A Prayer of Understanding

A Prayer of Understanding

Angry shouts and scorching flame,
Pounding feet and steely fangs;
My bloody paws strike the sand.
Lengthened shadows all around
Cast by the flickering moon.

I stumble through trees wounded,
By those stampeding buffoons,
Who think they're oh so clever,
To have the self-proclaimed right
To extinguish this here life.

For they fear my sheer prowess;
I need no external fangs
Nor trapped lickings of the sun,
To give chase to my quarry
In the thickets of pure night.

My smoldering eyes strike fear
In their feebly beating hearts.
My lonely cries to the sky
Cause them to bolt shut their lairs;
Kindle terror in their minds

My visage brings thoughts of death;
Diseases and things that dwell
In the unforgiving dark,
But they percieve no further
Of all that lies underneath:

Chest rises and falls with life,
Without liquid I perish;
Blood drips when tooth parts my skin.
From whence came this dividing
Rift between kinds similar?

A sudden burning in thigh;
World leaps over and back down.
Yelp of pain escapes my throat
As icy ground greets me fair;
A heavy impact on chest.

For what they don't understand,
They stomp on till twitching stops;
Turn their backs and walk away.
A shatter of fragile bones
As booted foot presses down.

Circle of peering faces,
Shades upon their wicked eyes,
Intent to kill for pleasure
Evident in gleaming teeth;
A crimson point slowly drawn.

A fervent prayer for these
Lost lambs waiting for slaughter;
Pray for illumination
Of their miserable paths,
So they may find restful peace.

Mother Nature isn't cruel;
She takes us when she deems right.
My short life is at it's end,
No regrets are left behind,
Unlike the monsters infront

Retribution awaits them,
In the deep forests beyond;
With final breath of relief,
I steal undue innocence
With the bite of human claw.



The lines should each have 7 syllables; if you notice any irregularities, please point them out. Hope you enjoyed a gloomier poem than mine usually are. Comments/reviews will be highly appreciated. ^^ Thanks for reading!

WOW, this was really good and creepy. I've said a thousand times that poetry isn't really my thing, but this was pretty provoking. I like the savagery of it, I think.

The only two things I noticed were

A fervent prayer for these

and
Of their miserable paths

While these are "technically" seven-syllable sentences, most people don't pronounce them as such, at least not where I come from (which could mean I come from a hick town :p). "Prayer" is often used as if it were only one syllable, and "miserable" is usually pronounced "mis'rubble". So from a speech standpoint, these aren't in tune with the rest of the poem. Nit-picking, I know, but hey, I have to throw in some "critique"

Really nice poem, all in all Though I really prefer your fiction PM me when the next "Beggars and Thieves" is up, will ya?

Hey there WaitingForLife, how are you? First let me start by saying you are an intriguing writer who really captivated me with this piece in the sense that I found you were telling me a story and I was interested enough to wait to see where you took me. I like the more morbid feel this piece has to it, which is most certainly does. There are certain words I think you used fairly well to really solidify the mood and tone of this, whether intentional or not. Thanks for sharing it. However, the thing that really got me was the complete lack of punctuation and the unsymmetrical layout of it. It is not always just about how many syllable's are in a line that make it fit together right, you shouldn't look at structure so clearly as that. If you look at classic poets, most do not have perfectly matched syllable's though they are close with each line (not including sonnet's and haiku's that is). I may sound confusion, but here's an example;

Angry shouts and scorching flame
Pounding feet and steely fangs
My bloody paws strike the sand
Lengthened shadows all around
Cast by the flickering moon

Now here, there should not only be commas inserted in the appropriate places to make it flow better (unless your piece wishes to intentionally ignore all punctuation guidelines of English), but also the last line really throws the symmetry of it off. Read it aloud if you have not already done so...doesn't it sound detatched and like it doesn't fit? It's because when you're doing everything with exact syllable's, it's also about the length of the words you're using and the way they structure the line. This happens continuously through-out the piece, most of the last lines don't fit correctly and make it sound poorly edited. Otherwise, it was good, don't get me wrong.
Sorry for babbling like a crazy person, lol.
Keep writing and PM me if you want me to explain it more fluently than I did here, lol,
Mysty.

