Hands Touch

Please, critique the poem to your hearts desire!


It started with a simple touch of hands,
Perhaps a twitch of a nose, not even.
Beat of a heart rushes; knees do weaken.
Whisper of a breath does meet the demands

Felt this way counted on a sole left hand,
Let this be the last time, never again
Shall myself suffer through this lonely den.
Fingers glued and should they never disband

Excitement of love whispers through the air,
Emotions mix and create a purpose,
World of people, two do simply last

Both smile with raw feelings that are rare,
Time did stop and all hath begun to froze,
In this position the two will outlast

Wow! You really do bring a new meaning to poetry. This is amazing: very atmospheric, very emotional.

One critique I have is that it really just runs on and on, like one continuous thought. For this reason it is somewhat difficult to follow. I would suggest inserting a period here and there, or at least some signal to the reader that you are finished with the current thought. You really are a master of putting your feelings down onto paper, but I would suggest simply going through it and organizing a little more. Here is another small quibble of mine:

Shall myself suffer through this lonely den,

"Myself" should be "I."

Well, very nice job. I look forward to reading more from you!

-Kafka

Thank you Kafka! When I wrote this, I knew it needed to be "I", but the only problem is that throughout the poem it's written with ten syllables on every line, and even though it works still with the "I", I feel like I can't change it because it would mess up the syllables. Unless you think it really really needs to be changed, in which case I will change it?

I'm glad you really like this Take a look at my other poetry I have posted if you want to.

You're work gave me warm fuzzy's!

Aw thanks Snickers! I'm really glad you liked it so much!!