For Love

-Constructive criticism welcomed! =)-

I concede to be what you need from me;
Silent even though my lips still quiver.
As night dawns, the depth of me wishes to flee
Yet still as stone I secretly shiver.

It is not what they say it will become,
this feeble, fleeting emotion called love.
But we are diamond-eyed fools who succumb
To dear companionship or lack thereof.

How much is one woman willing to give,
for her fantasies of such deep yearning?
When will it be enough for her to live
As she is, no facade, no returning?

As foolish as I know it is, I do,
Not one shackle nor one chain can hold me.
For you, my bastard love, I will construe
A puppet grown of a different cree.

mystiquevander wrote:I concede to be what you need from me; Spectacular opening line!
Silent even though my lips still quiver. I don't particularly like your use of "even though." I think it would sound a little better if you just said "although."
As night dawns, the depths of me wishes to flee It should be "wish," since you're talking about plural "depths."
Yet still as stone I secretly shiver.

It is not what they say it will become, Great line.
this feeble, fleeting emotion called love. Lots of syllables in this line. I would just choose between "fleeting" and "feeble."
But we are diamond-eyed fools who succumb
To dear companionship or lack thereof.

How much is one woman willing to give,
for her fantasies of such deep yearning? This could be said better.
When will it be enough for her to live
As she is, no facade, no returning?

As foolish as I know it is, I do,
Not one shackle nor one chain can hold me.
For you my bastard love I will construe "For you, my bastard, love I will construe" or "for you, my bastard love, I will construe."
A puppet grown of a different cree. A "Cree" is a member of the Algonquian people who live in central Canada. I have this strange feeling that that's not what you meant. Perhaps you accidentally left out the D in "deed?" This would make a bit more sense.

Excellent job, Myst! Hope to hear more from you!

-Kafka

Thanks so much Kafka, I have made some of the revisions you offered. However, 'cree' if spelt not in a subject form (without a capital) can also refer to the persons blood and/or heritage. It was most commonly used in old English days when your 'cree' was your family coat of arms, and that is how I intended its use. I cannot make some of your revisions, because it will make the lines no longer have the same syllable's as they do. But the others were quite helpful, thank you very much. All lines have the same syllable's, I don't quite understand what you mean when you say the line with feeble and fleeting have a lot of syllable's, they're all the same. Thank you so very much though, I have used some of your revisions and have edited my piece.

Awesome, really awesome. Doesn't need really any work, you should publish. I really am amazed how good some of these people are on here, and you're definetly one of them.

Well, wow. This is one of the few poems I have read that has just gotten better and better as I continued reading.

Now let me just state a few things:

One-
Instead of saying

Yet still as stone I secretly shiver.

Why dont you try:
"Yet, as I remain still as stone, I secretly shiver"
To me, it just flows better, but as i said, thats only my opinion.

Two-
The entire second stanza…I…I was at a loss for words.
(As I am now)
It was just so so so good.
The last line especially!

Keep writing!
SnowBerry