Thanks for the comments on this!

Sure thing Paul, I'll PM you when the next chapter is up. Oh and btw, it's "Nobles and Beggars", but let's not get stuck on the technicalities. Thanks for pointing those two out, I'll see what I can do...

Hey, Mysty, I'm fine thankyou, just a little tired and all. ^^ And how are you? Thanks for another comment! As for your concerns, I'll insert the punctuation, because, quite frankly, I totally forgot to put them in them in the first place.
Then, thankyou for the advice on the structure, though I'm not in a mood to change this - at the moment at least. Don't get me wrong now, I'm not trying to be ungrateful. It's just that I don't feel like going and re-writing this right now. I'll be sure to remember your advice the next time I write poetry.

Thanks a million,
|Life|

Angry shouts and scorching flame I really like this stanza. I think it has to be my favorite out of the whole poem!
Pounding feet and steely fangs
My bloody paws strike the sand
Lengthened shadows all around
Cast by the flickering moon

I stumble through trees wounded
By those stampeding buffoons
Who think they're oh so clever
To have the self-proclaimed right
To extinguish this here life

I don't like "oh so clever" in here. It draws away from the power and intensity felt throughout.

For they fear my sheer prowess
I need no external fangs
Nor trapped lickings of the sun
To give chase to my quarry
In the thickets of pure night

My smoldering eyes strike fear
In their feebly beating hearts
My lonely cries to the sky
Cause them to bolt shut their lairs
Kindle terror in their minds

I liked this one a lot as well! ^

My visage brings thoughts of death
Disease and things that go bump Def. replace "things that go bump". Ug. That ruined this stanza!
In the unforgiving dark
But they percieve no further
Of all that lies underneath

Mate more loyal shan't one find
I tend and defend the cubs
Spit death in the eye just to This stanza break kinda broke up the flow...
Bring home fresh meat for feasting
I only kill to survive

Chest rises and falls with life
Without liquid I perish
Blood drips when tooth parts my flesh
From whence came this dividing
Rift between kinds similar

I didn't really get the last three lines? Probably just me though.

A sudden burning in thigh A sudden burning in my thigh or thethigh" it should be.
World leaps over and back down
Yelp of pain escapes my throat
As icy ground greets me fair
A heavy impact on chest A heavy impact on "my" or "the" again.

For what they don't understand
They stomp on till twitching stops
Turn their backs and walk away
A shatter of fragile bones
As booted foot presses down

I didn't like this one. I think I understand it, just don't really like it much.

Circle of peering faces
Shades upon their wicked eyes
Intent to kill for pleasure
Evident in gleaming teeth
A crimson point slowly drawn

A fervent prayer for these Bad line break
Lost lambs waiting for slaughter
Pray for illumination
Of their miserable paths
So they may find peaceful rest

Mother Nature isn't cruel
She takes us when she deems right
My short life is at it's end
No regrets are left behind
Unlike the monsters infront

Ooh another favorite! hehe

Retribution awaits them
In the deep forests beyond
With final breath of relief
I steal undue innocence
With the bite of human claw

Overall:
This was awesome. Really great, and I liked it very much. Great read! Just thought I'd throw in my opinion on a few things.

Heya, thanks for the crit! ^^

I might just delete the sixth stanza altogether, as I wasn't that sure about it in the first place either... The stanza where you said you didn't really get the last lines, it basically meant that "Look, I bleed when cut, just like you. What makes you better than me?".
And umm... what exactly did you mean by a "bad line break"? I'm totally lost on the technical words.

But yeah, your opinions have been read and taken into account.

Hmm. About that line break. Well, just reading it, suddenly it was like "pause", then "continue". Maybe it was just my silly old brain, but it didn't flow nicely.

A fervent prayer for these
Lost lambs waiting for slaughter
Pray for illumination
Of their miserable paths
So they may find peaceful rest

Maybe make it:
"A fervent prayer for such lost lambs as these
Waiting for slaughter"

Dunno, seems to read easier that way. Either way, the reason I'm commenting on this again, is I HAD to come back and read it again, I liked it so much!!! lol

Oh... Now I see what you mean. It does sorta break up the flow; I'll fix it straightaway.

Glad it came out good. ^^ Thanks for that.