Roused Rebels - A Prose

This is a short prose I just wrote, I didn't quite know where to put it but since Prose = poetry, and it is dramatic and told from one persons point of view (mine) I guess it fits here. Please let me know what you think, I haven't done abstract prose like this in awhile! Constructive criticism would be highly appreciated! =)


It seems so ludacris, that they cannot tell as it slithers up their very backs; hissing its tongue in the way of their arrogant ears. Its long scale could be sharp, burrowing deeply into the skin stretched tight on their backs, or it could slime its way to freedom and manipulation. Yet, they still see not of it nor hear its warning calls. Days go on without end or recognition, nights preen the moonlight upon its belly. For be it any colour it wishes no matter how vibrant the creature can make itself become, their eyes still seem not to waver from where they are so intently looking. Their ears seem to be tuned to one specific ring, one unimportant distraction which atrociously devours their sense of surroundings. Fools they may be for not being keen enough to notice it, coming nearer, and only when they do they no longer seem to care for such things. Their attentions are wanted elsewhere, though needed where they stray not. Pitless time is what essentially causes such vast demise, trapped in the programs and visuals of their day which tend to give off an austere air of 'Look at me!'. So they look, and boy do they look on but never through. Their iris' lack the ability to see more than the refractions that is being presented to them, their mind signed a petition of refusal to all other senses to not work in conjunction, each to be satisified on their own. Frustration sinks into those who take notice, notes plaster their skulls in sad, wayward attempts at scrounging together the last of what they felt was acceptable (and is) society. Some will say it ne'er to late, though the creature has nestled safely in most ears, and some will fight vicariously until the last breath is robbed from their vessels. Pleads arise to open the eyes of those that are lazily staring ahead, beggars beg ferociously wanting to experience the world as they believe it should be. But the heads cannot turn, they cannot awknowledge because they feel as if they do not wish to. The creature has become their greatest friend, and to differentiate that from fiend takes a great mind that would have not become imprisoned in the first place. Helplessness has settled into those last fighting few, struggling screams soundlessly stumbling from the depths of their lungs, capsulated by denial and shackled by today's suppression which is too largely encompassing. Stand by is all that is left for those solemn few to do, their words bit down upon until the iron blood drips startingly into their mouths. But their eyes are weary of the ground, their ears shun the protests, their fingers know not how to scratch their way through pestilience, and so they turn skyward - a most detestable fate. For there upon the rolling clouds dawns a sickening sunrise that bleaches them outright, purging what was not blackened before. The plague settles into its new home, and the slithering goes unheard.

Hey, I'm Jet; I'm going to review this, but first I'm going to space it out a little. As much as I promote not judging a book by its cover, most people balk at a block of text like this. You have to paragraph, even when it's not a short story or chapter, because otherwise the prose is difficult to read.

My nitpicks and corrections are in bold, anyway.

It seems so ludacris ludicrous, that they cannot tell as it slithers up their very backs; (This should be a comma, not a semi-colon. A semi-colon separates two complete clauses.) hissing its tongue in the way of their arrogant ears. Its long scale (Plural?) could be sharp, burrowing deeply into the skin stretched tight on their backs, or it could slime (I think you mean "slither". "Slime" isn't really a verb). its way to freedom and manipulation (Freedom and manipulation? I'm not sure that makes sense.). Yet, they still see not of it nor hear its warning calls. Read that sentence again and see if it makes sense. I don't think it does.

I've done the first paragraph here, because it introduces a lot of the points I want to cover.

My interpretation of anything metaphorical is usually limited to say the least, but I have to say I really didn't understand much of this. I think if I read it again with the spaces, it might help, but the closest I could get to an interpretation was the restriction of society and the tendency of humans to conform. I'm not entirely sure what the creature represents, other than a glaringly obvious decay that we somehow avoid acknowledging. I can't say a lot more than that. Though I love the descriptions of the creature, I think there are other reasons, excusing my lack of critical prowess, that're stopping me from understanding your point.

Take the paragraph I've quoted above. There are a few sentences I've marked there which don't quite make sense. I understand what you mean by "freedom and manipulation", there, but grammatically it doesn't add up. It's sometimes because you have a few typos, which you can solve by catching them before you post, but other times, it seems that you've gone for the most complicated and wordy sentence construction. I'll take your first sentence.

It seems so ludicrous, that they cannot tell as it slithers up their very backs, hissing its tongue in the way of their arrogant ears.

It seems so ludicrous that they cannot tell as it slithers up their very backs, hissing outside their arrogant ears.

You'll notice in the bolded sentence that I've taken out "its tongue" and "in the way of", because they're largely unnecessary. When something hisses, we assume the sound is created by its mouth or tongue, and hissing does not generally apply to an object. Also, "in the way of" is four words where one would suffice. Sometimes, it takes a lot of words to get a point across, but here, the clunkiness of the sentence chokes the writing.

There's also the vocabulary. When you have strong images, you don't need to employ so many adverbs to qualify your sentences. Well, I'll clarify that: it's about choosing when those adverbs are appropriate. Here are a couple of tip's from Sureal's article on improving your prose.

Spoiler

5) Delete as many words as possible. Go through each scene and delete every paragraph you can.

Go through every paragraph and delete every sentence you can.

Go through each sentence and delete every word you can.

Every single word needs a purpose.


6) Delete adverbs. Adverbs are words that modify a verb - or a ‘doing word’ - and usually end with ‘ly’. Adverbs are bad, because they weaken your prose, and make it read wishy-washy, and mark you as an amateur.

Some examples of adverbs: I ran quickly. He said seriously. She slowly fell.

In reality, not all adverbs need to be deleted. You can use a few. However, you need to be very, very selective in the ones you use. And when I say you can only use a few, I mean it. I wouldn’t use more than 2 or 3 adverbs in a 3,000 word story.

If you’re a beginner to this rule, though, I would recommend just deleting every single adverb for now.

Other than that, you also tend to have sentences which are rambling and include a few repetitions. I'd read your work aloud to try and catch those errors. You can really feel the flow of a work when you read it aloud; it's far more tangible than it is when you try and pick it up with a quick proof-read.

I might have a quick run-through again when you space this out to see whether I can get anything more from it. I love work like this in Other, just pure descriptive pieces that ask questions, and what you have here is a solid idea that can be built upon. Hope my review helps.

- Jet.

I could not read this. For starters, it is a huge block of text in all its un-paragraphed glory. If that had been the only issue, however, I would have been able to finish read it. Unfortunately, there is a second major issue, and that has to do with your spelling and grammar. Jetpack was kindly patient enough to go through and point out some of them.

Quite honestly, when you post up work like this that is not formatted to accommodate your reader (and especially if it makes it difficult for a reviewer to read), most people will not bother to read it. Coupled with the obvious misspellings and awkward, rambling wordings, and you add to the do-not-want-to-read-this sentiment among potential readers as they wonder why they should bother if you couldn't be bothered to properly format and proofread your work before sharing it with people.

In the future, I suggest you format your work so that it is easier to read, and that you proofread your work carefully before posting in public.