Metal Hearts - Chapter 1

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 922
Reviews 49
Warning- very long Chapter 1.

Read this after the story. It's pronunciation.
Spoiler
Pronunciation
Mikael (Mik-ah-el)
Johana (Jo-han-ah)
Rikah (Reek-ahh)
Fresia- (Free-si-ah)
Katia- (ka-ti-ah)
Genoa (Jen-o-ah)



My back hit the cool, brick wall. I glanced to my side- there was no escaping the beasts that lurked around me.

"People are stupid. So stupid. They don't even compute in my brain. They walk right into traps." The girl drawled as she walked closer to me.

"Can't you just kill her now, Mikael?" The man to my left sighed.

"It's not good to play with food. Especially live food. It can escape." The man to my right said. The girl looked up and laughed evilly.

"Escape us, Johana?" She asked. She walked up to me and touched my neck.

"I can feel her energy." She said. In a flash, I was pushed to the ground.

"Leave her alone, Mikael." A voice from the shadows commanded. She didn't even look up.

"Protecting the weak again, are we, Rikah?" She asked. "You and your scum of a clan?"

"They're not scum." The mystery man, Rikah, growled. A man emerged. He was about 16- my age. He was white, but I could barely see him in the alley's shadow from the outside world. Black hair jutted out in uneven spikes, from what I could see. His eyes were an alarming, glowing white that pierced though the darkness.

The man on my left growled like a big cat. Without a single word, he charged at Rikah. They dove into fighting. Three others emerged from the shadows- two girls and a boy. I angrily wiped tears from my face so I could see.

The boy and one girl charged the other creatures. Form the way they fought, hesitant to even touch each other, I could see they were far from human species. The other girl rushed up to me.

"Did they touch you?" She whispered. I nodded, crying. "Where?" I mentioned to my neck and my stomach. She slowly pulled my shirt, just above the belly-button. A black hand mark was there, standing up against my white body.

"Let's get away from here." She said. I looked back- my saviors were faring badly.

"Fresia- get her out of here!" The first boy, Rikah, commanded. She nodded.

'Sorry about this... I don't want to hurt you.. but..." She tried to grab only parts of me where there was clothes. She slung me across her back, before taking off running into the shadows. She screamed something in a language I'd never heard of.

Something roared in the distance.

"We're going to ride on a creature you've never seen before- don't get scared. He's a vegetarian, and my trusted... uh, mount, I guess you would say." Fresia said. I nodded, my tears streaming behind me. She wasn't human either. No human could run this fast.

We emerged outside in the forest. Rays of desperate sunshine barely reached under the trees. In the very distance, i could see a huge creature. It was sort of like an ape, but completely black and white. It was also hairless. It sat down with giant fists on the floor. We were close to him - was she going to run through him? She wasn't slowing in the least. Like a monkey herself, she jumped up onto his back. "Yanghai!" She screamed. The ape took off through the forest in giant strides.

Gently, she took me off of her back, letting me scoot away from her.

"I'm Fresia. Sorry we had to meet under such crude conditions."

"W- where are we going? What are you?"

"We're going away from their clan's territorial lines." She left my second question unanswered.

"What are they? Why did you save me?"

"You needed to be saved. We just moved into town." She explained. "You're going to meet our clan- and once we get our scent off of you- you're going back home like this never happened. You're telling no one."

"A-alright." I managed to stutter. I looked back. There were two more of the beasts. Rikah rode on one, and the other two rode on the other one. Another creature was gaining onto Fresia's beast.

"Fresia? " I asked. "Do you know about... that... thing?" I asked. The other creature seemed to be a huge lizard- and an angry Mikael rode on top of it. She glanced behind me.

"We've got trouble!" She screamed to the other two.

"Get her out of here! I don't care if you touch her- just get her away!" Rikah commanded. Fresia nodded. She grabbed me by the shoulders.

"I'm really sorry- I'll get there before you fall." Wait- what?

Before I could ask, She was standing on the beast with me in her grasp. like I was only a baseball, and threw me through a break in the trees.

"No!" I heard Mikael scream. The spot on my shoulder - where Fresia touched me - felt like it was frozen over. The spot on my stomach, though, felt like it was burning now. If I could only get them to touch- But that's impossible, isn't it? I'm not super-awesome or whatever like they are.

