Hope

Rewrite of an old piece, both of which are on here.

New Version:



Hope was written in the lines of her eyes,
scripted and sweet like nectar;
it spoke from her lashes,
extending to the lost and blinking in renewal.
It sang from her closed lips,
uttered only warmth and caressed only truths,
sounding out delicate words that kept her warm in the winter.

It yearned to be free, to be exhaled into the world
and kissed the inside of her mouth, asking with grace,
but, she kept it close and ignored the tickle of its whispers.
She knew the hardened hearts of men and the cruelty with which
they would break hope’s fragile wings. So,

hope painted the chambers of her heart and the corridors of her veins,
ripening the flower blossoming inside of her mouth;
hope bloomed into a lotus, and fumbled and mumbled
all of her words. She knew it was finally time, when the petals brushed against
her lips, and she breathed out the golden perfume in a smile,
and shared her hope with the world, who was just devastated enough
to finally breathe it in and let it bloom within themselves.




Old Version:

Hope was written in her eyes,
spoke from her lashes,
sang from closed lips,
wishing to help the lost.
It yearned to be free,
to sing from open lips,
but she kept it close,
for she knew the world,
and she knew the cruelty of men,
and so it bloomed within her heart,
which was warmer than the
rest of the world.
Hope grew, hope flowered,
hope became a lotus,
golden, glowing, pure.
And then came the time for
hope to be shared.

Spoiler

This was more of an experiment than anything else. I rewrote something from a couple of months ago, when I was still relatively new to poetry. I have the original and redone here, so you can take a peek at both. I want to work on the rewrite, so any and all CC would be appreciated.

Thanks for reading! Any title suggestions would be welcome as well.
-Coral-

Hello!

I think from your old piece it is a drastic improvement and you should be proud.
However, the new version is very imagery based and very little punch is behind the piece. Remember the infamous scales analogy? Well that needs to be applied here. I think you'd be able to point out the obvious spots yourself as emotion would slide quite easily into the piece, i feel, it just lacks it at the minute!

PM me for anything!

~Retro Disco666

I like it A LOT!!!!!!!!!!!! The new peice was very detailed. I could almost taste what she was going to say. Literally this poem was delicious. I have wierd word choice I know so dont bug me with that but anyway just keep writing because that is a seriously amazing post. I showed it to my mom who is aenglish teacher and she said that it was beautiful and one of the best poems she ever read. So keep writing. so thats kind of stupid advice because you've written a lot. I LOVE YOUR WORK A LOT. Now I will say a long word and say goodbye. Antidisastablishmentarianism. Goodbye. (that is an actual word)

i really enjoyed this! i love how you word the poem, in the old version!

I liked it, and very much agree the new piece is better than the old. It has a lot more details, really, very good, but I also agree with the 666 guy. Apply that and see where it leads you. But seriously, it was good.

Hope was written in the lines of her eyes,
scripted and sweet like nectar;
it spoke from her lashes,
extending to the lost and blinking in renewal.
It sang from her closed lips,
uttered only warmth and caressed only truths,
sounding out delicate words that kept her warm in the winter.

Hope is doing roughly the same thing over this entire stanza. There isn't much change, it's reenforcing previous ideas with no real reason.(as far as I can tell). I believe this would work better if rearranged / some parts are removed. Such has uttered only in warmth, you don't need that, we'll see that in your last line.(which i like by the way, a lot.)
Also, extending to the lost, blinking in renewal, I am not entirely sure what that is supposed to mean. My only thought is that it's going out like waves to those who are lost? But how am I supposed to picture that? It would be a good line if used in a different way. Just because it is working with what you are talking about, doesn't mean that it is working well.

Spoiler

It might work better if it is put closer / given more relation to the scripted part of line two. And then that was given some imagery, an image something that would help us get the idea of it. Saying it's like morse code or something. It helps to keep similar descriptions, such as those, connected.

The lines that I believe you should keep are the first, thrid, second half of the sixth and the seventh.

It yearned to be free, to be exhaled into the world
and kissed the inside of her mouth, asking with grace,
but, she kept it close and ignored the tickle of its whispers.
She knew the hardened hearts of men and the cruelty with which
they would break hope’s fragile wings. So,

My only problem with this is the first, second and third lines. I believe the second and third lines can be rewritten to go without needing the first line, such as combining some parts or removing some parts, or even adding parts, it's up to you. But it'd work a bit better for lines two and three to replace the first one, some how. Since we know the truth is trying to escape, or we would be able to tell that by the fact that it's asking, it's in her mouth, she keeps her mouth shut / ignores it. But other than that, good job here.

Only problem with stanza three is the golden purfume part. I think just using silver would work better. You already said it's cold, and we can see our breathe when it's cold, I know gold sounds better. But silver can give it more of an image that works with some other ideas.

