The Garden of Your Heart

Your name rolls off my tongue,
Gliding gracefully into the air
Like a flower unfurling
Its petals.

Your dark hair is woven
Into tightly spun
Curls
and waves.
It moves like the grass
On a breezy day.

Your eyes speak of autumn,
Rings of brown and green
Like leaves watching their brothers
Fall to the ground.

Your smile brings me warmth,
The summer sun
On a hot August day.
I do not seek solace under a tree,
Or a dip in cool water.
I bask in the light,
Watching as it throws shadows
Across the lawn.

You can whisper your words,
Or call them out joyfully,
Like the wind through the trees
And bushes.

I watch your garden from afar,
Daring myself to open the gate,
Yet only taking a step inside.
But, if you were to call to me,
Take my hand and guide me,
We could spend the seasons
Together.
Two flowers held together
By a single stem.

Your name rolls off my tongue,
Gliding gracefully into the air, I don't know about this line. How about putting a semicolon instead of a comma on the line before, and then starting this off with "it." I think that that might make it clearer what the subject is.
Like a flower unfurling
Its petals. Readers are still caught up in the beauty of the previous line, and for this reason this one is a bit confusing.

Your dark hair is woven
Into tightly spun
Curls
and waves.
It moves like the grass
On a breezy day. Great stanza. I like every line of it.

Your eyes speak of autumn,
Rings of brown and green When I think of autumn, I do not think of "green." That's more of a summer or spring color.
Like leaves watching their brothers "Brothers" may not be the best word here. How about "kin," or even "kingdom?" Just a couple alternatives you should consider.
Fall to the ground.

Your smile brings me warmth,
The summer sun
On a hot August day. See, you were just describing her as autumn-y, and now you're saying August. I'm a tad bit confused at this point. Could just be me.
I do not seek solace under a tree,
Or a dip in cool water. I like this line.
I bask in the light,
Watching as it throws shadows Stick to bright, sunny words in this stanza. "Shadow" kills the feeling.
Across the lawn.

You can whisper your words,
Or call them out joyfully,
Like the wind through the trees Consider taking out both of the "the"'s in this line.
And bushes.

I watch your garden from afar,
Daring myself to open the gate,
Yet only taking a step inside. What? I thought you were outside the gate.
But, if you were to call to me,
Take my hand and guide me,
We could spend the seasons
Together.
Two flowers held together Too many "together"'s.
By a single stem.

Great poem. You have a gift with metaphors and imagery. Excellent work!

-Kafka

cjscoot wrote:Your name rolls off my tongue,
Gliding gracefully into the air
Like a flower unfurling
Its petals.

Your dark hair is woven
Into tightly spun
Curls
and waves,
moving like the grass
On a breezy day.

Your eyes speak of autumn,
Rings of brown and green I'd try finding better descriptive words, right here.
Like leaves watching their brothers
Fall to the ground. Love the imagery in this stanza.

Your smile brings me warmth;
The summer sun Very common (almost over used) phrase. -_-
On a hot August day. Weak word choice.
I do not seek solace under a tree,
Or a dip in cool water.
I bask in the light,
Watching as it throws shadows
Across the lawn.

You can whisper your words,
Or call them out joyfully,
Like the wind through the trees
And bushes. this last line doesn't really sound like it fits. The first three are great, though.

I watch your garden from afar,
Daring myself to open the gate,
Yet only taking a step inside.
But, if you were to call to me,
Take my hand and guide me,
We could spend the seasons
Together.
Two flowers held together
By a single stem. Love these last lines.

Sorry for the lame review. Overall, I enjoyed the piece. You have pretty good imagery, especially for being so simply put in most of the poem. The word choice in this wasn't very strong in my opinion, but then again, like I said, it's a simple piece. Too much diction would probably destroy it... though it may help if you add just a little more. I bolded some of the words/lines that stuck out, though I could have missed some. Anyway. Just a suggestion, of course. Great work, and keep it up!

I liked this A LOT. Great piece of work. The only thing that I would suggest to work on would be rhythm. Just wasn't feeling it :/. My suggestion: see if there's any word(s) that you can take out of each line to try and keep a steady syllable beat. But otherwise the imagery was, excuse the pun, very poetic ^.^