My Miracle.

I was completely lost for words when I felt my feet lift off the ground.
I knew I had dreams about this happening and they felt SO felt, never did I ever think they were really happening. But I swear, I had to be awake this time because this time I didn't end up back in my bed. Nope, this time I actually didn't make it back home. I just landed back on the grass with a rather loud thud and stayed there, completely in all shock. I had these dreams all the time, whereas I was floating or flying above something with a complete feeling of bliss, although the dreams didn't feel like dreams at all. I could actually feel the breeze that went through me, I could smell the sweet aroma of just mowed grass. Does this mean ALL my dreams were true? it couldn't possibly be.... but now I was doubting all reality as a whole. I had no idea if this was all really all happening but a part of me wanted it to be true. I was so sick and tired of being the ghost no one took notice of. Now maybe I have something that makes special. Either that or I'm just plain insane.

With ear phones in my ears, I walked back to my classes and knew my friends would be shocked if they heard this. That is, they would be if I had any friends. The others kids think I'm a freak, basically. I don't know why, they just do. If you're at all a little different in this world, you are out casted and pushed aside. That was my experience with every school I'd ever gone too. No, I don't move a lot, I've actually never moved house at all. It's the schools I jump from, I jump from one to the next hoping something better will come out of it - nothing usually does. Atleast though, in this case of mine I wasn't getting tormented, just ignored. I shook my head as a flash back of the bullying came back, silently I questioned why it even happened, even though I'd never get an answer. Though, at the moment I was feeling like I wanted them to notice me, even if that ment tormenting me. I was kind of glad when the bell finally rang for music class. My only place where I could feel myself. I stood over the only piano in my tiny room, the entire room was covered in a light moss green carpet, even the walls. The roof was cream with cracks in the corners, even a home for moths too. It was a lonely room, with me, the only one inside. I was always alone with the piano, no one else really wanted to be teamed with me anyway. I just played my own pieces and sang at the top of my lungs, I didn't care anymore. My voice soared as I hit the notes higher and stronger, I felt at home within myself for once. I imagined a crowd of people clapping for more so I did sing more, louder this time not caring if any of the other kids heard me. Slowly I noticed my shoes lifting off the ground ever so softly. I kept going never the less as I was smiling now with my eyes closed, singing my shy heart out. But as I did so, the door opened a tad with an orange haired girl staring up at me. I stopped singing and fell splat onto the floor straight away. Her big hazel eyes glared at me in such a suprised manner, even I was afraid. I got up and fixed my hair, trying not to look too socially awkward.

"Micah right?" She said, breathing heavy, her little eyes trying hard to look straight up at me. She was so tiny and cute, barely even 5 foot.
"I-I am Micah. I mean, my name is Micah yeah. I'm sorry did I sing too loud or did the piano sound shitty?" I said as quickly as I possibly could. I then noticed I hadn't seen her before.
She took a deep breath and scanned the room. Not much to see either then two broken chairs, a guitar missing a string and a graffitied up music text book. "I'm new.... The teacher told me to team up with you." She smiled at me, the rose in her cheeks shining. I couldn't help but smile as she smiled so cutely at me. Then I remembered she saw me flying. But why hadn't she ran out yet? Maybe if I didn't speak at all she wouldn't ask. I continued to play and end up showing her the chords of the piano. She smiled and told me to step aside as she played. I was stunned that she played so well. The lonely green room no longer had the same misery it did before. Now the green seemed lush and bright, the clutter everywhere seemed homey, everything seemed.... so different. I ended up singing in harmony with her, my voice so high it blared out and her voice sounded so shrill, almost like an angel with that feeling you get when you see a miracle. Then I realised. She must have been my miracle because I had never smiled at school like this in almost two years.


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I'm sorry, I tend to hold back on purpose in case I do TOO much haha.
Is it any better? I hope o.O

Hidey-ho, I am here to review!

First off: love the idea. Love the bits of magical realism going on. A person with no friends finding one is a favourite topic for me (been in that situation - moving to a different country with a different language tends to have that effect). I would love to read more of this if you turn this into a novel. That being said, here are a few points of constructive criticism.

Actually, there's really just one point. This story feels rushed, and you don't really go in-depth on anything. For instance, it was surprising when the MC casually mentions having no friends and never coming that to that point after that. Also, as much effort as you put in to the piano scene, it just didn't feel that effective: when she walks in, I would have wanted to see textbooks forgotten by students, the lonely streaks of light coming from the windows because no one bothered to turn the lights on, an aforementioned streak of light shining down on the piano (ok, maybe not that last bit, that's just way too cheesy), and so on. Just so we're on the same page: I am not raving about show vs tell. Both are viable, but what I want to do is *feel*, I don't care whether I see or hear the content, what matters is I want to feel it. Going by nothing but the general subject of the story, you're going to have lots of opportunities to really make your readers feel, and it would be awesome to see you take them.

