Silent Sentinel

Hey,

This is the second piece of yours I've reviewed of yours and i've think i'm understanding your style.

You write with a lot of emotion. It is jam packed and really beautifully put! However, you do not have the imagery balance right, in my eyes. If you read the other piece of yours I review and have a look at the imagery suggestion I think the same can be simply applied her as well!

However, a compliment! Your emotion is beautiful and is some of the best i've seen so for the love of all thing llama don't stop! I think if you tried a few more poetic techniques and a bit more imagery they would be astounding!

Keep up the good work!
PM me for anything!

~Retro Disco666

brokeninpieces wrote:

Cold , alone, she stood like a silent sentinel. Superb imagery.
Unwavering, she looked at them as they left her. You started off the last line with the exact same pattern ((adjective), (comma), she (verb)....) It sounds a bit odd. And how about instead of the generic word "looked" you use "glared," or "gazed?"
To them, she looked cold and uncaring. I thought they were walking away. Now they can see her?
What they couldn’t see; was that with every step that carried them away with her, it was the thing that most destroyed her. Take the semicolon out between "see" and "was," and then put a comma between "away" and "with," just so that it's not just one long confusing run-on.

Frozen, in shock, she stood until she couldn’t even see their little dots in the distance.
Tears, she wouldn’t let come, stood in the corner of her eyes, waiting for any sign of weakness. Take away the comma between "tears" and "she." Think of another word for "weakness" as well: it's not the most original of words.
Left alone, with no one to see, she finally said goodbye to the little girl she used to be.
Finally said goodbye to her dreams and faced reality. Great last two lines.

This is a spectacular little poem. You do a commendable job of capturing the imagery and the lonely atmosphere. Just the first line sets the scene, and you reinforce it throughout. Excellent work.

-Kafka

I really liked this poem. It struck me as well made and was easy to relate to. I like the last two lines and their rhyming, it added a little zest (I know) to the poem.

Left alone, with no one to see, she finally said goodbye to the little girl she used to be.
Finally said goodbye to her dreams and faced reality.

I really enjoyed reading this and hope that you can get inspiration like this from everything in your life.

nice writing....and i liked the last 2 lines and how they ryhmed. hehehe lol hope you keep writing, amanda.....


(AND IF ANYONE MAKES FUN OF ANY WRONGLY SPELLED WORDS OR PUNCTUATION AND CAPTULIZATION MISTAKES IM GONNA BE VERY UPSET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Thank you everyone, and thank you for the good advice. I write a lot of my poetry off of things that happened to me, or I just pretend I'm that person and try feel how they would. This really happened to me, so it means a lot to me that you like it. When I said she looked cold to them, it was just before they left, I had pretty much a pokerface on. I don't like to show my emotions that well, instead I write them out.

I love this so much. When reflecting on my past, I sometimes come across this poem. It's sad. Your work is beautiful.

Thanks Annie! I really appreciate it, this poem means a lot to me, so thank you for liking it.