Obviously, with instinct, I screamed as I soared through the air like a shooting star. I looked down. I was VERY high. Too high. The air was thin- I could barely breath.

"Hang in there!" I heard a voice thunder. It sounded like Rikah. but it couldn't be- he was all the way down there.

I suddenly began my descent. I was on the verge of fainting.

"Damn it! You threw her too high, Fresia!" I heard another voice boom. A male one- probably the other guy.

"Excuse me! I was balancing, there's not much I could do!" Fresia's voice yelled. "Just hand in there, you'll be alright. See, she's falling now. She's breathing."

It was true. Now that I was lower, I could breath better. I inhaled and exhaled in jagged breaths. Only one though ran through my head- I'm going to fall. I'm going to die.

I got closer and closer to the ground. God, please let Fresia catch me like she said she would-

A pair of arms touched my back and my bottom. I was close to crashing- and now, here I am, being sped away. I looked around to see to other boy- not Rikah. He gave me a huge, self-pleased grin. he stopped running, placing me gently on the ground. I stumbled, coughing. A different hand grabbed me- Rikah. He didn't even look down.

Mikal and the two others stood just feet away. As much as they wished, it seemed they couldn't pass the line.

"You may have won the battle, but you'll lose the war." She spat. She gave me a crazed grin. 'We'll meet again, girlie, I swear." With a growl, she turned away and ran.

Everyone stared at me.

"What are you?" I demanded. "You run like freaking jaguars and you try not to touch me- where you do, it's as cold as Hell."

"Not here." Rikah said. he stared at me- he didn't stop staring directly at my eyes. Everyone looked at him now. He seemed to be the leader.

"What now? If we bring her back, the elders-" Fresia began.

"I'm quite aware of our punishment, Fresia. The best thing to do is to take her to Wealtembourg."

"Our clan house? There is only one room. Aren't humans used to sleeping on beds?" The second guy asked. He looked over at me. "I'm Josiah."

"I'm Katia." The other girl said.

"Isn't that a Russian name?" I asked her.

"Yes. I am Russian." Now that I looked at her, I could see it- the blond hair to the shoulders and blue eyes.

"It's the bets move. Even if the Elders find out, they can't punish us if we're on our own turf while we help her." Rikah said.

"When we're there, will you tell me what you are?" I asked. They all gave me a resounding glare that obviously meant no. "But you guys won't hurt me like they tried to, right?"

That got a small laugh from them.

"Listen- what's your name, anyways?" Katia asked me.

"My name? Dea."

"Well, Dea, we're not going to hurt you. Our lives are devoted to rescuing people like you."

"Then why do I have to stay with you?"

"Unnatural burns and frostbite in California? That's a bit strange. And no one can find out about us. WE trust you won't tell?"

"Of course, Katia. How far is this place, anyway?"

"Not far for us- but when we have a passenger it slows us down. it shouldn't be too long."

______________________________________________________________________________________________________

It was three hours past sundown when we arrived at a small, nice-looking cottage. By short ride, they meant a few hours. It felt weird, being carried by Josiah. He was definitely the strongest, and the most masculine.With Short, wavy blond hair to the shoulders and green eyes, he was definetally cute. he knew it- always flirting with Fresia, with short black and brown hair with brown eyes.

Then Rikah.

he was just secluded from the entire group, mostly as they ran. He and Josiah took turns carrying me, but he never spoke. Josiah already heard half of the fairytale I know, listening as if he's never heard them.

We walked inside of the cabin. It was cozy, with a wooden fireplace, wooden chairs, and even a tiger skin rug.

"Nice little space." I admitted.

"There's food in the kitchen. Help yourself. Genoa!" Fresia hollered. A girl my age walked up. Like a dramatic scene in a romance movie, the girl and Rikah kissed.

"They're.." i asked Katia.

"An on and off thing." She whispered back. Genoa seemed to be too ugly for Rikah. She had fiery red hair to the shoulders and brown eyes with freckles dotting her face.

"Who is that?" She demanded, pointing to me like I was a dirty trash bag. 'lunch?"

"Genoa, we never... you know..." She glanced over to me. "harm humans. She was cornered by Mikael and her gang. We had to help."

"Where is it going to sleep?"

"I'll sleep on the floor." I said. They all gazed at me. 'If you want." I added hurridly.