Aside from that, excellent job. If you have the motivation to write, I urge you to ignore my advice. Write, write, write, all the way until you have written a novel with a beginning, a middle, and an end. Doesn't matter what the scenes are - heck, you could just replace a description of a piano with [DESCRIPTION OF PIANO HERE], just write and don't stop. When you're done, go back and make every scene as beautiful, as emotional, and as personal as you desire. That would make for a very good novel.

Your servant,
cC

Hi there!

First off the first line:

"I was completely smacked for words...."

I think re-phrasing that line would make it seem less.....Awkward.

Also, she has no friends? Elaborate. Why hasn't she got no friends?

She's playing the piano, and all of sudden I find out that she can fly?
Everything is happening so fast, and it all seems to blur for the reader.

Create a good character persona and emotions. And have a clear direction when writing.

You have to have passion and love for writing. If you don't like what you write, then how are the people who read your work going to react.?

First step is to be proud of what you do. And think of what you can achieve.

Don't be ashamed of your writing.

Okay hope I helped. Keep going!

~ T.K

Don't stop writing!!! This has potential, but as the others have said, it is way too rushed. I'm like confuseled! lol! I would love to read the rest of this though, so you'd better finish it!

Hi there. Lavvi in to review.

There are a few things I'd like to address about this short piece. First of all, you have some pretty awkward sentences. I'm not going to go through them all because I think you can do that yourself. It's simple to find those [awkward] sentences. If you read your writing out, you'll find the sentences almost immediately. I always say that, as a writer, you should read things out. Usually you'll find errors that originally you wouldn't have noticed.

Second of all, I was lost almost right away. I think this is partly due to the awkward sentences. Again, perhaps reading aloud will help.

Now. I should tell you that you should never be ashamed of your writing. You must be confident in order to pursue your dreams in it and progress with it. Without the confidence of your writing, you cannot improve because, really, you're limiting yourself. Never, ever be ashamed of your writing. Don't give up, because practice makes perfect. Sometimes the shortest pieces of writing can be the best. There're tons of short short stories out there that are very good

Once you revise this, I'd love to read it!

Lavvi

I agree with carbonCore. The story seems a little rushed. I love the creativity and the surprises. But I want to know about this girl. Why is she shy? What's her history? Is she always this way? What dreams? It's these types of questions that just drive me crazy. I would like to know this girl and what her story really is. How'd she get this way? Anyways, really good and really nice. Fun to read and interesting. Write more on it and revise a little bit, let the characters grow. Good job.

Hello MikaFreak123! I have a few things I can comment on regarding your story, but please know that these are some very subjective observations - more than telling you what to do with your text, I'd like to tell you how I felt reading it.

I rushed through the first paragraphs because I didn't particularly enjoy having the narrator describing in such detail how a certain event affected him/her* so much when I have no idea what that event is. I had to finish the story and go back at the beginning to understand the meaning of those initial words.

The first sentence does, however, work wonders as a "hook"; something to grab the reader's attention, to raise our interest and curiosity. It also has a hint of surrealism, of something magical perhaps, and that works very well in the beginning. The imagery of landing on the grass is also very interesting.

As for the rest of the story, there are a few details that could be improved. For instance, I never understood why did the narrator have no friend, or had such an inaptitude that lead to several school changes - I see that this is partly due to the bullying, but can a student move from so many schools? The other aspect I'd like to focus on is the meeting between Micah and the girl; this is my favourite part:

I couldn't help but smile as she smiled so cutely at me. Then I remembered she saw me flying.

I think that's just lovely - you have already approached this flying at the beginning, so I really liked to see it again during the meeting scene.

Overall, you have developed a concept in here and I'd like to see how your writing evolves in terms of "opening" and showing your concepts so that they flourish beautifully, in the midst of your metaphors and descriptions - I hope this makes sense!

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions about my observations. Keep writing!

- V

*I wrote "him/her" because I wasn't able to understand from your story if the narrator was a male or a female. Previous reviewers seem to classify the narrator as a female, but I honestly didn't get that information from the text.

I love the Idea although, as others have said, you seem to rush to the piano scene. There is a lack of description in other areas the main one being the main character. I diddn't feel very connected to the character which is essential if you want to make the reader feel the moment. Otherwise good idea just more detail in those important areas.

You should extend this and make it into a book!