Over all:
I think you overdescibed a lot, actually. Not letting one idea sit and moving onto the next one totally. I mean, the first and second stanzas are pretty much the same exact thing. Both speak about her not speaking the truth / her hopes.

If you rewrite this, make sure you save the first and last lines of the first stanza, atleast. They are really worth keeping and can be used in other parts of the poem. (I assume you know / can find out where they could go.)

Your flow as okay,(didn't stop to check anything with it, which means there's no big obvious mistakes that would make me stop and consider it a bit more.) so good job there.

As well as your imagery working well enough, I'd still like to see some more images or something that can give us more ideas of what you're taking about. But that's just preferance.

Good luck, keep writing;
Silented1.

Haha. Corasaurus. Let's get crackin'.

First off, I think this poem is a major improvement compared to the original piece. I'm curious as to what the time interval was between the two. Anyway, yeah. Major, major improvement. Lots of great detail, lot's of great imagery, the whole nine yards. You make it seem effortless sometimes.

Now, this isn't going to be as great of a review as I'd like to leave, so I apologize ahead of time. Alas, I shall continue on with my line-picking.

Persephoneia wrote: kissed the inside of her mouth

Persephoneia wrote:flower blossoming inside of her mouth

Alrighty. While you do well in keeping the setting inside of Hope, stating "inside of her mouth" again is a bit repetitive. Granted, I usually have an eye for stuff like that and can be more critical of it than others, but still. Not sure why, but as I was reading through this I felt like I was reading the same words over again a couple times. I checked through the piece, and you didn't repeat much, but I still got that feeling. Not sure what the cause for that is, but yeah.

It might be because the way you started every sentence was a bit predictable. Forgive me if I missed one, but most of your sentences (or lines that follow the semicolon - I'm not sure what they're called, to be completely honest) started with "hope" "it" or "she knew." While, again, your imagery is great, the lack of variety in the way you begin every sentence sort of dulled everything down. It's like eating off of the finest china in the world... with plastic forks. (Bucket list, right there.)

The last thing to mention tonight is the final stanza. The sentences seemed to run on and on compared to the rest of the piece... they were definitely longer, I believe. Perhaps you like it that way, I dunno. Just something for you to look at and take into consideration, then. Or not even consideration. You know what I mean.

So, that wasn't really line-picking. More of a "in general" kind of thing. But it's a review, it's a review. Again, major (said that four times now, I think. ugh.) improvement from the original, and in my opinion, completely AWESOME compared to the original. A fine piece of work, indeed. You are a pen's best friend, my friend.

This is a very good piece, to say the least. I love how you personified hope, and your imagination, your imagery, is astounding.

You made two versions of the same poem, replacing the older one with a newer one. The old version is substantially less detailed than the newer one, yet I do not agree with my other fellow critiques that it is a major improvement on the old one. Personally, I am a bigger fan of the older one.

Detail is great. It brings more meaning, a better understanding of a subject.With more detail, you were explain, personify, hope for the masses, so that they understood and are able to relate.
But with detail, your poem started to feel a little long-winded. There was art in it, yes, and not to mention quite a beautiful flow to it too, yet for me, the older version was better as it was short and sweet. But that's just me.

Also, about your flow. Overall, it is nearly perfect. But honestly, I hate it when people put a full stop in the middle of a line. It breaks the flow.

Heyy

I think this new piece is definately better than the old one.

I really like the lines :

It yearned to be free, to be exhaled into the world
and kissed the inside of her mouth, asking with grace,
but, she kept it close and ignored the tickle of its whispers.
She knew the hardened hearts of men and the cruelty with which
they would break hope’s fragile wings.

These are the best and I love the way yo write - Keep it up xx

Hey,

Ugh. How do you write so awesome-like. It's really not fair how talented you are. I really like this piece and I do think that the first version is much better. Your descriptions were on key and the imagery was fantastic. Only line I didn't like:
'It yearned to be free, to be exhaled into the world'.

Favorite Line: 'hope painted the chambers of her heart and the corridors of her veins,'

Grade: A

~Jas

Very few things in life cause me to hold my breath in anticipation. I am pleased to tell you that this poem was one of those few things. The wording you use and the imagery you paint in my mind is almost thrilling! Reading about hope painting the chambers of her heart and the corridors of her veins, well, I can honestly say that I felt that within myself. It takes a strong writer to be able to recreate real emotion in a reader. I really really love reading your pieces, and I hope you keep it up! Great job!

I actually really liked both, although if I had to pick, I would say that the rewritten one is better. You did a drastic improvement on it, and the poem is amazing! Great job! Sorry, but I don't really have any other comments.