"She's going to sleep on the bed temporarily before we can get a new one." Rikah deemed. Genoa stared.

"But honey... that's our bed!" She exclaimed.

"It's only temporary. We'll get a mattress tomorrow for her. She'll need her rest- Humans don't do nearly as much as we do daily." He said.

"I can try to keep up- I'm the best in my P.E class."

"P.E?" Josiah asked.

"Physical Education." I explained. "Running and sports."

"You should go to bed now. best to get a bunch of rest." Fresia said.

"It's getting late." I admitted. "Sleep would probably me good." Rikah nodded. "It's right up the stairs." She said.

I walked up the wooden staircase, very aware of the eyes following me. The bed was nice and cozy. I snuggled up on it and immediately went to sleep.
"Fantasy is a way of looking through the wrong end of the telescope."

"The writer who breeds more words than he needs is making a chore for the reader who reads!"

~Dr.Seuss.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2109
Reviews 21
Ello MilkNCookies! :D (Love the name!) I will review your story this fine day :P Spelling corrections will be in red, the original text in italics, questions will be in blue, the sentence I'm questioning in bold, and things I just liked in general in green! :D

My back hit the cool, brick wall. I glanced to my side- there was no escaping the beasts that lurked around me.

"People are stupid. So stupid. They don't even compute in my brain. They walk right into traps." The girl drawled as she walked closer to me.

"Can't you just kill her now, Mikael?" The man to my left sighed.

"It's not good to play with food. Especially live food. It can escape." The man to my right said. The girl looked up and laughed evilly.

"Escape us, Johana?" She asked. She walked up to me and touched my neck.

"I can feel her energy." She said. In a flash, I was pushed to the ground.

"Leave her alone, Mikael." A voice from the shadows commanded. She didn't even look up.

"Protecting the weak again, are we, Rikah?" She asked. "You and your scum of a clan?"

"They're not scum." The mystery man, Rikah, growled. A man emerged. He was about 16- my age. He was white, but I could barely see him in the alley's shadow from the outside world<---I confused. What do you mean "outside world"? Are they inside?. Black hair jutted out in uneven spikes, from what I could see. His eyes were an alarming, glowing white that pierced though the darkness.

The man on my left growled like a big cat. Without a single word, he charged at Rikah. They dove into fighting. Three others emerged from the shadows- two girls and a boy. I angrily wiped tears from my face so I could see.

The boy and one girl charged the other creatures. Form the way they fought, hesitant to even touch each other, I could see they were far from human species. The other girl rushed up to me.<--This caught my attention. I'm a victim to the mention creatures :P

"Did they touch you?" She whispered. I nodded, crying. "Where?" I mentioned to my neck and my stomach. She slowly pulled my shirt, just above the belly-button. A black hand mark was there, standing up against my white body.

"Let's get away from here." She said. I looked back- my saviors were faring badly.

"Fresia- get her out of here!" The first boy, Rikah, commanded. She nodded.

'Sorry about this... I don't want to hurt you.. but..." She tried to grab only parts of me where there was clothes. She slung me across her back, before taking off running into the shadows. She screamed something in a language I'd never heard of.

Something roared in the distance.

"We're going to ride on a creature you've never seen before- don't get scared. He's a vegetarian, and my trusted... uh, mount, I guess you would say." Fresia said. I nodded, my tears streaming behind me. She wasn't human either. No human could run this fast. <---Is the world the main character lives in use to creatures? Because if not, she doesn't seem afraid.

We emerged outside in the forest. Rays of desperate sunshine barely reached under the trees. In the very distance, i Forgot to capitalize :P could see a huge creature. It was sort of like an ape, but completely black and white. It was also hairless. It sat down with giant fists on the floor. We were close to him - was she going to run through him? She wasn't slowing in the least. Like a monkey herself, she jumped up onto his back. "Yanghai!" She screamed. The ape took off through the forest in giant strides.

Gently, she took me off of her back, letting me scoot away from her.

"I'm Fresia. Sorry we had to meet under such crude conditions."

"W- where are we going? What are you?"

"We're going away from their clan's territorial lines." She left my second question unanswered.

"What are they? Why did you save me?"

"You needed to be saved. We just moved into town." She explained. "You're going to meet our clan- and once we get our scent off of you- you're going back home like this never happened. You're telling no one."

