The Rainbow girl

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There she was.
Looking as perfect as always.
Waiting right at the turning of the lane.
Hoping to hold his glimpse as soon as he arrived.

The way she’s been waiting for God knows how long-
You know exactly how…yeah with that floral skirt,
That white top and rumpled hair.
Yes, she was waiting for ‘the knight in shining armour’.
Who would arrive on the white unicorn of
Wearied off folklores to take her to her destination.
After all, she had to go-
She had to pay in time the debt.
She had borrowed colours from the rainbow,
And at a high interest.

She had to go you know.
And the road was long.
The journey was expensive.
So she was working at night to gather her means.
But she still hoped,
There he might just arrive any time to give her some relief.
His unicorn would take her, free of cost to the sky,
There she could pay back that entire price.

But another day drained into another night.
Her bust full of poisoned chalice had new wasps gathered.
Some humming, some fanning…but all she had in her hand,
Was a choice as to whom she’ll allow the privilege to sting?
And no one could escape the softness in her eyes,
Everyone wanted to taste that potion, at premium rate- at least for a night.

And she still had virgin dreams in her fertile eyes,
He will come- she asserted.
There aren’t any knights for girls like you- we would say.
Having had sold ourselves by night and day.
Yet she insisted.

She went back to bed,
With company.
She gathered her money.

Next morning, glancing at her bank,
Perhaps she thought it would be just enough.
It was enough.
She had to leap now.
From the thin grills of the sixth floor’s terrace.
She could not wait.
The interest was mounting, she said.
True.
But even while departing she firmly said,
Her knight would come,
But this time it would be a bit too late!

There the rainbow comes again.
Looking as perfect as always.
With stronger hues,
Having got back the lent hues,
But look how the colour trails….
I wonder now,
If the rainbow owes the wait to my friend!




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She had to go you know.


--she had a to go, you know

With stronger hues,
Having got back the lent hues,


replace a "hues" with "colors" or something

otherwise..wow. that was amazing. i really enjoyed this and i have nothing else to say. sorry for the horrible critique, but i was pretty much blown away. i loved the beginning and middle the most of all..the end was okay but i just loved the language you used...it was outstanding.
Carpe Diem.




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Points 890
Reviews 41
thanx for that response.
yeah...i think u r right i shud replace the 'hues' it doesn't quite go wid the thing, so will edit the poem.
but thanks for that encouraging reply!




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I'm not too sure how I feel about the end, but I reeeeally like the beginning.

A lot of times it gets on my nerves when people can't pick either flowery or 'hey, you' language, but you mixed them very well. I liked the first and second stanzas best, I think. A couple of images really caught my attention. Like, "you know exactly how" and "Yes, she was waiting for ‘the knight in shining armour’/Wearied off folklores" and "She had borrowed colours from the rainbow/And at a high interest."

I really don't have much constructive criticism.... Perhaps try to give the ending a really resounding effect, because I think that's what put me off; you started so strongly, and then it kind of died. But overall, very nice work.
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