face? Cracked, tear-

I see no shame in dividing those into two sentences, aye? On that note, I’m not sure how fond I am of your stanza break after ‘tear-‘. It seems very harsh for the tone of the poem. Of course, line breaks and stanza divisions are two of the toughest arts for even seasoned poets, so just play around—you’ll get it eventually. The grammar breakdown I mentioned above continues in this next stanza, and just floods me with commas that I just don’t particularly want to see weighing this down. After reading several times, I’m not quite certain that it’s a sentence, which is sad, given your track record thus far.

Try playing around with your entire syntax here; while I love the violin string metaphor, you need to clean up the flow of this entire area.

…and now I think I’ve found my issue with this particular stanza—it does nothing but describe. Give me more than this; I know you’re capable of it.

You continue this meandering description in the final stanza and end with a final quick-draw shock factor that isn’t particularly justified due to the lack of utter substance in the piece itself. I’m not saying that you need to change the ending; I mean that you need to give me more before the end. In fact, that only two lines in this entire poem that are not description are as follows:

Do
you recognize this face?

and

And as
you realize that this porcelain doll is you,
the hands are already at your throat.

You just miss the dramatic effect because of your lack of backing. Set these things up, pal, and you’ll do just fine.

PM me or post on my wall if you have any questions / comments.

-Lumi

This is an amazing, dramatic poem. I honestly couldn't see where it was going (maybe just my lack of imagination) and I really like that in a story/poem. It wasn't predictable at all. I particuarly liked some of your expressions, similes and metaphors such as "a sea of dust" and "hair the snapped strings of a violin". Your stanzas were a bit on the random side but I think it worked well that way. The end was incredibly creepy and exciting. It was a good idea to only reveal who the porcelain doll is at the very end. It left me breathless and sent shivers down my spine. Your descriptive writing is truly amazing.
Sorry, this isn't much of a critique, but I wanted to express how much this poem moved me. One thing: I didn't understand fully the lines when you described the doll's mouth. It sounded like it was more an accidental crack or fissure and I couldn't picture it.
Anyway, thanks for posting.

Wow, just wow. I've never seen a poem quite like it... It's original, creative, and I love it! Good job, so far, I like all of your poetry. You'll be a great writer someday, so keep writing. Also, this is kind of random, but I just thought of Chucky while I was writing this.

Booky here to review! Comments in bold-enjoy!

Glassy-eyed, hiddenhow about engulfed by spiderwebs? or is that my weirdo mental thesaurus talking? behind spiderwebs
and a sea of ashen dust, itdoes it refer to the doll in this case?? i'll let it slide here due to poetic license, but one can't be too careful with pronoun clarity is archaic,
yet the very mirage of reality; gleaming
white hands clutch the misty airadore!, doawkward line break
you recognize this face? Cracked, tear-
streaked and dilapidatedbrilliant!, hair the snappedawkward line break! sorry!
strings of a violin, coiling forever backward,
if not already claimed by the dust. This fissure
between gossamer lips, this single crack webbing perfect line break:)
its way down the hollow skull, into the colorless
eyes and the holes that were once ears. And as
you realize that this porcelain doll line break here? add to tension>???is you,
the hands are alreadyline break here??? at your throat.

Very interesting idea, I really adored the visualization...only points are really about spacing and flow, but otherwise excellent piece!

I agree with bookworm. This poem was very interesting in the way it was presented and the idea was very intricate and eerie. Not a particularly long poem, but to the point this type of writing makes one reflect on what he or she truly is and how he or she sees themselves. The lines did stick together a bit in some places:

recognize this face? Cracked, tear-streaked

That line there is what I believe does not flow the best. Try to break this into stanzas, a few lines each and see if it flows better. A pause in the poem would make the reader think more as he or she reads. Overall this poem was a great piece. Goof job.

Absolutely incredible. I especially like what you did with the violin strings

...hair the snapped
strings of a violin, coiling forever backward,...

It's as if her very hair is made up of broken music, like shattered dreams and beauty. Very effective imagery. The entire description has that quality and is very utified, which is what makes it so creepy. "Spider webs" and "This fissure between gossamer lips...", both very good descriptions. And a porcelain doll. That in itself is creepy.
You did a really good job here and are amazing with descriptions, I love it. I give this four and a-half out of five. My only comment is that you made didn't make it as clear as I'd like what's going on in the poem. And also your sentences were a tiny bit hard to follow. Other than that I think it's perfect!

My favourite line is

...do you recognize this face?

That gave me shivers down my back!

Great job! Keep writing!


~~Zan

Wow, very well done!
I love the description and it leaves you with a rather creepy feeling. Not quite chills down your spine, not quite a need to catch your breath, just some point in between. It's eerie, I guess you could say.
I love it, though that might just be due to the fact that I adore dark poetry (Edgar Allen Poe fan) and anything with a solemn feel right away catches my interest.
I love this poem, just the feel of it and your choice of words are what makes it an excellent read.
Absolutely fantastic! Great work! (I'm running low on words!)
Just keep writing.