A Little Boulder (Bolder)

Faith...don't let me drown,
in this ocean of pain.

I want two legs...two hands.
I want a tongue...I want teeth.
I want freedom to move...and freedom to sing.

I need eyes...cause I can't see the stars,
or the children playing on the grass,
or the trees covered in snow,
or the newborn rabbits playing with their mums.

I can feel...oh yes...
I can feel the biting cold,
the raging heat,
and the soft breeze.

Nothing hurts me...I don't know pain.
What is that word
that begins with P
and what does it mean?

Love...

I love my world.
But I want to live in theirs,
the humans...
the humans world.

Can't I have the chance to run?
To dance...
to sit...
to walk?

Arms would open wide,
I'd be safe and warm,
finally where I truly...
belonged.

I don't want to live
on the ground anymore.
The worms tickle my belly...
and the bugs make me shiver.

I don't want to be a boulder...
not anymore...

please...

Faith...just let me live,
one day in their world.

Just one...

Just one day...

Interersing! Is it actually about a boulder or is it a metaphor for something else? I couldn't quite work that out haha.

emmylou1995 wrote:Courage...don't leave me.

Heart...don't falter now.

I'm not sure if you've ever seen the movie Anastasia, or heard the song "Journey to the Past" but these first few lines are a lot like the first few lines in that song, which goes "Heart, don't fail me now, courage, don't desert me," And those lines would probably sound perfectly fine to someone who hasn't heard that song, to me it seems like you tried and (sorry) kinda failed to change them ever so slightly. I would use something different. In fact I don't know whether you need them at all, to me they don't really fit into the rest of the poem. But of course I could be completely wrong!

Other than that I liked the poem, great job!

Hmm, this to me seemed a little rushed and not really taken into idea. But that's alright, writing is rewriting. I did however like some of the flow. But to me, it seemed like lacking some strength in emotion as such. It also seemed kind of dead if that makes any sense? Like I read it and I still didn't feel anything. That is also, just me. Keep on writing.

Hope that helps in anyway possible.

xxxx

Is it really about a boulder? Well, either way, it's really good. XD

HA!! You did the boulder poem! I love you!
(This isn't really a review, but I definitely liked it. )

Thanks everyone! Yes, this really is about a boulder. It was fun and kind of hard to write. I'm glad you guys like it.

I liked it, and it's definitely a unique idea, but there's one other Anastasia-sounding verse:

Arms would open wide,
I'd be safe and warm,
finally where I truly...
belonged.

Just like "Arms will open wide/I'll be safe and wanted/finally home where I belong."

I definitely love that song, but with such an original poem you want to keep it sounding original!

Otherwise, I thought it was great. Good job.

~Blue

Haha I liked this, and I LOVED that it is actually about a boulder!!!

This line kinda threw me off...is the "P word" supposed to be pain? It was probably just me, but I had to go back and read it before I caught that.

Nothing hurts me...I don't know pain.
What is that word
that begins with P
and what does it mean?

Hey! I thought this was pretty cute, especially the little boulder having its belly tickled by worms. The only thing that I didn't like it was all the dots... Because to me it makes you sound a bit unsure of yourself or something, and I don't see the point in them being there. And I think there are other things that don't need to be there, for example, "What is that word/that begins with P/and what does it mean?" Do you really need to say it begins with P? Rocks can't spell! Mind you, they can't speak or read or write either so I don't suppose we should be too literal. But I mean, every single word and line should add something to your poem, and I'm not sure that that one does. Apart from that, I think it's very cute and original. Good job!

Happy Review Day! Ah, the boulder contest

I like this piece, though it's sad, you've done really well in capturing the emotions of an inanimate object.

The main thing that stands out to me is that it has little structure. It seems more like strings of words or phrases. Some of them fit together, but most are just drifting. You need to make it more solid. The easiest way to do this would be simply to combine verses to make lines, and have fewer, more condenced verses.

Hope this helps.

'I want to be where the people are... up where they walk, up they run, up where they stay all day in the-'

oh wait, that's from the little mermaid.

Haha. Great poem about a boulder (LOL) but i don't think it needed all those commas. It would have flowed better without them. Sometimes, pauses aren't good, sometimes they are.

Well that was a truly intriguing and amusing poem. The boulder wanting to be human haha. It worked out marvelous lols. Good descriptions and it made me think back to my english teacher who was like Santiago believes the fish in The Old Man and the Sea has feelings! LOLS I loved this and can't wait for more!!! Good luck and Happy Writing!!!!!!!! Keep up the good work!!!!!!!
Soulkana<33