Coal Miner's daughter

I haven't written poetry in a while, so I may be a little rusty.


I am a coal miner's daughter.
I grew up in the backwoods of West Virginia.
My Father went to college,
Came back to work in a coal mine.
And I am proud of him.
So proud of him.


I grew up around big trucks,
Big lumps of coal,
Large piles of rock.
Yet,
I am the proudest daughter of them all.

Your parents work,
As accountants,
Bankers,
Lawyers,
Environmentalists.

But my Father is a coal miner.
And I am the proudest coal miner's daughter.

I am a coal miner's daughter.
I grew up in the backwoods of West Virginia.
My Father went to college,
Came back to work in a mine.
And I am proud of him.
So proud of him.
For I am a coal miner's daughter.

Hey there, drama! (I think we met once or twice, maybe in chat, but I can’t be sure so if I haven’t introduced myself already, I’m Lily. Or Captain Lileh!)

So, half of me really likes this poem and half of me doesn’t but I should most definitely explain why.

I think the main issue I have when it comes to disliking this is that it feels very stiff. And this is supposed to be a poem about how proud your narrator is of their father. It should feel loose and exuberant. It really has to do with how you pick each word and how you arrange things though.
You don’t honestly have to change much though. Can you see a little bit of a difference if you tweak, say, the first stanza like this:

I am a coal miner's daughter,
growing up in the backwoods West Virginia.
My father went to college
just to work in the coal mines.
Still, I am proud of him.
So very proud of him.

(or something like this. I’m not really much of a poet but it’s the idea I’m really trying to get out.)

Really, what I’m trying to get at is that right now, as it is, you’re just sort of listing the facts. I am this. My father did this. I am this.
You want give off the information as descriptive more than factual; it helps to get rid of that stiffish feeling.

Another thing, a real little thing honestly, is that some repetition isn’t bad but repeating that whole first stanza again at the end is rather unnecessary.

However, I do like the theme of this. It’s nice to see a very honest poem that displays the way your narrator feels about their old man. And that theme if you ask me, is more amazing than anything else!

If you have any questions or need anything, PM me.

~lilymoore

Hi!
I thought that this was an amazing poem. It sounds like it could be a country song! I think that you could describe yourself in more detail, it is very straight forward. Overall, great poem!

I am two different coal miners....great-grand daugher? You know I have family in WV. Anyway, I really like this poem. I'm not very good at reviewing poetry, I just wanted to say that this reminded me of a bumper sticker my grandparents have that say West virgina: friends of coal. so, yea. Write on!

Thanks for your reviews!

It's not my usual kind of poem, but I do like it. It reminds me of Loretta Lynn. Was she your inspiration? If not, listen to her song, it's a good song. Even if it is country.

Hi sis! Hope you'll forgive me, but I'm not one for quoting a whole piece and going through line by line analysis.

This poem portrays a very simple lifestyle, or at least, a simplistic outlook upon life in general. Part of me was thinking of good ol' country boys (or in this case, gals), just living by the day and taking the task at hand as it comes. So on those grounds it's a successful poem.

My main concern is the structure. Firstly, you repeat a lot of lines - a whole stanza, in fact - and it doesn't seem required. Although I can understand why you have repeated the lines (for emphasis of the thoughts, no doubt), it really hinders the interest to the reader if they are reading the same lines over again. Personally, slight variations, even subtly, can make all the difference - even reordering of words in a line.

Secondly, the number of periods in here outstrips my old school timetable... It doesn't quite flow right - yes, I know that I shouldn't be talking given my crimes - but each line feels like a seperate idea, a notion, whatever. Again, I understand that you want the rhythm to be representative of a simplistic idea, but there isn't really a distinct rhythm at all. Perhaps you could revise your punctuation placement, and maybe link the lines a bit better, but that's entirely up to you.


Hope that all makes sense to you, and I'm sorry if it's not greatly in-depth - it's a simple, honest poem, deserving of a simple and honest review. If you ever do a revision of this, I will more than gladly re-read it.

Much love, sis. <3
Yo' bro.