"A-alright." I managed to stutter. I looked back. There were two more of the beasts. Rikah rode on one, and the other two rode on the other one. Another creature was gaining onto Fresia's beast.

"Fresia? " I asked. "Do you know about... that... thing?" I asked. The other creature seemed to be a huge lizard- and an angry Mikael rode on top of it. She glanced behind me.

"We've got trouble!" She screamed to the other two.

"Get her out of here! I don't care if you touch her- just get her away!" Rikah commanded. Fresia nodded. She grabbed me by the shoulders.

"I'm really sorry- I'll get there before you fall." Wait- what?

Before I could ask, She was standing on the beast with me in her grasp. like Capitalize the "L"I was only a baseball, and threw me through a break in the trees.

"No!" I heard Mikael scream. The spot on my shoulder - where Fresia touched me - felt like it was frozen over. The spot on my stomach, though, felt like it was burning now. If I could only get them to touch- But that's impossible, isn't it? I'm not super-awesome or whatever like they are. <---This seems out of place.

Obviously, with instinct, I screamed as I soared through the air like a shooting star. I looked down. I was VERY high. Too high. The air was thin- I could barely breath.

"Hang in there!" I heard a voice thunder. It sounded like Rikah. but it couldn't be- he was all the way down there.

I suddenly began my descent. I was on the verge of fainting.

"Damn it! You threw her too high, Fresia!" I heard another voice boom. A male one- probably the other guy.

"Excuse me! I was balancing, there's not much I could do!" Fresia's voice yelled. "Just hand in there, you'll be alright. See, she's falling now. She's breathing."

It was true. Now that I was lower, I could breath better. I inhaled and exhaled in jagged breaths. I would think breathing would be hard while you're falling. Ever faced the direction of a strong gust of wind and try to breath? Only one though ran through my head- I'm going to fall. I'm going to die.

I got closer and closer to the ground. God, please let Fresia catch me like she said she would-

A pair of arms touched my back and my bottom. I was close to crashing- and now, here I am, being sped away. I looked around to see to other boy- not Rikah. He gave me a huge, self-pleased grin. he stopped running, placing me gently on the ground. I stumbled, coughing. A different hand grabbed me- Rikah. He didn't even look down.

Mikal and the two others stood just feet away. As much as they wished, it seemed they couldn't pass the line.

"You may have won the battle, but you'll lose the war." She spat. She gave me a crazed grin. 'We'll meet again, girlie, I swear." With a growl, she turned away and ran.

Everyone stared at me.

"What are you?" I demanded. "You run like freaking jaguars and you try not to touch me- where you do, it's as cold as Hell."

"Not here." Rikah said. he stared at me- he didn't stop staring directly at my eyes. Everyone looked at him now. He seemed to be the leader.

"What now? If we bring her back, the elders-" Fresia began.

"I'm quite aware of our punishment, Fresia. The best thing to do is to take her to Wealtembourg."

"Our clan house? There is only one room. Aren't humans used to sleeping on beds?" The second guy asked. He looked over at me. "I'm Josiah."

"I'm Katia." The other girl said.

"Isn't that a Russian name?" I asked her.<---She seemed frighten, now she seems suddenly calm. Is she trying to calm her nerves by asking questions?

"Yes. I am Russian." Now that I looked at her, I could see it- the blond hair to the shoulders and blue eyes.

"It's the betsbest move. Even if the Elders find out, they can't punish us if we're on our own turf while we help her." Rikah said.

"When we're there, will you tell me what you are?" I asked. They all gave me a resounding glare that obviously meant no. "But you guys won't hurt me like they tried to, right?"

That got a small laugh from them.

"Listen- what's your name, anyways?" Katia asked me.

"My name? Dea."

"Well, Dea, we're not going to hurt you. Our lives are devoted to rescuing people like you."

"Then why do I have to stay with you?"

"Unnatural burns and frostbite in California? That's a bit strange. And no one can find out about us. WE trust you won't tell?"

"Of course, Katia. How far is this place, anyway?"

"Not far for us- but when we have a passenger it slows us down. it shouldn't be too long."

