DELETED.

meow.

Alright, starting out with this poem it is absolutely great, but I do think it could be even better. I love the first few stanzas, and I love how you broke it up the way you did. Many poets try to clump it all together and it becomes too much, but the way you broke it up actually made it worth reading. But, back to the real point here, here are my critiques:

Something alien
in your eyes.
Sweet alien of mine;
remember
Those sweet,
tainted lies?Best stanza in the poem, unbelievable start, don't change it a bit it's perfect

Your twisted spells,
in that boy I thought I knew...Needed?
They seemed too beautiful,
And so did you.

But now I know about
the nightmares you hid;
A dark, parallel World...
taken for granted.Not a perfect rhyme, but doable

In your eyes, I still see me;
That innocent child
which you refuse to be.
That innocence you took from me.In the stanzas before, your rhyme scheme was abcb, where as now it's abaa....It's not a MUST fix, but I'd keep in it mind that you kinda messed up the rhyme scheme here.

You took my body,
And left my soul.
Alright, you kinda confuse me here, and this part doesn't flow that well. If it continued to flow properly, yhou'd really need something here that rhymed with soul, but instead it's kinda just thrown there. My suggestion would be to add another to lines to the stanza above, maybe something like "I was here, but I was not whole." I would strongly suggest changing this section, but because it doesn't fit together properly.

It drifts away
from my sanity,
So nobody will rememberJust a beat too long, doesn't need fixing but if you wanted you could take out will and make remember remembers instead.
Just who I used to be.

And this; this is me.
This is me.
And I'm sorry.
Sorry that I lost her,
That girl I used to be.
Perfect, love it

I'm sorry that I let you
Take over my soul;
take over me.Something should rhyme here....it's kinda off.

But this is what humanity is.

Servo nos pro umquam...

'Til death do us part.
Servo nos pro umquam.
Servo nos pro umquam.Needed?

All of us.
For ever and ever and
ever.

Just one more thing before I go, it is a great poem, don't give up on it but it does need some work. I understand you might not agree with everything I've said, feel free to ignore any or all of my review, though there were some points I strongly recommend you change. In the end, your poem kind of stops flowing at all, and the rhyme scheme cuts off completely. Consider revising the last four or five stanzas or so.....

Great poem, goodluck

Gratuitous Latin = instant "bleh" reaction from me. Especially since you used the exact same phrase three times in close succession. Whenever you use Latin or Greek, or any foreign language for that matter, to any great extent, you risk either alienating part of your audience and/or irritating them by your pretentiousness. Especially if you use uncommon phrases.

That said, you started off rhyming, but then the rhyme disappeared somewhere in the middle of the poem. It gives this piece a sense of laziness, as if you gave up halfway with the rhyme and couldn't be bothered to keep it up. Further contributing to this lack of completeness is the lack of any concrete imagery. Everything is generalities. Nothing is really phrased interestingly, except for the very beginning with the alien bit, but you don't follow through on that.

If you haven't already figured out, I didn't much like the poem.

So, what are my suggestions?

Work with the alien angle. That is actually quite interesting, and if you develop it, you could wind up with a rather unusual and therefore memorable poem. Developing the alien angle would also lead to opportunities to incorporate fresh, atypical imageries and give you a pretty strong thematic reason to shift between rhyming and not rhyming.

Nix the Latin. It does this poem no good.

As it stands, this poem struck me as quite bland. Not horrible; not bad; just... bland.

Hey Emmzziee,

Well, well done on this poem! It has great potential and with a little bit more work, it'll become even better! So, I liked the rhyming effect you began off with, it was mature and not all sing-songish, so it fitted perfectly. But then it began to fade away and the rhyming effect just wasn't the same. So re-introduce rhyming to the second-half of the poem.

The Latin? I really didn't mind it, it seems enchanting. But that's it, it's enchanting and not spooky enough. But otherwise, I loved how you began it by talking about this boy like an alien and some weird magic that he possessed. Maybe dwell on that more? Otherwise, it was really good.

Best wishes for future writing!

RedLeaf

Hi!
I absolutly loved your poem. I really liked the mysterious feel you gave off and the rhyming sceme too.
This part, I really liked:

And this; this is me.
This is me.
And I'm sorry.
Sorry that I lost her,
That girl I used to be.
I'm sorry that I let you
Take over my soul;
take over me.

You are a brilliant writessa and I liked the little touch of Latin in it too!
You have a wonderful way of writing and I hope to read more like this from you!
Thank you for posting it!