Will you cry?

6 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1049
Reviews 28
What if I die?
and leave you alone
Would you wail at high heavens
in bitter remorse?

Will you come to my grave
with flowers and bouquets?
remembering me fondly
head bowed with regret

Will you walk away
and say to yourself
"It was her time"
and smile your melancholy smile

Tell me!
Tell me the truth!
If I die
Will you cry?
If you have built castles in the air your work need not be lost;that is where they should be .Now just put the foundations under them.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 15
I like it, sad and kind of angry, but really good. It does need some work though, there's a few words I'd change. But it is good and I've written one like it and I think yours might be better.
In the end, love always wins.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2594
Reviews 171
I liked the ending of the poem a lot, the last stanza had a bunch of emotion and was really great, there are a few things I see though that you could work on:

What if I die?
and leave you alone
Would you wail at high heavens Beat too long, but I do like the imagery
in bitter remorse? Why bitter?

Will you come to my grave
with flowers and bouquets?
remembering me fondly
head bowed with regretWhy regret? Is it just because you're dead, or something more? Explain....

Will you walk away
and say to yourself
"It was her time" Hmm.....I like this, but the beat is a little off, any way to rephrase?
and smile your melancholy smile

Tell me! Just my opinion, but I think you should put a comma here instead of an exclamation mark, you have one in the line below. Let your words carry you emotion, let your punctuation carry your rhythm.
Tell me the truth!I don't really like this exclamation mark either, but it does work here if you like it.
Will you cry?

I do love the poem, great job.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.~Groucho Marx

I have a passion for all things literary, and I love to review the work of others :). PM me with a link and I'd love to review for you too!




Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1040
Reviews 18
Overall, I really liked this. It was powerful and had a lot of emotion in it. I think that you could add a little more length and detail to your sentences though. Add some imagery and maybe some descriptive adjectives. But I could feel your remorse and sadness and anger all bottled up in this poem. It's very good, just might need a little bit of work.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 648
Reviews 88
Hi!
I really enjoyed this poem, a lot!
I have felt that way before, many times to be frank.
Here are some of my little comments

What if I die?
and leave you alone
Would you wail at high heavens
in bitter remorse?I really like this sentance

Will you come to my grave
with flowers and bouquets?
remembering me fondly
head bowed with regretAgain, I really love your way of writing here, your very creative!

Will you walk away
and say to yourself
"It was her time"
and smile your melancholy smileI really like this part too!

Tell me!
Tell me the truth!
If I die
Will you cry?


Overall, I thought it was perfect!
You did a really good job and I hope to see more poems like this from you!
Thanks for posting it!
If you prick us, shall we not bleed?
If you tickle us, shall we not laugh?
If you poison us, shall we not die?
If you wrong us, shall we not revenge?
The Merchants of Venice-Shakespear
Love the life u live,
and live the life u love




Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 5889
Reviews 111
Ah yes the quintessential angst ridden poem filled with hatred and that rhetorical answer the person asking does not want to know. I remember those poems. Anyway this poem was okay. It had decent imagery, but angst ridden and anger with no real point other than to scorn or yell diminishes it greatly. Good try, but with these types of poems you have to be careful not to become clichéd with how you present it.
-Dante93



I like anchovies~ but nobody calls me that.
— alliyah