______________________________________________________________________________________________________

It was three hours past sundown when we arrived at a small, nice-looking cottage. By short ride, they meant a few hours. It felt weird, being carried by Josiah. He was definitely the strongest, and the most masculine.With Short, wavy blond hair to the shoulders and green eyes, he was definetally cute. he Capitalize the "H"knew it- always flirting with Fresia, with short black and brown hair with brown eyes.

Then Rikah.

he Capitalize the "H" was just secluded from the entire group, mostly as they ran. He and Josiah took turns carrying me, but he never spoke. Josiah already heard half of the fairytale I know, listening as if he's never heard them.

We walked inside of the cabin. It was cozy, with a wooden fireplace, wooden chairs, and even a tiger skin rug.

"Nice little space." I admitted.

"There's food in the kitchen. Help yourself. Genoa!" Fresia hollered. A girl my age walked up. Like a dramatic scene in a romance movie, the girl and Rikah kissed.

"They're.." i Capitalize the "I"asked Katia.

"An on and off thing." She whispered back. Genoa seemed to be too ugly for Rikah. She had fiery red hair to the shoulders and brown eyes with freckles dotting her face. <---Do I sense jealousy? XD

"Who is that?" She demanded, pointing to me like I was a dirty trash bag. 'lunch?" Quotation mark needed. Capitalize the "L"

"Genoa, we never... you know..." She glanced over to me. "harm humans. She was cornered by Mikael and her gang. We had to help."

"Where is it going to sleep?"

"I'll sleep on the floor." I said. They all gazed at me. 'If you want." I added hurridly. hurriedly

"She's going to sleep on the bed temporarily before we can get a new one." Rikah deemed. Genoa stared.

"But honey... that's our bed!" She exclaimed.

"It's only temporary. We'll get a mattress tomorrow for her. She'll need her rest- Humans don't do nearly as much as we do daily." He said.

"I can try to keep up- I'm the best in my P.E class."

"P.E?" Josiah asked.

"Physical Education." I explained. "Running and sports."

"You should go to bed now. best to get a bunch of rest." Fresia said.

"It's getting late." I admitted. "Sleep would probably me good." Rikah nodded. "It's right up the stairs." She said.

I walked up the wooden staircase, very aware of the eyes following me. The bed was nice and cozy. I snuggled up on it and immediately went to sleep.

The story was good, but it does need some work. There are parts that confuse me a lot, like the fact that she makes it seem like this "Kidnapping" was everyday thing. I also think it would be nice if you could describe the setting a bit more to give a better mental picture. Good job and keep it up! :D
“I write to give myself strength. I write to be the characters that I am not. I write to explore all the things I’m afraid of. ”―Joss Whedon

“If there’s a book that you want to read, but it hasn’t been written yet, then you must write it.”―Toni Morrison




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 790
Reviews 33
First thing that comes to mind: you need to write more of this. Don't leave us hanging here!

Okay, let's continue then

Apart from a large assortment of grammar issues (which can easily be fixed) there are other things that need to be mentioned!

First off, you introduce a large number of people all at once. I think, seven to nine people within the first chapter? It's hard to keep track of what's going on. It just leaves you going "Huh? What just happened there?" I would suggest expanding on it a bit (a lot) before moving on.

Secondly, what sort of a world is this? There are humans and...non humans? They seem to move around like humans, act like humans and speak like humans, what's different about them? Why do they hurt humans when they touch them? Where did they originate? Do ordinary people know about them? Why do Rikah and Fresia and Katia and Josiah and Genoa (cool names by the way, though this is an example of having too many people at once, stagger these things a bit) help humans at all? What's in it for them? Trust me when I say that there aren't many people who will do things for nothing. There must be a reason behind this.

Thirdly, clarify who's speaking. Most of the time I had no idea who was talking and only found out a few lines later.

Fourthly, (man, this is getting long) this comes out of nowhere. Dea goes from being mugged to being injured to being rescued to being chased to being in a house guarded by a lot of people. If that sentence was confusing, that's the point I'm trying to get across. A lot of sentences come out of nowhere too and you wonder "why would anyone ask that in this situation?"

It's a good idea but it needs some major work. Look it over, read it aloud, correct it and then show us again. We review to help you out!

~Blood
Who's ever name is written in this note shall die.
My allegiance is to L, the world's greatest detective.
But my twisted mind enjoys Kira's exploits.



Memories, left untranslated, can be disowned; memories untranslatable can become someone else’s story.
— YiYun Li